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Can a sex life/relationship be ignored/damaged beyond repair?

My dh and I have had a long issue where he wants more and enthusiastic sex. For most of our 9 years together, on and off this has been a problem. But we both work and he NEVER, i mean zero, helps with the 2 kids, and he never takes me out on dates or does anything with me. So I have not been to inspired to stick to a sex life with him. I am overworked, tired, fried, lonely, and ignored. When he gets really upset about it, I try to get interested, but he never does anything else or changes so it fades back away again. Basically he's just ignored me on a personal level and household and family level for 9 years. Now he says he's getting tired of asking for a normal sex life and that it's all damaged beyond repair. Do you think that his feelings can be repaired, or not? He has started doing more chores and watching the kids this week, but we are both very angry. I think I can get over it, but can he?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:37 PM on Sep. 4, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • DH and I were going through something similar and neither one of us was happy with how our marriage was going. We felt stale and were ignoring each other's needs. We read the Five Love Languages and it really helped us understand where we were miscommunicating. Essentially, we all have ways that we express our love for others. Like I like to do nice things for my DH (chores that he normally takes care of so that he can relax), and he likes physical touch (face it, after taking care of kids all day and night you just don't want to even be looked at). Problem is, by neglecting each other's needs we damage our relationship. Nothing that can't be repaired and actually make things better. You just have to have open and honest communication with each other. (BTW, we have been married 9 years also and have been together for 13 years).


    Good luck!

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:42 PM on Sep. 4, 2009

  • exactly! That is the book my therapist had me read, and after MUCH resistance (and me leaving with the kids for my parents' house for a few days) he finally read it. But he does not seem to be getting that my love language is Quality Time, and that his responsibility is to care for kids. He seems to think I should be a completely delighted sex partner because he is watching his kids, even though he is ignoring my need to spend time with him to feel loved. Anyway, thanks for your reply and I'm glad to know you think this can be fixed :)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:52 PM on Sep. 4, 2009

  • I know that if I don't give SO "enthusiastic" sex and as often as he wants then he'll go find it elsewhere so that's incentive enough for me. Maybe if you make it fun, playful, dress up or switch roles. Will he allow you to be in charge and throw him on the bed and mount and ride him? Mine won't let me be in the dominant role but we still play and make it fun. If it gets boring I can't do it.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:57 PM on Sep. 4, 2009

  • Oh, we are still working on it for sure. I am a quality time person as well, which is why I do things to make it possible for him to spend time with the kids and I (alone and together). He is way more romantic than I am so he shows love by romantic gestures and likes to receive the same as he gives. I have just never really been a romantic person (funny, you would think that it would be opposite). After a long day with kids I would sort of go into my own world, like sensory deprivation (nobody touching me, nobody yelling or talking at me). When our problems came to a head I had to really look at what I was doing. I didn't really think of a marriage as something that you have to nurture, but it is. Things are getting better, but changing some of your habits is really hard to do.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:59 PM on Sep. 4, 2009

  • And another thing, my therapist (probably much like yours) said that this is not unusual when you have young kids in the house. The baby to preschool ages are the hardest on the parents because the kids are so dependent on the parents for even simple things. You can't really ingore a young child's needs to be able to spend some quality time with your SO.
    Do you have any other friends that would trade off babysitting so that you could get a nice dinner or picnic w/ your hubby and maybe a little adult time as well?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:02 PM on Sep. 4, 2009

  • yes i think that he can and will. sit down and explain i need you to help me out with household chores and i need you to be more involved with the kids... once i see you try i will start to improve our sex life... if he starts get some sexy clothes and get freaky... come up with new stuff on how to inhance the sex. once you give more and do more hell start giving and doing more.. ive learned alot of men need to be asked can you do this and the will you cant just keep it in and exspect it to get done LOL sit down and set goals... me and my husband have had this problem for 4 yrs and the past 6 months have been wonderful for him and me. he takes the kids so i can relax and read he helps so much more with the house... i still have to ask most of the time.. but hegood luck... if he doesnt want to help and do his part i wouldnt do mine either... just remember perfection isnt what we should exspect its slow improvment with this..
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:26 PM on Sep. 4, 2009

  • To answer your question, no I don't think a relationship or sex life can be damaged beyond repair in this type of scenario. In my opinion, both you and your husband are treating sex as a form of currency. You equate his offered level of help to your sexual response factor and he equates your sexual reponse factor to his happiness level. Considering his level of offered help, it's not really a wonder you feel the way you do, but consider this: Sex as expressed joy. Honestly, sex should fall outside any other aspects of a relationship. The fact that he seems to want you to enjoy it is a great and wonderful thing. As he is trying to do more to help you, how difficult would it be for you to respond in his form of currency? If your sex drive is depressed due to stress or nutritional factors, that is something to be worked on certainly, but the concept of "fake it until you feel it" would not be completely out of the question
    Fistandantalus

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 1:30 PM on Sep. 4, 2009

  • me and my husband went through this we set out dates. for ex. monday is movie night. wed are family game night... fri is bake or craft night... sat are our date nights... and everyday he has daddy and the girls time.. 2 a month they have an outing something very special if they are good. he has bath nights 2 a week and we read and pray every night as a family. we made a scheduale just so we stick to it and form a habit. i still have to ask him to help with chores alot but he helps without an attitude. in return he understand this refreshes me and gives me more energy and we put the kids to bed at 8:30 and have talking time for 30 mins. i also read the 5 love laungages it helped our family out alot. i think if you guys can come to and agreement it can deffinatly change... and i have to add i had to step it up in sex big time... i had to make it sexy and playful and last longer LOL we are not perfect but doing sooo much better
    whitenena

    Answer by whitenena at 1:38 PM on Sep. 4, 2009

  • i have to add he was very passive and since weve done this he comes up with things to do with the girls and as a family and he has told me what was i doing i cant belive ive missed so much time with you and the girls... now he sees we needed are love tanks filled even he did... good luck!!
    whitenena

    Answer by whitenena at 1:41 PM on Sep. 4, 2009

  • I understand that you are tired, but maybe if you just persued him like maybe roll play something out, or just start foreplay with him and have a good spark night. I seem to be tired a lot, but I think I am more upset that my DH doesn't give it to me enough. But the other night he came home and swept me off my feet and I loved it more than the plain sex.
    suzyb1980

    Answer by suzyb1980 at 1:53 PM on Sep. 4, 2009

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