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this is for the ap from a birthmother.

why is that most of the time when a birthmother places. the ap send updates at frist then they stop after some time goes by. do ap not understand that birthmothers have feeling aswell? that we trust them with the child. and why do ap get so mad when birthmohers say my child. because the child came from there heart but we birthmothers gave life to the child. when do ap stop being so scared of birthmothers if it was not for us the family they have would not be. do ap ever stop and ask there selfs could they ever do what a birthmother does. and how the would they feel. most of the time a birthmother will place out of love for the child. but just because we place a child does not mean we do not love that child. in fact veryday of a birthmothers life we think,miss,love the child we let go of. so why is it that most ap feel this way about the birthmother after they place????????????

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:21 AM on Sep. 5, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (28)
  • :( I'm sorry about that. I never adopted and never put a child up for adoption, but maybe there is a little bit of fear about it, or maybe there could be a little bit of jealousy, I don't know because I don't know the birthmom and family. Also, take into consideration that once they adopted they become their adopted mother, not just parent. There is a strong, very strong attachment to their child which you gave to them. I know this because I have family member who are adopted. They are just as much apart of our family as any other child who is there by blood. You are still the birthmom and obviously love that child dearly, but she is the child's mother now that the child is adopted into the family, equal to any sibling they may have that she gave birth to.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:41 AM on Sep. 5, 2009

  • I never put a child up for adoption but, I was a serrogant. For 7 years my cousin has been trying to get pregnant. Tried every fertility drug and treatment out there. Out of my love for my cousin I offered to be a serrogant mother for her. 2 years ago I went along with this. It nearly killed me to let that child go. After all he spent 10 months and 4 days in me. Now, my cousin won't even speak to me. I jsut want to know how the baby is. I don't call him mine. I guess my thing is I tried to do soemthing nice and got crapped on. Breaks my heart. She didn't pay for a thing throughout the pregnancy. I paid it all. I understand about feelings. Mine are crushed especially the fact she's been my best friend since I was a baby.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:18 AM on Sep. 5, 2009

  • Re follow ups: Your last sentence uses the word "most" and I truly dont believe most do this. As a matter of fact, a recent survey is tracking this long term and after 2 years 98% of the open adoption were still open. They will continue to track it. I know about a 100 AP's but do not know one who closed involunitarily so I dont know the answer.
    Re. saying "our baby" I think context is the key. I think that on here if you already do not like what the rest of what the person is saying, the "our" gets thrown in. I think actually it is more the "my" that is more objected to.

    IF this is happening to you, have you contacted the agency or the couple? Let them know you are still there and are interested and if the original agreement was to send updates for an unlimited time, then you expect it. Some agencies have a clause in their agreement that you only send updates for 1-2 yrs, Make sure yours isnt one
    Good Luck


    Answer by Anonymous at 6:15 AM on Sep. 5, 2009

  • As a hopeful adopter I think it's terrible when adoptive parents fail to live up to their contact agreements. A lot of adoptive parents ARE insecure, especially at first. In my view birthparents are always the Father and Mother, and my husband and I will be Mom and Dad. I think both sides (ap & bp) should be more empathetic about the other side. I agree with Anon. 6:15. Most don't back out or betray their birthmom. Almost all our adoption classes were about open adoption and what birthmothers go through, there was COMPLETE respect and appreciation. There were some who had already adopted and were dealing with the disappoinment that their bp were drifting away, not contacting THEM as much. They figured it's because the birthparents were having difficulty healing and being around turned out to be too difficult. In fact, I think statistically it's the birthmom who most often backs out contact-wise. So sorry you were let down!!

    Answer by JaneAustenFan25 at 9:06 AM on Sep. 5, 2009

  • As an adoptive mom, we have been very faithful in sending letters to our birthmom. I know others who have been as well. Our agreement was every month for the first year and yearly thereafter. We'd be more than happy to send them more frequently. Sadly, we've learned that after the first few months, our birthmom chose not to have the letters sent to her any more. I understand why she did that (her other children never knew she was pregnant and once found one of the letters) but I'm sorry that she won's see how how well our son is doing. We were really hoping he'd get to know his birthmom.. Sorry to hear it hasn't worked out for you..

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:28 AM on Sep. 5, 2009

  • Maybe after 2 yrs the stats say "98%" still open. How about 10 yrs after? It took 10 yrs for mine to close.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:25 PM on Sep. 5, 2009

  • As an adoptive mom myself I have kept all of the promises I made with my son's birth mom, and I will contunue to do so. Adoption has made me a mommy, and has blessed me more then words could ever say! My son's birth mom will always hold a special place in my heart. We are thankful that our son's birth mom continues to be a part of our lives. I could never just disregard my son's birth mom's feelings.

    Answer by Kellyjude1 at 3:31 PM on Sep. 5, 2009

  • Anon, where did you get that percentage?

    Because I've looked actual sites, and not to scare the OP, but after 5 years 80% of adoptions are closed.

    My mother, who is a social worker, even see's this happening. She told me in most of the papers she has the adoptive parents sign it does state that they only have to keep it open for 5 years. It truly stumps me.. because none of this is ever mentioned to the bith parents.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:20 PM on Sep. 5, 2009

  • "Our baby" "your baby" Her baby"...if there is that much issue regarding "possession" between the parents, why not call the child by his or her name? They are people, you know.

    Answer by babycakes254 at 4:27 PM on Sep. 5, 2009

  • And, are you speaking from a personal situation or ,are you, like most people here do, making a generalization about "ap" (as you put it)?

    That's the equivalent of saying, "Why do birthparents (ep)choose to parent a child only if the father will be with her?" or "Why do birthparents have unprotected sex and then become shocked when they are pregnant and heartbroken over adoption when they should have protected themselves to prevent it?"

    This has happened. And, certainly, all the birthmothers will come and say "Not all of us!" And it isn't. Those are generalizations.

    So, if you are speaking of a specific situation, please specify. People too often use their situation to attack "the group" when there is no need for it.

    Answer by babycakes254 at 4:34 PM on Sep. 5, 2009

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