Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Is it wrong to feel nothing?

My birth son is a little over 2 years old, and for the first two years of his life I grieved heavily for the loss of my son.

I started intense therapy in January of '09 and now I'm only seeing my DR once a month. I was reminded of why I placed my son up for adoption a couple of months ago by watching a couple place their baby up for adoption. I was like, "oh my GOD, that was me!" Then everything started falling into place. It's like something clicked in my head, and I then finally felt OK about the adoption that I hated from day one.

Anyway, where I'm trying to get at is after coming to terms with everything... I don't feel anything anymore. I don't feel empty... I don't feel sad.... I don't feel like I've lost anything... and I do not regret my decision [like I use to].

When I do see my son I don't feel anything.. I feel love of course.. but nothing like I use to feel. It's like that connection is gone.

Answer Question
 
rainfalls

Asked by rainfalls at 4:34 PM on Sep. 5, 2009 in Adoption

Level 2 (6 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • What's going on with me?
    rainfalls

    Answer by rainfalls at 4:35 PM on Sep. 5, 2009

  • you got used to it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:36 PM on Sep. 5, 2009

  • sounds like you are finally in a healthy place
    don't start feeling bad about not feeling bad
    boredmom44

    Answer by boredmom44 at 4:37 PM on Sep. 5, 2009

  • Anon... You're probably right. Sometimes I crave for that emptiness again.. it was my only connection to him. I don't even think about him like I use to.. he's hardly ever on my mind. It makes me feel so guilty. It's almost like I've come to terms with him not being "mine" anymore... and I think I might be ok with it.

    Is this normal?
    rainfalls

    Answer by rainfalls at 4:38 PM on Sep. 5, 2009

  • Good for you. Be happy!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:38 PM on Sep. 5, 2009

  • You say, "I feel love of course." Do you? With the other feelings you are feeling it would be natural for you to not feel love. You don't even know him, how can you love him? Yet to admit that you don't love him might make you seem like some kind of monster.

    It's OK to not feel anything. It's OK to not feel love. It's not uncommon for mothers who are caring for their babies to not feel anything for their babies.

    Love is a difficult word to define. I think it is best defined as a verb, an action. To love is to treat someone in a loving way. Love is not something you have but something you give. Giving your baby up for adoption may or may not have been a loving act. That is for you to decide.

    You are coming to terms and that is good. Love yourself and take care of yourself.
    GailllAZ

    Answer by GailllAZ at 4:44 PM on Sep. 5, 2009

  • Its called moving on....... I have lost so many loved ones in my life (though not in the sense of this, but I think the loss can be related) and eventually you come to the point where you are moving on with your life and that is exactly what you are supposed to do. To wallow in the emptiness and sadness of something that will never change isnt healthy if you're doing it forever. You may never truly get over some things, but there is always the going on of life right now and moving forward in life. Does that make sense ? Its an acceptance of it because it isnt going to change, so you have to move on and that isnt bad.
    SuperMomof3kids

    Answer by SuperMomof3kids at 5:15 PM on Sep. 5, 2009

  • Wow.. no, no, no, no, no. I LOVE my son more than ANYTHING.. I'm talking in more lines of that connection you have with your children..
    rainfalls

    Answer by rainfalls at 5:22 PM on Sep. 5, 2009

  • I think it depends. Do you feel at peace or numb? There is such a big decision. When you face a trauma its very easy to stop making yourself feel the pain. But you could have healed. Who knows.
    funnygirlecu

    Answer by funnygirlecu at 5:23 PM on Sep. 5, 2009

  • "Do you? With the other feelings you are feeling it would be natural for you to not feel love. You don't even know him, how can you love him? Yet to admit that you don't love him might make you seem like some kind of monster."

    Most mothers love their children even if they do not know them. In her case, she does know him and sees him regularly.

    As to what is going on, I think you are healing, and I agree too that maybe sometimes you take a break and numb your feelings. Plus, you should know that the feelings most birth moms ebb and flow. It is good that you are feeling some peace now, but, understand that your feelings may keep evolving and changing. Even if you are beginning to heal, you will likely have periods of time that you feel as though you regress back. But, it is normal for your feelings to fluccuate.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 6:10 PM on Sep. 5, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN