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Is this horrible of me? I feel so bad!

On February 17, 2008 my mom passed away, it still to this day kills me that I can't just call her up and talk to her. I refused to go see her when she passed because it wasn't the way I wanted to remember her and thank God I didn't because my last memory is of us hugging and kissing and saying I love you. I feel horrible because since her funeral on Feb 25th, 2008 I haven't been back to the grave site to pay my respects. My husband says it's ok she knows you love her and think about her all the time, but I feel horrible. Is it disrespectful because I haven't been back to pay my respects to her? (Technically she was my grandma but she raised me since I was 2 months old and was the only mother I had ever known - I feel like I owe so much to her)

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JAJA_Steele

Asked by JAJA_Steele at 1:40 AM on Sep. 6, 2009 in Just for Fun

Level 13 (1,078 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • No, not necessarily...
    You pay her respects by keeping her in your thoughts and memories.
    I don't think going to a grave site justifies that same feeling in you further. If you're not ready, then you're not ready. *hugs* I'm sorry for your loss.
    K_Sawyer

    Answer by K_Sawyer at 1:42 AM on Sep. 6, 2009

  • No..it isn't the least bit disrespectful...she's with you, she sees your heart and you can talk to her anytime you want. She isn't at her grave anyway, she's wherever you are, she's with whoever she loves.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:43 AM on Sep. 6, 2009

  • No way are you horrible.
    I'm just like you and wouldn't want to remember any loved one in a casket.

    Your mom isn't in the graveyard, anyway. I won't tell you where she is because I don't know. But I do believe she isn't hanging around her tombstone thinking you're a bad daughter for not coming to look at it.

    It's how you treat people in life that matters. Your mom's last memory of you was one of love and warmth. She love you and you loved her. Your husband is right.

    Hold on to your memories, and a good way to pay your respects to her is to do something in her name. If she loved animals, donate every year to an animal shelter in her name, etc.

    If you ever see her again, she will know you did those nice things for others because of her.
    07upsydaisy

    Answer by 07upsydaisy at 1:47 AM on Sep. 6, 2009

  • i did the same with my grandma i didnt want a sad memory,i think i would wanna see my son till my last day. but if i didnt i wouldnt die sad or mad,thats what rocks about being a mommy your kids are just the onlyones you will never be resentful against,no need to visit her grave i find that very weird especially whenshe lives in your heart,even if you move to japan your mom is going with you so the grave doesnt really matter.
    BUSYLOVINGHIM

    Answer by BUSYLOVINGHIM at 1:53 AM on Sep. 6, 2009

  • my nanny was there for us helping out while my parents were going thru a divorce to make things easier while my parents work,i cried so much when i had to accept the fact that she was gonna die by the time she died i had hurt so bad that her death brought peace but i had a hard time,till this day i talk about her once a week and she died in 02 i refuse to forget even her voice.but when i said bye i still remeber reading it her lips saying goodbye beautiful :(
    BUSYLOVINGHIM

    Answer by BUSYLOVINGHIM at 1:58 AM on Sep. 6, 2009

  • My kids are adults, and when I die, I don't want them to worry about things like the funeral, or visiting a grave. Those things are not for the person who passed, but for the living people to give them closure to help them grieve, and if those things don't help you to move on, then you need to handle them in your own way. Your Mom (grandmother) knows that you love her, that's all that matters. What would make her happy is for you to be happy. I would never want my kids to feel guilt, over something like that, I would want them to be happy, enjoy their lives and their children, and just remember me with love.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 2:00 AM on Sep. 6, 2009

  • If you are okay with it hon then your mom is okay with it. After my dad died I went every Saturday for like over a year. That was MY preference and need at the time. I then cut it down to once a month and now it is down to , Memorial day, Fathers Day, His birthday, Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving. I do this for my son and I to decorate and acknowledge him. It also gives us a chance to clean his gravestone and trim the grass around it. It is quite peaceful there. Here at home is when I remember my dad best. You are not a horrible person at all because in the end it is what you feel in your heart for her.
    ItsMeGigi69

    Answer by ItsMeGigi69 at 2:20 AM on Sep. 6, 2009

  • I think it is normal.....my husband's first wife died 26 years ago, and his mom 16 years ago, quite often he drives by the area where they are buried yet he has yet to pull over and pay respects...Because it still hurts. My mom died 9 yrs ago and is not buried but in a box with her creamations inside.
    The pain never goes away, they are in our hearts. My mom has came to me in dreams to settle my spirit. I talked to my pastor about it and he confirmed it.
    Move on, go about your day and just know we are being watched by our deceased loved ones...They are the ones who send us angels in our time of need
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:34 AM on Sep. 6, 2009

  • Sweetie, it is okay not to visit her gravesite until you are ready. She is within your heart, mind, and soul, always there for you when you wish it. ♥
    It was difficult for me to visit my mom's and brother's grave (they are buried together) because it hurt so bad, but after about 10 years I was resolute to go. I went to the florist and ordered a beautiful arrangement with my mom's favorite color (purple) and blue for my brother. I then went to a store and bought some cleaning supplies and a pair of scissors. I then saw cute little trucks that my brother would have played with at the time of his death and some little gifts for my mom. I spent a couple hours cutting away the overhanging grass and scrubbing the footstone and headstone clean. I also did all the others of the family plot. Then I placed the flowers and gifts down for them. I am at peace now. ♥
    {{{HUGS}}}
    PrydferthMenyw

    Answer by PrydferthMenyw at 12:04 PM on Sep. 6, 2009

  • I didn't go to the funeral, and haven't been to the gravesite once since my Nana died. it hurts too much. Sometimes, we just need time to heal and grieve. My Nana passed in 2006 and I have avoided Florida like the plague since because I refuse to see her gravesite without my husband there to support me and my dd beside me to show my Nana how lovely she is. I still can't think about her without crying.
    So, no, in short, it isn't horrible. We deal, cope, grieve, and heal at different rates and in different ways.
    mama4Christ361

    Answer by mama4Christ361 at 12:45 PM on Sep. 6, 2009

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