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when will the anger end for my birthson adoptive family from the birthfather?

i placed a boy for adoption 5 years ago.my SO pushed my into it.we a;ready had 4 kids and could not give him what he needed in life.well after 4 months of fighting about it i told him fine i will make a adoption plan.well we both got to know the adoptive family we spent almost everyday with them. they are great people and the love my birthson so much.they send pic of him all the time(the birthfaather will not alow them in the home)we have to hide them.they ask us to come and vist all the time.they wont us all to be a big family.they wont my birthson to know his bio siblings.my birthson knows about us when i talk to him on the phone he tells me he came from my tummy and he came from his mommys heart.the adoptive family even calls my kids his real sisters and brother they just live with me(the mommy calls me mommy # one to him)they have tried to reach out to my SO but he has so much hate for them.how do i get him not be mad now

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:52 PM on Sep. 6, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (7)
  • You can't control how your child's biodad's feels. So don't try. Whatever he is thinking and feeling belongs to him and only for him to work at. If he wants your assistance he will ask. He may be mad at himself, mad at you for agreeing, or just not really desiring to know his child for a number of reasons. All of it is guess work because it sounds as if he hasn't told you his reasons for the anger. In the mean time, if you are staying with him and in a relationship, sneaking the adoptive family into his home is not the best idea. You want an honest relationship. So let him know what you need but don't expect him to have to do the same things. See your son and see his family. Do it in a way that honors everyone involved. You do a diservice to yourself and your family to sneak around or lie about visits. I'm sorry he can't seem to work on his feelings right now but that doesn't mean you change how you see things.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 5:13 PM on Sep. 6, 2009

  • Have you asked for SO why he hates the adoptive parents? Does he regret the adoption and resent them? Does he think of your son as a dirty little family secret? For whatever reason his attitude is going to hurt your adoptee son. Can you get him to a therapist that knows about adoptee issues?

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 5:30 PM on Sep. 6, 2009

  • I would wonder if it's pride, now realizing that HIS son is being raised by someone else. He may have been overwhelmed by the thought of another "mouth to feed" (working men think practically) when you first got pregnant and panicked and wanted you to place for adoption. Perhaps he didn't realize how attached he would be to the child once he actually got here. Add to that his MALE child, as sometimes Daddy's put all their hopes and dreams on their sons more their daughters. It may have nothing to do with any of this and as frogdawg said, it is his to work thru. It's hard, dare I say impossible, to get a man to counseling, but if he would, he could start healing. In the mean time, allow him his feelings of anger even toward the aparents. They have to realize that he's in pain, and give him room, as they would do to you, being his birth mom. Sounds like you picked some awesome aparents for your son, BTW.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 5:42 PM on Sep. 6, 2009

  • If I were in your position, I would have told him to hit the road and welcome the child and family with open arms. He is being unreasonable and to "forbid" pictures is just a bit much. Sounds like he has control issues and is a bit of a douchebag.
    randi1978

    Answer by randi1978 at 7:30 PM on Sep. 6, 2009

  • LOL Randy. girl tell it as you find it. I kinda thought this too, but I think some counselling is at least worth a try considering all the children involved here.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 2:10 AM on Sep. 7, 2009

  • randi1978 Thank you for saying what so many of us were probably thinking:)
    Luuckymommy

    Answer by Luuckymommy at 1:26 PM on Sep. 7, 2009

  • I wouldn't hide anything if I was you. Some parents wouldn't want it that open, It's cool that they want it that open and are honest with the little guy. If I were you, I'd tell your SO to stick it.
    Jacki88

    Answer by Jacki88 at 8:21 PM on Oct. 7, 2009

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