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16 year old

Heres my problem. My husband and I have a difference of opinion on how much we should trust her (she will be 16 in October). We were at a festival and a boy she knows was leaning on her. At the time, I didnt think anything about it but her dad got upset and smarted off to them. So, of course she rolls her eyes and tears up. I was upset with him at the time. I feel like we need to trust her at some time. But then he said, I dont think she should let some boy put his hands on her period. Its direspectful. Well now I kindof see his point too. I feel so in the middle because I always try to keep him from going overboard, but I dont want to be stupid either. We trust her for the most part, she is a good girl. But how much can u really trust that age? I dont know where I stand. And I really want her to understand what we expect from her.

 
mzbarker2

Asked by mzbarker2 at 12:06 AM on Sep. 7, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

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Answers (10)
  • My children have all been raised with the knowlegde of what we expect of them. What is right and wrong. When they hit teenage yrs, you need to test your teaching skills, and give them a little freedom. Letting them make mistakes, when they are teens, is much better than setting them off in the real world as and adult, and not being able to help. My motto to all my teens is "I trust you and respect your intelligence and privacy. If you give me a reason not to trust you, you lose your privacy." I think that gives them choices, a little breathing room, and me a chance to correct mistakes, if they arise.
    I still check up on my kids from time to time. I talk and talk and listen and listen. I have 3 teen girls. One with a boyfriend. Its hard, but I raised them, I trust them.
    momsbreak5654

    Answer by momsbreak5654 at 6:31 AM on Sep. 13, 2009

  • Mom's tend to be more lenient with the daughter's than the dad's...Just keep talking to her about stuff and let her know to please trust you if she has any questions but at the same time she needs to becareful bc you don't want her to think you are being her friend either tell her you will still have to follow your dh feelings and rules, but there will be days that she can maybe get away with little stuff but she has follow the rules too. So if she trusts you 100% and vise versa then all will turn out just fine. Next time you guys go out make sure she doesn't let stuff like this happen again in front of dad. GL

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:20 AM on Sep. 7, 2009

  • I totally understand where you are. I have 3 boys, and you know, they are good kids, but they're kids. Their hormones are raging, and even good kids give in to temptation. I know I did. I was an honor roll student, and never got into any trouble, I really was a good kid, but when they think they're in love, or are even just curious, even good kids......

    I don't think there's any way to totally prevent kids from doing things we don't approve of, but I do my best to not give them too many opportunities to get into trouble. The boys aren't allowed to have girls in their rooms, they're welcome to come over and hang out in the living room, kitchen, patio...not bedrooms. They do date though, and I'm not naive enough to think that they are totally innocent. We talk to them about respect, responsibility, consequences, try to supervise as much as possible, and then it's kind of up to them. Good luck!
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 12:22 AM on Sep. 7, 2009

  • I never thought I would be the mom that didn't trust her kids but, I agree with your husband on this one. I have a teenage boy and I don't trust him with a girl as far as I can throw him! He has a lot of friends that are girls and he says they are like sisters to him. YEAH RIGHT! I also see how he goes googoo when they are over. We have a great relationship and he usually tells me what girl he is into that day, week, second..you know kids. But our strict rule is no girls in room, no girls alone. I have a friend that trusts her daughter too much and now has a sexually active 14yr old. Mom refused to think her daughter is having sex and truely think there was pressure by the boyfriend. Not forced sex but pressure to be more grown up than she is ready to be. Let your daughter know how you feel and open the line of communication now before she feels shes over her head in a relationship.
    babyboyzz

    Answer by babyboyzz at 12:26 AM on Sep. 7, 2009

  • Part of growing up is letting our kids make mistakes, if they don't/can't make these mistakes what happens when they are old enough to go out on thier own. One part of our jobs is to step back and help pick them up. We can not protect them forever, nor can we expect them to be our babies forever, boys are a big part of that growing up.

    Have you rasied her to understand what your expectations are of her? If so then step back and let the years of teaching do there thing. You have to trust in you as much as you trust in her.

    You also have to understand that she is going to hold hands, kiss, hug her boyfriends. This is part of the learning expierience (this was also the hardest part for dad and myself). Keep all lines of communication open, if you or your husband flip because she was holding hands how is she going to know it is safe to come to you when she has a real issue?

    luckysevenwow

    Answer by luckysevenwow at 10:30 AM on Sep. 7, 2009

  • I truely understand what you are thinking .I worried about my daughter myself she also a very good girl .She aslo very smart with making the right choices in her life. we brought them up as best we could alls there's left is for us to trust them. but at the same time watch out for them a little without them knowing about it.
    incarnita

    Answer by incarnita at 11:49 AM on Sep. 7, 2009

  • I appreciate the imput. Yes I raised her to be a good girl. But I think she doesnt understand the things we expect of her as far as how people perceive what she is doing. This is a small town. It was a church festival. This guy looks rough. Very hip hop vulgar. Not the type of guy she would even consider bringing home. So why is it ok to be hanging with him in front of EVERONE? She seems so concerned about her reputation but then doesnt understand when people talk. I know you cant always worry about what everyone else thinks but there is a time and a place. And he isnt even somebody she's really even friends with. If it was a boyfriend, I would step back a little, but not this kid. He was one of only a few that looked like that, and there she was! Aarrgghh!!!!
    mzbarker2

    Answer by mzbarker2 at 12:21 PM on Sep. 7, 2009

  • I have a 16 yo dd and I can tell you I talk talktalktalk and then I talk some more. She know exactly what her father and I expect from her and what the rules are. She too is a good girl and has nice friends. Even her bf, who is here now, is a good kid. BUT I know what they are thinking. If this kid isn't even a friend of hers I would have to agree with your husband, and then I would ask her why she let him do that. Not trying to pick a fight with her, just trying to find out what she was thinking. Was she feeling threatened and afraid to tell him to step back or what was going on. I agree with you that we as parents have to trust our kids, but they also have to show us they are trustworthy. They have to know what we expect and what will happen if they act out of line. It is not easy,
    I have found that having these conversations without dad around are easier to have. Good luck.
    wallmom1

    Answer by wallmom1 at 5:16 PM on Sep. 7, 2009

  • You let your husband ruin her good time cause no boy should be touching her then you're asking for her to rebel. She's almost 16!!! When you and your husband were that age you were both running around holding hands, cuddling, and making out with whoever you were with at the time. Why tell you daughter she can't? She is going to keep doing it. She'll do it at school and while out with friends. The more restricted you make her feel when it comes to daiting and relationships the more likely it is she'll go out and screw some random guy when she's not ready just to piss you off.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:14 PM on Sep. 8, 2009

  • at some point you and your husband need to trust that you have given her the education, tools, encouragement, experience to make the right choices and to understand consequences of her actions whatever they may be.
    (I think I may have answered MY OWN question lol)
    luvbeinhermom

    Answer by luvbeinhermom at 2:06 PM on Sep. 10, 2009

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