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Would you pass up the opportunity?

This is for moms who are in the adoption process (or have already adopted if it applies): If you met a potential birthmom & you didn't like her for whatever reason would you still adopt her baby? Or would you pass up the opportunity & wait?


Asked by Anonymous at 12:51 AM on Sep. 7, 2009 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • I do not see that the agency would punish you for passing, surely there are about 40 other couples waiting in the wings. I think if they are reputable they would prefer you pass than break an open adoption agreement, at least I hope they would. Southernroots mentioned the next 20 years, well in my case, since my son wants me in his life forever, you have to think if you want her at your child's wedding, be grandma to your grand kids, at college graduation, and on and on it goes. I say pass. Have you talked to the agency about your doubts?


    Answer by onethentwins at 10:18 PM on Sep. 8, 2009

  • I beleive that if you and the birth mom don't match. It would only be harder in the long run. If you want a child then adopt one with out the headache and hassles. Its important that everyone clicks.

    I would pass and wait for another match


    Answer by rsambhi at 1:26 AM on Sep. 7, 2009

  • Depends on if she wanted an open adoption or not.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:39 AM on Sep. 7, 2009

  • I am a birth mother so I'm only going to comment here. I asked this question myself recently after my son's adoptive parents and we (his birth family) celebrated his 21st birthday together. I picked his parents and obviously I liked them, but I know they are kind of stuck with me. The best answer I received was the one that said she would go ahead with the adoption and work on the relationship with the birth mother. It's kind of like marrying a man when you don't like your future in-laws, it's something you really need to search your heart about.


    Answer by onethentwins at 2:17 AM on Sep. 7, 2009

  • I didn't like my sons biological mom. She smoked weed while pregnant and drank. It was heartbreaking wondering what kind of damage she was doing to that precious baby. She handed me my son and said here take the Fing brat and left. She wanted nothing to do with him ever again. I could not walk away from him he was born with drugs and alcohol in his system. He has a host of learning issues and behavioral issues due to this womans irresponsible behavior while pregnant. When he cries out of frustration because he cannot figure something out or when he cries because he cannot calm down I want to go beat the crap out of her. She did contact me when he was 12 years old asking to see him I told her no way she called me a B@tch and has not called since. She is in prison now for murdering her last child by drowning them. My son has one mother and that is me. I would have never allowed his vile bio mom to make me walk away.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:50 AM on Sep. 7, 2009

  • OMG anon 11:50 That is awful and I feel for your family I really do. I adopted three kiddos from foster care and understand how heartbreaking it is to deal with your child having trouble but maybe put a disclaimer that you understand that your situation is unique and not all mothers who make an adoption plan or even lose rights through CPS are vile monsters.

    Answer by Luuckymommy at 1:37 PM on Sep. 7, 2009

  • I admit freely that my son's birthmother has a personality set that I have ALWAYS had difficulty with treating and providing therapeutic services. I have always found those people living with it not pleasant and have tried as much as possible to not engage in those situations. Yet there I was in the hospital with a woman who picked us to be the parents of this new born baby and she was also living with a disorder that is so impossible for so many to live with. I had nothing but empathy for her, her family, and for this child. How hard it must be to be her. She drives everyone away, deliberately sabotages every good thing to cause more drama, lies, puts herself into dangerous situations. And so I brought him home. Yes I dislike her disorder and her actions but that doesn't mean I hate her. I hate the decisions she makes, she can make different choices.  But you can't play the blame game and keep hating.


    Answer by frogdawg at 10:05 PM on Sep. 7, 2009

  • Anon: my son's birthmom also did not get prenatal care, drank, engaged in illegal drugs. But I can't bring myself to hate her. Yes, my son has health problems related to that (most likely but who knows for sure) but that to HATE is such a strong thing. Disliking actions is less toxic for me personally. Hate and anger just eats me up inside.

    Answer by frogdawg at 10:09 PM on Sep. 7, 2009

  • The question for me would be would the agency allow me to pass on the situation? Basically, I would have to have a good reason to pass on a situation that matched all my guidelines because I would be afraid that the next one wouldnt come along

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:19 PM on Sep. 7, 2009

  • Obviously, from the replies, some moms do adopt children whether they like their birth mothers or parents. There is no clear cut right or wrong answer to your question. You are not required to like her, but you do need to be able to get along well with her. Plus, it would be better for everyone involved if you did like her. It may not be such a great opportunity if you dislike her so much that dealing with her for the next 20 years will be hard.

    As for whether the agency "allows" you to pass or not, they should not be dictating your choice. If you simply dislike this pregnant woman, that might not be enough of a reason. However, if you think having to deal with her in an open adoption as the child grows up would be horrible, that might be reason enough. Don't go ahead though and think you can just dismiss her. That is not fair to anyone.


    Answer by Southernroots at 9:52 PM on Sep. 8, 2009