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I have to regards to another post i read...because it touched a nerve with me.

I come on here, not all the time, but often enough. I do know that several of you do have other children since your relinquishment. A post I read was someone telling an ap that she adopted to have to fill up her loss?

Lets hear it. Birthparents, particularly those who have more children, is that really what you think? That paps adopt to replace children they have lost? Is it even possible?

If not, then ok. If you do, did you also have the same motivations for having a child? Did you have your subsequent child in order to "replace" or "fill" a void of your first child?

Surely, the majority of birthparents can not think this as some of you seem intelligent and an intelligent person would not make such an ignorant statement or assumption. You all know too well what it is like to lose a child (in a different way of course) and know that they can not be replaced.

But I do not want to assume you all think this way. I want answer


Asked by Anonymous at 9:26 PM on Sep. 11, 2009 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (34)
  • No matter who says it, it is an out of line comment and silly. I know I have had a loss and another child, adopted, bio or whatever could never take their place.
    Maybe it was said out of jealousy? A bm upset that an ap adopted a baby after her loss probably upsetted her. Harboring some bitter feelings about her own situation. Why she feels it concerns her or that moms don't have a right to have other children after a loss is beyond me, but, there are all sorts of wack jobs here.

    Answer by Luvnmifamily at 9:52 PM on Sep. 11, 2009

  • op here. I just wanted to add that a lot of you want to claim that anonymous people are trolls, which on cafemom the majority are, but I am not. However this made me upset that someone said this as I also have losses. for someone to think that is absurd.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:27 PM on Sep. 11, 2009

  • im not a biomom or had a loss, but i don't think so. i mean, who would think that unless they were really not thinking clearly. the persion who said it is probably speaking from anger and hurt. isure hope they don't mean it. its unfortunate if they do

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:45 PM on Sep. 11, 2009

  • That does make me think "Did all the birthmothers get their tubes tied after relinquishing?" I know they didn';t, but I'm just making a point here. I just took a look see at that post after combing through questions. It would figure that someone who would say something disgusting as that would be anonymous. No suprise to me. I sure would love to know who this "intelligent" person is...

    To anyone who has loss a child, no matter how, i am truely and deeply so sorry. You DO have a right to have more children and build your family either through adoption or biologically.

    Answer by Luvnmifamily at 10:02 PM on Sep. 11, 2009

  • People believe many things about adoption that are absurd. Adoptive parents have many differing reasons for adopting, just as birth parents have various reasons for relinquishing. You cannot assume that everyone is the same, but, in adoption people do that constantly. I believe that the average person who adopts does so because they want to raise children. Inevitably, some people probably do adopt for other reasons, including to replace a child they lost.

    However, I agree that a rational person should know that children are not replaceable. On the other hand, adoption agencies routinely tell young pregnant women considering adoption that they can have their "own" child later, when they are older and more ready. Apparently, some adoption professionals must think children are replaceable.


    Answer by Southernroots at 10:02 PM on Sep. 11, 2009

  • As a mother who relinquished my first son 40 years ago, I am profoundly aware that it is impossible to replace a child. I did not try to do that; I knew better. I did have a second son 5 years after relinquishing my first son, but because I wanted another child. Sometimes people do have a child as a replacement for another child, but it is a bad idea. I think most parents, adoptive or birth, understand this.

    Answer by Southernroots at 10:06 PM on Sep. 11, 2009

  • BTW, some birth mothers are asked if they can have other children after relinquishing one, as though relinquishing a child means you are not fit to parent. Again, people relinquish and adopt for a wide variety of reasons. Some of those reasons are sound and logical; some are not.

    Answer by Southernroots at 10:08 PM on Sep. 11, 2009

  • I have a friend who, long before she met me, placed a child with his adoptive parents. And then she had her second child less than a year later. If you asked her she would honestly say that she probably was trying to "replace" the child she placed for adoption. She really can't tell you because she admits quite openly that she wasn't thinking clearly then, she was rebelling. Now she is a proud mother of three, including the child she placed. She is good friends with her child's mother and will also tell you she has no regrets. It is true you cannot assume on either side thoughts or feelings. I assumed when I spoke to her, because of time on CM, that maybe she had such deep pain and grief still and other things moms on here talk about. Nope. No one coerced her. When I asked her how she could sign her rights away: she told me simply all she focused on was her child. What she knew to best for him.


    Answer by frogdawg at 10:36 PM on Sep. 11, 2009

  • She provided him a family and a home, as she put it, a good life and a better life than what she could have given him. She does say that life after placing him is a blur. That she doesn't really remember whole months. There was a lot of pain that was evident. For me, I never adopted a child to fill a void. I was already complete. If I never got to raise a child my life is still good. I wanted to expand my family and raise a child but it wasn't this I have to do this or I will feel always empty. There was an intense desire but not an eternal quest in order to be happy. Also adoption was not to replace not being able to have children. I have no idea if I can have biological children or not. My first choice was always adoption. It was never the alternative route. But the first path I chose.  There was nothing to replace.  Only open arms and open heart ready to love.


    Answer by frogdawg at 10:44 PM on Sep. 11, 2009

  • I am a PAP, and have come to know many birth mothers and adoptive mothers on here and while some Anons make callous remarks, I don't think that this one was intended to INFLICT pain, but REVEALED hers. You want answers, OP, then listen with your heart. No child can replace another child. We relinquish/adopt for our own personal reasons. We are all human & get can upset at times. It's allowed. That's called support. I have a feeling that she posted because someone "hit a nerve" in HER (unintentionally), that people tend not to give condolences to bmons who lost children thru adoption. **PS-I did do back & see that babycakes WAS offended and received some support from other posters. I don't think that we have to "compare scars" to realize that MANY have been hurt by various life experiences. It is difficult when someone is especially hurt and "strikes out" perhaps not intending to. I hope that this was the case.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 11:13 PM on Sep. 11, 2009