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Is it wrong that I choose not to have contact with my child who was adoptd even though she is wanting contact?

It's just too painful. I lost her in a very bad way(not my choice,long story). She is still a kid and I don't want to confuse her. Plus I can't stand Amom. She's not right. It took so long to feel normal again and I need to stay that way for my children I have now. I love her,but I just don't feel right about it.


Asked by Anonymous at 8:11 PM on Sep. 12, 2009 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (30)
  • OP, I am sorry you are feeling such grief, and pain from your past, and I am so so sincere when stating this. WE all have made many many mistakes in our past, but MOST all of us turn those mistakes into lessons, which is how we grow and change! As a mother, you as we all do, wish to teach our children how to rectify mistakes, and in return grow, to become better. By showing your daughter, that indeed life lessons have been painful, you do not wish to put her through any UNneccasary pain, at least none more than already has been. Please find a way in your heart, to show her , that no matter what she has learned or been told, she IS important, and you will try to some how be there for her, and by no means is ANY of this her fault. At 12 , we sometimes tend to internally feel ALL the wrongs in the world is because of something WE did. Now is your chance to rectify some of the pain, not only for her, but for YOU;) C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 11:11 AM on Sep. 14, 2009

  • You do what you think is right for you. She is not your child anymore. You might be ready to deal with seeing her later on in life.

    Answer by louise2 at 8:15 PM on Sep. 12, 2009

  • I'm sorry you're still hurting about this. Good thing is you know she okay and wants to know about you.

    If I were in your shoes, I would send her a letter through the agency (so she doesn't have your location) that basically says you'd like her to stay in contact with the agency so when she is an adult, you and she can come back to the question of contact. She is too young and I agree she needs to concentrate on her adoptive family and allow you more time.

    This way you are not snubbing her by not answering her, but you are instead telling her to wait. In time she may even decide she wants to let things alone and won't want contact.

    Answer by 07upsydaisy at 8:17 PM on Sep. 12, 2009

  • Is the reason why it's so painful to talk to her because of maybe guilt on your part? Guilt can do strange things even when we don't realize thats what we're feeling. Whats not right about the Amom? And noone else can tell you whats right or wrong FOR you. I'm only asking to get more info before I give my opinion but I can't tell you if not wanting contact with her is wrong. If I were you I would look at all sides before making a decision like that also. Your daughter wants contact with YOU. What is she going to feel like when she finds out that you don't want contact with her? Would she understand your reasoning? Try to look at everything in every possible way dear, thats really the only advice I can give on this.

    Answer by Katrina3016 at 8:17 PM on Sep. 12, 2009

  • How old is this girl? Does she really understand what she is asking? Is there someone in your family who can give her the family history/ect without you having to be the one she contacts? As someone else suggested can you have her keep her info updated with an agency and when she is older you contact her? When she is old enough to realize you did the best you could at the time. I guess its normal to be curious about your history if your adopted, but its also your right to your privacy if you want it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:44 PM on Sep. 12, 2009

  • I think you should send her a card with a note telling her you love her and you want to meet her one day and start a friendship with her and when she is older you will tell her everything and explain why things had to be this way, but as far now yall cannot keep in touch. ask her to forgive you and tell her no matter what you want her to know you love her and always will. I dont know this is a tough situatuion. But realize every person has the right to know the truth and you owe that to her and yourself. I mean I know if I was adopted and my real mom didnt even want to explain things to me it would mess me up like she loved her other kids more and I wasnt good enough too even know why. Dont be selfish.

    Answer by ggiovanni at 8:44 PM on Sep. 12, 2009

  • I agree totally with katrina And with aqiovanni.the part from writing her a note and explaining the rest later. good luck

    Answer by incarnita at 9:23 PM on Sep. 12, 2009

  • Not understanding why you would take a chance on hurting this girl.Long bad story dealing with her being adopted or not it is not her fault,It is also not her fault her mom is not right and you don't like her mom.So it seems she currently doesn't feel rejected but follow this path and she will .No matter how many nice notes you send her saying you don't want to have contact with her now she will still feel rejected.Guess you can cross your fingers that when you get around to it she'll be interested.I would like to hear your explanation to her about your current children compared to her.Stop feeling sorry for yourself ,direct your anger at the appropriate people ,get some therapy and be there for this child you say you didn't want to give up.Act like it.


    Answer by Anonymous at 9:48 PM on Sep. 12, 2009

  • FYI I have had tons of therapy. And before you spew anymore hateful comments let's get a few things straight. I did not relinquish my rights her father did.Amom and my rex were screwing. She was taken. There is no agency to contact. I had her stay with someone from my church while I went to rehab. When it was time for her to come back the now amom inflicted an injury on her(has admitted to it)and called cps. See what we didn't know was she had been trying to adopt a baby for a long time unsuccesfully.I fought and fought but I lost. They left the state immeadiatly. 12 years later it's a little late to do anything about it.I opened her up to this. I'm just not ready. She is too young yet for me to be involved and I don't know how much she knows. It's just not time. So next time please don't assume that I am some insensetive asshole that doesn't care about her feelings.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:31 PM on Sep. 12, 2009

  • Sorry that happened to you but I didn't say anything positive about the amom. I totally assumed you had good reasons to dislike her. What I said was to consider your daughter and direct your well deserved anger at the right people .Didn't say a thing about if you were right or wrong about the amom. Could care less about her, took your word at face value. My only concern is the daughter that was placed for adoption no matter how she got there .I do know people that were placed and when refused contact it made a horrible impression that stayed. I realize you're in pain but look at the answer it is not about the amom or how it happened at all .If it has been 12 years she may have overheard things and trying to find out the truth about you. Only you can show her who you are not by explaining now but by being her loving mom when she calls. It may help you feel better when you play a positive role.


    Answer by Anonymous at 12:16 AM on Sep. 13, 2009