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What do you think about this?

My husband is diabetic and has Erectile Dysfunction...He won't go to the Dr and ask about it, because he says there is nothing to do. I have talked til I am blue in the face and shown him articles and he just won't even try to see if it could be fixed. We are just into our 50s but I am not ready to just accept that he will never make love to me if he won't even try to find out if it is permanent! (BTW it has been over 3 years)What would you do?

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kassandra55

Asked by kassandra55 at 10:44 AM on Sep. 13, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (12)
  • I dunno, personally I would be furious with him. I would tell him to quit acting like a child who has to vaccum the house for an allowance. I would also buy sex toys and made sure he knew about them, I would watch porn infront of him lol. Now I don't recomend you doing that, but to me that's just him being selfish and I wouldnt' put up with that from him
    Zakysmommy

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 10:55 AM on Sep. 13, 2009

  • I would do the same thing you are doing! I understand he might be a bit too embarassed to talk to the Dr. about it but I would think alittle embarassment would be worth making you happy! How does he know there is nothing that can be done about it when you keep showing him proof that there is!?
    Katrina3016

    Answer by Katrina3016 at 10:56 AM on Sep. 13, 2009

  • I would tell him he has 2 weeks to get over his embarassment and talk to the doctor, that you will be going with him to the appointment! You didn't say if you had a happy marraiage otherwise,but if so I seriously would consider an affair, I know people are gonna bash me for this but there has to be plenty of men who would enjoy a roll in the hay a couple of times a week with no strings attached! You are way too young to live a sexless life forever, if you are not happy otherwise and your kiddos are grown divorce him and get the love you deserve!
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 11:01 AM on Sep. 13, 2009

  • Yea I kind of agree with Kimi on this one, I wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage, especially if it was easily remedied
    Zakysmommy

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 11:05 AM on Sep. 13, 2009

  • I think there is still a lot of shame or embarrassment when it comes to ED. Men still joke about someone not being able to "get it up", and maybe he thinks if he goes to the doctor, it challenges his manhood.  Although the men my DH work with pass Viagra around and other things! And also, he may feel it's not as important to you because of the old myth that women don't like sex any way. I would tell him what you said here, that you can't imagine going the rest of your life without making love to him, perhaps that will inspire him to go to the doctor!  Let him know you have needs too.

    Austinsmom35

    Answer by Austinsmom35 at 11:06 AM on Sep. 13, 2009

  • You know, if I knew he had been told by the Doctor that it is not fixable, I could live with it. We have a lot more in our relationship worth keeping, but the fact that he refuses to go find out makes me feel like he doesn't care about me. There is the fact that he works 12 hours a day and never seems to have time to go to doc...But he goes to the Dr for his diabetes at least every couple months and always "forgets" to ask him. He manages to get time off for other Dr stuff. Thanks for the answers though, I feel better knowing I am not totally off base with how I feel.
    kassandra55

    Answer by kassandra55 at 11:41 AM on Sep. 13, 2009

  • Why don't you get information for him. He is probably embarrassed for a man to lose his ability to function is very emascualting for him. If he was a woman and her husband was pressuring her to get help for it everyone on here would be calling him a jerk. It is his body and choice that does not only apply to women. If he doesn't want to take meds that can affect his health that is his choice. You have one too love him for who he is and deal with this with him. Change how you approach this with him. If you come at him in a way that makes him feel threatened he probably won't see a doctor. Sex is important but should never be a deal breaker in a marriage. My husband is paralyzed from the neck down we will never have sex again. It sucks but you know what it would have sucked more if he died. I will take what I can get and love my husband and our life together. Not easy but what in life is.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:14 PM on Sep. 13, 2009

  • Maybe he doesn't want to know the answer. Remember that many men validate themselves through their phallus and if he finds out that mini him will never work again then he'll probably fall into a depression that is worse than what you are dealing with now. This way he maintains hope that life as he wants to remember it isn't over. My SO has ED. For the most part I just service him but we still have fun. Sometimes he can get hard enough to try but it never stays hard long to get anything really accomplished and I think that bothers him more than if it just stayed soft. I've been with other men in the past with diabetes and ED and it's the same thing, even if they can get firm (not even hard) they can't do much with it and the shame (silly I know but they feel shame bc they can't perform) is just too much for them. If you love the man then quit pushing the dr thing. He's well aware of what you want. Try toys & invite him 2 watch
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:18 PM on Sep. 13, 2009

  • Get toys and invite him to watch or play with them on you. DH doesn't have ED but he really loves that I am confident enoguh to do that with him. Find out when his next dr appointment is and go with him, and go in the room with him. If the moment seems right bring it up to the Doc. If you see the same doc yourself, go talk to him about it at your own appointment. And I disagree, no sex would be a deal breaker for my marriage, if there was some way to make it happen and it wasn't. Make sure he knows you understand if the doc says that there is no hope, he might be afraid you will leave him if he finds that out.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:02 PM on Sep. 13, 2009

  • Anon- I am sorry about your husband, and in your case, I totally support the fact that you would remain faithful! I am concerned because her DH can fix his problem, but because of embarassment or unwillingness refuses to. A man who loved his wife wholly would want to experience lovemaking with her, if he could. Now that you have told me how much he works, it sounds like he is avoiding something, probably just the intamancy of being in a relationship completely. How long have you been married?
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 1:08 PM on Sep. 13, 2009

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