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My almost 10 year old son is having a hard time dealing with not having a father. His step dad (now my ex husband) is no longer in his life as we are fighting in court over custody of our children. He has a hard time when his brother and sister have to leave and go to their dads. His bio-dad has been in and out of his life sence he was born, mostly out as hes been in prison on and off for the last 10 years. Has anyone delt with the issue before, how do you react when they want to go to the ex's and your on fighting terms? do/did you let them? I have continued to tell him there is no use that we are NEVER getting back together, because he keeps asking when is the fighting going to stop.. I dont want him to go to the Exs

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Asked by Luckybear05 at 5:07 PM on Sep. 14, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 14 (1,681 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • If you don't let him, he will probably start resenting you for keeping him from his father. If the father is a dick, your son will see it and not want to visit with him. It sounds like it's already to late but you shouldn't slanderize your childs father to him. Deep down he knows that he's half of his dad and will equate that into his self image.
    My oldest daughters father doesnt' have anything to do with her. At about your son's age she started having problems and I put her in counseling to help her deal with it. Her father wasn't willing to visit with her, not even on the phone. Different circumstances then what your dealig with but giving him a counselor to help him deal with his feelings and frustration should help. If you don't do something I'm 100% sure your going to have some major behavioral issues on your hands. GL

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:42 PM on Sep. 14, 2009

  • why doesn't ex-step-dad want him over as well? i bet that is what is really killing him right now. when the other two go to dads, and he can't, he is being told that the person he thought of as DAD isn't his dad, and it hurts. fighting or not, kids should be allowed to see both their parents

    Answer by bi-polarmommy at 11:04 PM on Sep. 14, 2009

  • If step-dad has been in his life for a significant amount of time, who says your oldest can't go visit him the same time his brother and sister do? Is that your decision or your ex's? You need to rethink it at any rate. If that is the only dad he knows, he needs to be allowed to see him or the resentment will build so much that he won't be able to function normally. Just because you and your ex can't get along, doesn't mean you have to drag your child into it. If he isn't a great Dad, before long, the kids will figure that out on their own.

    Answer by kustomkrochet at 6:52 AM on Sep. 15, 2009

  • I just want to clarify... Are you saying that he has almost no contact with his bio dad and now you are going through a divorce from his step father? Does step father want to have him visit as well as the other kids or no? If step father is willing to include him in the visits, I feel very strongly that he should be included. Otherwise he is just being completely abandoned by a man who he had come to trust and rely on as his "Dad". This is especially senstive since he has siblings who are visiting his stepdad. I would try not to use him as a pawn and I would try not to minimize his feelings just because it isn't his "real Dad". This is a very complicated situation for him and he needs sensitivity. From your question I really can't tell if you are talking about him when you ask about sending the kids to the ex's....If the ex really has no interest in him, that is very painful.

    Answer by BJoan at 7:21 AM on Sep. 15, 2009

  • He has almost no contact with bio dad till recently and thats only in letters as he is in jail. His step dad is fighting even with the other children (whom havent been bio proven) His step dad has been in his life sence birth. As far as going to his step dads house with the other children** we live 35 miles away, we have week to week visits (something im trying to get changed), He is in school. I am divorcing his step father. His step father and step fathers mother are both assholes towards my son while he was visiting over the summer and i refuse to send my son back into that. I am sensitive towards my son and not using him as a pawn. My ex is the one who walked out on us. My ex puts on a front when he picks up the other two children. He is not my Exs therefor he has no business going to his house sence he was treated badly before, and I do not want strangers watching my children. (currently court battle)


    Answer by Luckybear05 at 5:19 PM on Sep. 15, 2009

  • You divorced each other not your children, If your ex wants to see him I don't think you should stand in the way of that. As grown ups when we know we can't get along we accept it and we move on. A child can not do it as well and shouldn't have to. You need to understand your son has an emptyness and if your ex is a good man he filled it and it shouldn't be take away just cause the 2 of you can't get along.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:01 PM on Sep. 15, 2009

  • personally with all the issues surrounding my ex right now he is not a good man and hasnt been that way for about 6 years. I am not sending my child to a place where he is going to be neglected because hes not the biological son of this prick and sence my ex lives with his mother that is what will happen because its happend in the past.

    Answer by Luckybear05 at 11:37 PM on Sep. 17, 2009

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