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military wives & deployment

did you and your husband fight and argue alot before he deployed? my husband is deploying soon and there doesnt seem to be a day goes by that we dont argue about something. usually stupid crap that gets blown out of proportion. i hate to fight with him, we never really argued before just lately we cant seem to get along. and i dont want him to go with us fighting like we are. any suggestions to help us get along better? he doesnt want to talk about the deployment, every time i try ( im one of those people who NEEDS to talk about whats going on or i wont feel better) he just gets mad and walks away or yells and then i yell and i dont like it at all. is it normal though? and again any suggestions on how we can maybe get along atleast a little better. everyday we fight about something and its killing me!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:43 PM on Sep. 15, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • oh I'm sorry. Maybe there's a support group on base or in area, maybe a chaplain or another kind of counsellor for you at least to go to for support and then bring in husband? Maybe here in CM there's military support groups for you. I'm sorry for your stress and your husband's, I am so proud of our military and how they work to protect so many. Thank you. Try getting yourself counselling and then maybe husband will join you when he sees you truly are concerned more than nagging him.
    lfl

    Answer by lfl at 1:54 PM on Sep. 15, 2009

  • Take a deep breath and try to relax. Deployments are stressful on both of you. Neither one of you wants him to go but its part of his job he doesnt really have a choice. I dont know your hubs obviously but i can tell you mine turned into this scared little boy and instead of talkin about it he ignored it like the pleague and to top it off he always thinks someone is going to hit on me or I am going to cheat on him. If he doesnt want to talk dont make him it only makes things worse he will talk when he is ready. Just dont try to think you understand whats going on were he is cause you probably dont. also when he is venting let him. dont turn it into one of your situations cause that doesnt help either. I know it sounds like you are turning him into a 4yr old but kinda you are. This is all from my expierence with my hubs still deployed and me being prior military myself. I hope this helps
    Quintensmom

    Answer by Quintensmom at 1:55 PM on Sep. 15, 2009

  • Yes!!! It was the way that we dealt with our emotions before deployment. Right before his first deployment it was really hard because I didn't know why we were fighting, or why I was angry at him. By the second and third deployments we were able to realize what was going on and how to better deal with our emotions. If you are a "talker" then try to find a friend who will listen. Let him deal with it in his own way even if that means not talking about it. Just let him know that you are there for him, if he does need to open up and talk about it. (This normally happens about a day or two before deployment, or it may never happen depending on your husband). Even though this may be hard on you, just realize that this is 10 times harder on him. Good Luck and if you need any ideas for staying connected while deployed, just message me.

    JeremysMom

    Answer by JeremysMom at 1:58 PM on Sep. 15, 2009

  • This is for the first reply to this post who couldnt post normal....first off you must not be a military spouse or you would not have said what you did and second fights happen so unless you are a military spouse and have any idea what your talkin about how about you shut up. Being a spouse is hard but being a military spouse is harder than anyone can imagine and being ex mil and married to mil i completely understand what is going on so please ignore the first post they are crazy!!!!!!!
    Quintensmom

    Answer by Quintensmom at 2:02 PM on Sep. 15, 2009

  • My dh is former Navy, and I remember fighting all the time right before he left for extended periods of time. There are so many emotions that both of you are going through, he is worried about you being left at home to take care of the kids and everything else, but also concerned about his job and the things that he will have to do during his deployment. You are worried about his safety while deployed and the fact that you will have to be both mom and dad while he is gone. The fights are totally understandable, when you feel yourself start to fight, take a step back and think, "Is this what I really want to do right now?", even go into another room of the house to get away from him for a few minutes. It will be hard on both of you, but you will enjoy the time you have together before he leaves so much more. Best of luck to you Mom, I know how hard it can be!
    emnasmom

    Answer by emnasmom at 2:27 PM on Sep. 15, 2009

  • Yes, and it's completely normal. We've fought before all 3. Over time, we've gotten better about it and we can usually stop the fights before they escalate.

    Both of you know what's coming. And you're stressed and worried about it. And subconciously you want to push him away so it doesn't hurt so much when he leaves.

    My best advice is to sit down with him and tell him that you don't want to fight, and you want to stop fighting so much. See how he feels about it. Talk about it.

    I agree that the first poster cannot possibly be a military spouse, or at least not one that has went through a deployment.
    Cavalrybaby02

    Answer by Cavalrybaby02 at 3:33 PM on Sep. 15, 2009

  • my husband did that with his 1st deployment and it was mainly because he thought it would be easier on me if i was mad at him, and then i would pick fights with him because i was mad he was leaving. we are preparing yet again for deployment but we really arent fighting this time, we are instead trying to focus on the good things that can come out of it (paying off more debt, what we would like to do when he gets to come home) we are also talking about ways we will stay in contact with eachother. when it does start to sound like he is just trying to pick a fight i dont say anything back, i figure he needs to vent his feelings just as much as i do so i let him and then we go back to be our usual selves.
    tiffanyv123

    Answer by tiffanyv123 at 3:49 PM on Sep. 15, 2009

  • Its a normal part of the pre-deployment cycle. I think every military couple has gone through this. I remember before my husband's first deployment, we fought so bad. Neither of us wanted to fight, but we were both so stressed and scared that we didn't know how to process it. Its almost like you are subconsciously distancing yourself so that it doesn't hurt so bad when they leave. There is a book called "Separated by duty, United in Love" that I really recommend. Its written by a military wife and she goes into detail about this stuff, why we do it, and how to not do it. I read that and things went much smoother with my hubby's last deployment.
    abbynzachsmommy

    Answer by abbynzachsmommy at 5:47 PM on Sep. 15, 2009

  • here is a book called "Separated by duty, United in Love" that I really recommend
    __
    I second that.

    My husband bought the book his last tour in Iraq, and wrote notes in the margins and underlined stuff, and mailed it home to me. I bawled all the way through the book, mostly due to his notes.
    Cavalrybaby02

    Answer by Cavalrybaby02 at 6:02 PM on Sep. 15, 2009

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