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What to do next?

I am an adoptive parent. My daughters birth mother and I had an open adoption until the beginning of this year probably around Feb. We have always been able to talk and keep in touch, but not now. I thought we had a pretty good relationship. I have been trying to get ahold of her....phone, letters, etc. I keep sending my updates and pics, but a phone call would be nice too. I have the same number I always have and she has it. I have her number and when I call, I always leave a message. I'm sure she has alot going on, but what is my next step? I feel like she doesnt want me to call or write. I am going to keep doing it, but should I? Please no bashing...just want some insight.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:49 PM on Sep. 16, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (26)
  • Yes, keep going unless and until she tells you otherwise. Maybe it is too painful for her to do more now.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 5:55 PM on Sep. 16, 2009

  • I agree with Southernroots. She just might need a little time to really come to terms with the adoption. It's a good thing that you were able to have that bond with her.
    officerjoeys

    Answer by officerjoeys at 6:42 PM on Sep. 16, 2009

  • What you are experiencing is extremely common. There are tons of amoms who try to keep in touch with their child's bmom and dont get responses.

    I was one of them until my child was 4 and I got a call at Christmas. IT was her bmoms telling us that she just finished school and had a job she was starting on Monday. She was now married and had another child. She thanked us a 1000 times for adopting her child (how ridiculous is that, as if we were not the ones who were blessed by her!). She was so proud of her acheivements and we are now regular email friends with and holiday phone calls (in addition to the letters I continue to send)
    It is an awesome relationship and I wish every Amom could enjoy this type of friendship.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:42 PM on Sep. 16, 2009

  • It may be a little like a birth mother after first meeting their child again. Many times there is hesitation then contact, hesitation then contact again and again from the the teen/adult child. The advice given that results mostly in an eventual relationship is keep up small bits of contact. Nothing dramatic or questioning why. You are already doing this well, keep at it ,have patience and when she is able to move past what is inhibiting her from enjoying your efforts she will probably be back. Both your child and her birth mother are lucky you are kind and diligent.. I am a birth mother that hasn't had reunion. I am envious, Good luck.

    drfink

    Answer by drfink at 6:51 PM on Sep. 16, 2009

  • Unless you outright get a "don't contact me" then it's best to assume that what you are doing in the forms of contact is welcome. This is good advice too for reunions - birth parents wonder why adoptees don't initiate or respond to contact but you know what? Sometimes this stuff is really hard and the emotions can be overwhelming.

    I had to pull away for almost 3 years from the semi-open adoption arrangements I had made with my daughter's adoptive family. It was far too painful of a time for me in my own processing of the decision and situation leading up to placing her. Neither she, nor her parents deserved to be drug through the grief and dispair I was feeling. But, when I had worked through my own self-forgiveness and had reached a level of healing, they were there to welcome me with open arms. Keep on doing what you can - I've heard adoptive parents say they continued so that they could tell their children they tried.
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 7:47 PM on Sep. 16, 2009

  • I would just keep saving all the things you have been collecting. She might re-connect at some point. Just continue being there for her.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:22 PM on Sep. 16, 2009

  • I'm the OP: I will continue to send pics, letters, and make phone calls. I should have said this in my first post, but didn't. I need to get a message to her and I guess its gonna have to be in a letter for now though that is not how I wanted to tell her. We are moving...and its overseas. I want to tell her that and let her know that I will still remain in contact no matter where we are. I don't want her to doubt that. Please give me some suggestions on how to tell her and verbage.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:32 PM on Sep. 16, 2009

  • I think you just said it perfectly. "We are moving overseas. I want you to know that we will still remain in contact no matter where we are and I don't want you to ever doubt it." It's perfect. Also, I think it would be a really good idea to send your forwarding info to the adoption agency just in case you never hear from her again. That way when your daughter is an adult, if any of her extended birth family want to find her, the agancy can contact you.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 8:46 PM on Sep. 16, 2009

  • My daughter's birthmother does the same thing..

    I will call her....she will call me back...

    I will call her...and she will not call me back...

    I then wait until she calls me back....but if it is over lets say a 6 to 8 month period..
    I will then call her again.
    Dannee

    Answer by Dannee at 9:03 PM on Sep. 16, 2009

  • Frankly, I think a lot of Amoms come on here and read all the stories from bmoms who complain that their child's Amoms have cut them off and we over think it. We guess that our child's bmom must be in the same condition that the bmoms are on here. The truth is, many bmoms are fine with the current contact and dont think about adoption 24/7 like the women on here do. We have to remember that everyone is unique and not to project other's experiences onto the bmoms in our lives.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:43 PM on Sep. 16, 2009

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