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Is this appropriate to say to a child? My instincts say no

My stepson goes to his biomother's house Wednesday nights and she takes him to school Thursday mornings. (she also sees him on Saturdays into Sunday) Well, she comes here after she picks him up from school to get his overnight bag. I was giving her the weekly report, how he was, if he got into any trouble, what have you. He has been having problems at school only on Wednesdays and Thursdays, so I talked to her about that. She tells her seven year old son "If you can't get your shit together, then we will have to switch to all weekends. I am not losing my time with you because you are being a brat. Then I will have to go a week without seeing you and that will just make me worse. I do everything right. I do everything the way I am supposed, it is not my fault that you can't do what you have to do. I will not continue to try so hard if you can't be good at school. I follow the same schedule you have at home and it isn't my fault

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Mom1Stepmom1

Asked by Mom1Stepmom1 at 12:20 PM on Sep. 17, 2009 in General Parenting

Level 14 (1,498 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • Awwww that is sad that she talks to a 7 year old that way, well really that is sad no matter how old the child is.
    lilymama03

    Answer by lilymama03 at 12:22 PM on Sep. 17, 2009

  • What a potty-mouth bitch! That is so sad that he has to deal with that! I would tell her to try to watch her mouth around him b/c his teacher said it was affecting him emotionally. Make up some crap. This should be stopped. Buy her a book on how to be a good mom! lol
    forevermom75

    Answer by forevermom75 at 12:24 PM on Sep. 17, 2009

  • I couldn't think of anything to say, so I told him not to feel guilty that this wasn't his fault. He is already having problems with his mom and she has some mental illness that doens't help anything. She went an entire year with no contact, then would only see him once every three weeks for two hours at a time. It wasn't until May of 2004 (he was nearly 4) that she started any form of regular visitation, and that was only because it was court ordered. Even then she tried to cancel all the time. She doesn't follow the same routine, and he is so uncomfortable there. He hates her house, and doesn't really get along with her friends. She likes his boyfriend, but feels pressured to have a deeper relationship with him. I am at a loss for what to say. I told her today that she couldn't talk to him like that. That it isn't his fault that any of this is happening, and he is coping the best way he knows how.
    Mom1Stepmom1

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 12:25 PM on Sep. 17, 2009

  • No wonder the poor kid is having trouble in school. I'd take her to court and get supervised visits only.
    teamquinn

    Answer by teamquinn at 12:28 PM on Sep. 17, 2009

  • I would take it to court as well, with documentation from the teachers that he is having issues mainly on the days that he is with her. With a month or more of documentation it will show that it is a pattern, not just coincidence, and push for him to be with you guys during the entire week and ONLY on the weekends with her if he has to go at all.
    CarolynBarnett

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 12:31 PM on Sep. 17, 2009

  • The judge says that all we have is hearsay and no actual evidence that there is anything of concern going on. Our attorney says that it is so hard to prove emotional and verbal abuse and that Colorado is such a "mom friendly" state, that it will be nearly impossible to get supervised visits or to terminate visitation.
    Mom1Stepmom1

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 12:31 PM on Sep. 17, 2009

  • Thats why I said "documentation".

    Documentation is NOT hearsay. Talk to his teachers and see if you can get them to start documenting the times that he seems troubled.
    CarolynBarnett

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 12:36 PM on Sep. 17, 2009

  • No it isn't. Because she's blaming her problems on him.

    If it really WAS his fault and he was misbehaving on purpose to get even with her or whatever, I'd only have a problem with the swearing. I don't have a problem with a mom saying "You've got to do your part and behave", but in this case, it is obvious she's blaming him for her issues.

    This line really worries me:

    "I am not losing my time with you because you are being a brat. Then I will have to go a week without seeing you and that will just make me worse."

    Worse at what? Worse in parenting? Worse in her illness?

    Cavalrybaby02

    Answer by Cavalrybaby02 at 1:34 PM on Sep. 17, 2009

  • From now on when she comes to pick him up make sure there is something recording everything said. A cell phone or video camera set up somewhere discreetly may work. That way it isn't heresay or even your word against her's, it is video evidence of how she talks to him!
    frat_twin_mama

    Answer by frat_twin_mama at 1:37 PM on Sep. 17, 2009

  • I agree, start documenting things. Get reports from the teacher for the whole week and show on wednesdays and thursday, he changes. And get a recorder, whether a voice or video. It makes me wonder what she says to him when she has him alone.

    Poor little boy. He shouldnt have to hear that.
    MommyLee08

    Answer by MommyLee08 at 1:44 PM on Sep. 17, 2009

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