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How do i start an "ok" relationship with my step-kid's mommy?

I'm sure that by posting this I will receive some pretty hurtful, negative replies but it's important to me to figure out the best way to get along with the boy's mommy. Their mommy thinks I am the reason that my husband and her are no longer together. Either she ignores me or attacks me. Whenever I try to talk to her, I basically kiss her behind. I love my step sons SOOOOOO much and I want to work together as parents to make this a GREAT childhood for those boys. Honestly, I'm scared of their mommy. She's beautiful, smart, a FANTASTIC mom, but it feels like she is out to hurt us (my husband, myself, and my parents). Any advise on how I can be a better step mom or how I can form a relationship with their mom would help me a lot!! Thank you!!

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:43 PM on Sep. 17, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (6)
  • Compliment, compliment, compliment. Not her, but her parenting skills.

    Take something that he does really well, and ask her about it. "Oh my gosh, he is soooo good at _____. Did you teach him how to do that?!"
    Ask her advice on things. Does she garden? Do you garden or have houseplants? Ask her advice about it....this plant isn't doing so well, do you know what I could be doing differently?


    These are things I did to get along with my MIL. I know its not the same type of relationship, but it really payed off for me and I think that these are universal questions that can be used to build a relationship with just about anyone.
    CarolynBarnett

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 12:54 PM on Sep. 17, 2009

  • It depends on her personality. Kissing her ass isn't always the best way. What worked for us was the straightforward approach. "Look, these kids are stuck in the middle of this and we need to get along because it's better for the kids. Personally, I would prefer to just ignore you too, but that isn't what the kids need. So how can we work this out for them."
    Petie

    Answer by Petie at 1:14 PM on Sep. 17, 2009

  • Like Petie said.....be forward. Tell her you love the boys and you want to make their childhood a great one and the best way would be for everyone to get along. Tell her, she doesn't have to like you but at least to have some form of a "friendship" for the boys sake.
    MommyLee08

    Answer by MommyLee08 at 1:41 PM on Sep. 17, 2009

  • When you say that she blames you for the split... were they split up when you met DH, or did he cheat with you? Because even if the relationship was headed for a bad end anyway, if your relationship with him started before her relationship with him ended, that might just be something she is never going to forgive you for or get over.

    I agree with the other moms just to be direct and tell her that you want to have a civil relationship for the children's sake.
    riotgrrl

    Answer by riotgrrl at 2:19 PM on Sep. 17, 2009

  • No, sorry. They had split up before we started dating. I'm not that kind of person. We were friends though. We've been friends for years.

    The boys mother is an intimidating woman! It's even hard for my husband to talk to her. She's very smart and she uses everything against you and turns everything around. In all honesty, it would be hard for me to talk to her face to face about it, not only because the boys are always around, but also because she has a way for making me feel inferior and stupid.

    Could i e-mail her or would it loose its effect?
    Thank you!!


    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:47 PM on Sep. 17, 2009

  • Im a stepmom and have been in your shoes. I did for a while have a decent relationship with my sds mother. Its no longer that way but what I did was just started with talk about the kids and what they were doing. We establshed our relationship around that. Maybe it will work for you. Hope it helps.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:44 PM on Sep. 17, 2009

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