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How do I deal with my husband not respecting my boundaries, sexually?

I have had issues with my husband not respecting me sexually. A few months ago he wanted to do something sexually and I said I did not want to b/c I felt uncomfortable. He proceeded to do it anyway, moving my hands/legs out of the way and saying "come on, just a little bit". I said no at least 5 times before I gave up and let him do what he wanted. Since then I have not wanted to have sex with him at all.

Well, about a month ago he was angry w/ me b/c we hadn't had sex in a long time. I am pregnant and had been feeling extremely tired and sick that day. All I wanted to do was go to sleep. But he got angry, called me frigid and cold, a selfish bitch. He got so angry I was afraid. Then, for 3 hrs (!!) he pestered me about fucking him. I pleaded with him to drop it b/c i was so tired but he didn't. He started touching me (after I asked him to stop) and put his hands in my pants.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:13 PM on Sep. 18, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (41)
  • I started crying and said if he was going to fuck me to get it over with so I could go to sleep. He said, "REALLY?!" like he just won a prize then saw how horrible I felt and said, "no I'm not going to rape you". He laid there for a total of 2 minutes before turning back around and saying "can we just have sex?"

    I said fine whatever and let him screw me. Ever since then I have felt overwhelming disgust at the thought of him touching me. I can barely look him in the eyes. I feel betrayed and used. I know I should get over it, but I am having trouble. How can be intimate with and really love someone who feels so entitled to my body that they ignore my obvious reluctance for their own selfish reasons?

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    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:13 PM on Sep. 18, 2009

  • I know I'm probably making a huge stupid deal over this and I should just get over it, but it has been bothering me for a whole month. And on top of the experience we had a few months ago, I just don't know what to think or do, or how I can forgive him and stop feeling gross myself...

    okay that's it, sorry this is so long but it has been really bothering me and I think just some support or advice would help?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:14 PM on Sep. 18, 2009

  • Um, yea, you need to get rid of him, seriously. That is dangerous behavior. He has absolutley NO respect for you what so ever. It will only get worse. So you do yourself and your child a favor and GET RID OF HIM
    Zakysmommy

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 1:15 PM on Sep. 18, 2009

  • You do NOT need to get over it. He raped you! It does not matter if he is your husband or not, you said NO and he would not respect that. That, my dear, is rape. I am so sorry to say that to you.

    You need to have a long talk with him (if you can) and let him know that what he has done is inexcusable, and try to talk to someone if you can (your doctor, a trusted friend, or a therapist).

    Next time you say no, don't give in. No means no. If you have to, leave the room. He needs to figure out that he cant just do what he wants when he wants.
    CarolynBarnett

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 1:19 PM on Sep. 18, 2009

  • Don't get over it get him out, if he doen't respect you that much now it will just get worse later.
    NicholeAT

    Answer by NicholeAT at 1:25 PM on Sep. 18, 2009

  • What Carolyn Barnett said, exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:25 PM on Sep. 18, 2009

  • I disagree my husband does the same things they just need sex more! Other moms here must not have a stressed out very sexual husbands, he probably did not see it like you did, give him a break honey, stand by your man! make agreements and salee in a diff. bed if he is driving you crazy. Take it as a compliment he is your love, he just adores you sweetie!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:32 PM on Sep. 18, 2009

  • sleep on a futon in the living room if he is making you too tired, he will learn, keep smiling!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:34 PM on Sep. 18, 2009

  • You need to get away from this abuser!!! Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (7233)
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 1:37 PM on Sep. 18, 2009

  • @ anon 1:32

    If he adores me so much why didn't he leave me alone when I started crying? I don't think I should have to have sex with my husband when I feel exhausted and sick! We are married, but it's still my body and I should be allowed to have control over my own body. I would never dream of violating his boundaries the way he did with me. When you love and "adore" someone you are supposed to respect them!!

    The thing is, if he hadn't violated my boundaries the first time, I probably wouldn't have gone so long without sex. If he respected me sexually, I would WANT to have sex with him. But who wants to fuck someone that feels entitled to them and ignores their partner's needs and wants in favor of their own??

    Maybe I am making a big deal out nothing, but I don't think my feelings are completely invalid. Even if it's not rape, it was disrespectful and rude, and it made me feel horrible about him and about myself.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:39 PM on Sep. 18, 2009

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