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How Can I Fix My Relationship With My 20 yr old daughter

Divorced for 10 years. Two daughters have always lived with me. Youngest one 20 has been showing a negative attitude towards me for about 2 yrs. Was sweet thing but gradually started to show signs of anger towards me. I was a stay at home mom with her, from room mother to volunteering thru H.S. Cheerleading Tournaments. Always there when she needed me. Great student & kid. Very flexible-friends always welcome, boyfriends, etc. But gradually anger sparked, no talking, ignoring me, calling me annoying, even fighting with sister. A month ago, I couldn't take it anymore & told her that either she figured out what the problem was or she had to leave. She packed it up and moved in with her dad who she rarely cared to hang out with (not because of him; he is a very good father). He's remarried and has two small children. Continues to ignore me, rarely calls. I'm very angry & confused. Any ideas as to why this behavior?

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Asked by confususy at 12:38 AM on Sep. 19, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

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Answers (14)
  • I hate to be insensitive, but could it be drugs? I know that is a major cause of sudden attitude change


    Answer by Frogbaby83 at 12:46 AM on Sep. 19, 2009

  • All you can do is ask her. Make sure your ready for anything though because it may not be what you want to hear. you can call her up or write her a letter & let her know that you would like to talk. Maybe the two of you can meet at a nice quiet place. Go somewhere relaxing like the park, nice walk or maybe lunch..away from everyone else of course. All you can do is be prepared to listen. Ask her how or what she is feeling. Let her know that you feel hurt how everything was left & that you are trying to make sense out of the situation & that you are willing to work out your differences & try to come to a common ground. If she doesn't want to except, then the ball is in her court & she will have to deal with it later on but that is really all you can do. Just remember that you both dont have to prove who was right or wrong just try to listen & consider her point of views. Good luck, I hope you two can rebuild your relationship!

    Answer by onespecialmom at 12:48 AM on Sep. 19, 2009

  • My daughter suffers from Crohns disease and the bloodwork that is done on her on a regular basis would definitely indicate the use of drugs. She is on a series of meds which I have thought may be causing some type of chemical imbalance. I think that her personality changes started a few months after her diagnosis. Top honor college student, hates alcohol and even taking a tylenol. She is very private and the only thing I can come up with is that she is angry over her illness or that it's taken this long for her to vent her anger over the divorce. I have called her, light conversations, text, but the coldness is still there. I have tried the lunch thing and she'll say she'll get back to me. Her dad has not lived with her for 10 yrs so he can't assess what's normal and what's not.  Should I go to a therapist? Call her doctor? She is mad at me and her sister who was her buddy. She left her dog behind & hasn't asked about her!

    Answer by confususy at 1:38 AM on Sep. 19, 2009

  • Could it be she blames you for the divorse, sometimes kids tend to hold things in and once they get older they tend to blow up here and there even though you are there for them, I'm not trying to offend you but just a suggestion, maybe ask her to go to lunch with you and have a heart to heart talk with her, tell her how you feel when she treats you that way, and ask her why she is treating you that way. Good luck momma

    Answer by looovemybabies at 1:55 AM on Sep. 19, 2009

  • You had to have done something to make her mad. Or she's upset that she's sick. I would try and talk to her about it. Tell her that you know something is wrong and you'd really like to know what it is.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:13 AM on Sep. 19, 2009

  • Give her space and let her figure it out. You can't fix her problem.

    Don't worry she'll come to you. Life is the way it is and can't go back. Soon she'll figure that out herself as she has her own relationships.

    You done very well in being their during her school years.


    Answer by Anonymous at 9:59 AM on Sep. 19, 2009

  • It seems to me there is an underlying problem, some resentment that you have overlooked. This is what happens when families who don't communicate well let resentment set in. This is why so ardently advocate family meetings when these kind of thing arises, bring it all out in the open and discussed.
    Whatever you do don't give up on her, keep trying to find out the reason for her actions.

    Answer by older at 11:54 AM on Sep. 20, 2009

  • As a person who has serious health issues, I say CALL the DR. Medications can do cause mood disruptions. As a young woman, she has come to realize that she will always be different. Since she was a cheerleader, she is used to being popular and out front. Now, this is something she will have to discuss with men...not easy and makes her feel different. When we are hurting, we lash out at people we know will love us anyway. Were there boyfriends around the time of her diagnosis? As irrational as it is, she may blame you for the diagnosis. She may see that her sister's life is not disrupted by Crohns.....a very tough illness. Just love her. I went through something similar with my 20 yr old son. We had his hormones tested and it turned out that they were abnormally LOW. Now that he is on replacement, he is more like he used to be. There might be an underlying issue. Talk to the dr.

    Answer by tomatoqueen at 4:13 AM on Sep. 21, 2009

  • go to grief conseling. Anger is one of the stages.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:10 AM on Sep. 21, 2009

  • It is her issue. Let her take the time to work it out. Meanwhile enjoy the quiet. That's what I do every time one of mine gets upset with me. I see it as "me" time vacations!

    Answer by admckenzie at 4:16 PM on Sep. 21, 2009

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