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I need to write a letter to biofamily.

The adoption of my stepson is final now! The biofamily have been trying to be very controlling over when they see him and what they want done with him. I want to write them a letter because they don't listen to me when i talk to them on the phone.
These are the problems: they give him medication when I ask them not to, they get him immunizations when I ask them not to, they take him to his biomom's grave when I asked them not to. They have no respect for the fact that I am raising him now and they are risking loosing their visits. His pychologist already told me to end the visits or give them supervised visits. I'm trying not to but, they aren't giving me many choices. My son has a lot of mental problems from his mother, I am trying to help him and they do the opposite of what I ask them. How can I put this into a letter. It was a complete adoption with closed files and records and a new BC.


Asked by matthewscandi at 12:38 PM on Sep. 19, 2009 in Adoption

Level 26 (27,814 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (28)
  • OP-did you read my suggestion? I am an adoptive mother, and I did answer you. You responded to several tirades, but did you miss my reply?

    I also don't know why people are assuming that he "wanted" to see a grave. I mourn my grandfather, but I don't go to his grave. He isn't there. Also, it doesn't seem that the OP is disregarding the mother, she is not alive to address. It is the family of this person who is continuing to inflict hurt feelings on this child. Does this child not have any rights? Since he is adopted, are we to elevate the deceased mother that has not been in his life? Again, it is realized by most that LATER he will most like want to know of his birth mother, but we are in the "here & now" dealing with a 5 y/o child who has no defense against these people, except his adoptive mother, the person who is taking care of him now while his father is overseas. Not every situation is cut and dry, IMO.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 2:01 PM on Sep. 20, 2009

  • Just wondering how its possible for them to get him immunizations wtihout a parent present?

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:41 PM on Sep. 19, 2009

  • I could be wrong but it would seem the medication and vax issues are a legal issue.Isn't against the law for someone to have a child medicated without written permission from parent or legal guardian?This would be the same as my closest friend or one of my SIL's doing this against my wishes to my children...loving them doesn't give rights.Know you are working hard on a good relationship but supervised visits may have to be the answer to protect your child.Good Luck


    Answer by drfink at 1:05 PM on Sep. 19, 2009

  • I would listen to his psychologist. It seems to me prolonging this behavior from them will only make things worse for him. Supervised visits would be the way to go unless they need that taken away too. Honestly this is about his needs not their needs, and they've already proven they can't give him what his mother thinks is best for him. YOU ARE HIS MOTHER NOW! Doctors aren't always right but this psychologist obviously see's a problem.... As do you! Since you already agree listen to his advice for what is best for the child

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:07 PM on Sep. 19, 2009

  • You need to explain to them that you are now his mother and that you are only looking out for the welfare of him. Tell them what your rules are and that if they can not comply with them then they will no longer be welcomed in his life. Then stick to it (that's the hard part). I would also have his pychologist write a letter explaining the damage being done by their actions and attach a copy. Sounds like supervised visits are in order it will let them still see him but will also let them know that you mean business. I wish you the best of luck and stick to your guns.

    Answer by fan-tammyo at 1:12 PM on Sep. 19, 2009

  • About the shots they take him to the health dept and they say their gparents and the health dept gives the shots, the medication is not prescribed for him, they give him albuterol in a breathing machine. I am trying not to cause a lot of problems because I don't want to upset my son over this because he loves his gparents and they are going to be pissed when I flat out tell them they have to start reqesting visits with 30 days notice and not to waste their time about Christmas because he is not going. The great grandmother is used to her whole family bending to her will and I don't bend for anyone. She thinks things should happen her way on her terms. My kids are mine, I am raising them how I want to and I have told my own mother this a few times.

    Answer by matthewscandi at 1:17 PM on Sep. 19, 2009

  • cont Could your child's therapist help you word the letter so that is only about the child needs? Maybe not even go into the causes of the issues.Perhaps what the issues are,.then what behavior supported the diagnose and then what needs to be in place for the child to be successful in overcoming the issues.General ones not details for your part but detailed as to them.Just an idea.


    Answer by drfink at 1:18 PM on Sep. 19, 2009

  • lol don't mean to make a joke of this but that is my mom too.Kind of like the greatgrandmother also.Sometimes I think my mom has watched too many night time soaps where there is a matriarch that runs every detail of the family and my mom thinks that is her role.I laugh to not get mad


    Answer by drfink at 1:30 PM on Sep. 19, 2009

  • I feel horrible for "your" child.

    I really do.. how sad it is that he lost his mother, and now his extended family... And is possibly now caught in the middle of your ridiculous fight.. with his family.

    Regardless of what your situation is... these "people" are in his family.. no matter what his birth certificate says, or what the state says. My dad left when I was a child, and his extended family doesn't have much to do with me.. but when my mom and stepdad go off about them... it hurts. Regardless of how they treated me, it hurts.

    About the immunizations/medications.. I work in a hospital and it's against the law (in case of an emergant scenario) to give to the child w/o a legal guardian. Unless.. the father gave them permission to.. that's the only way a doctor would prescribe medications or give immuniziation.

    I feel horrible for that family... and for this poor child.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:35 PM on Sep. 19, 2009

  • You just sound freakin' bitter... "They are my kids now, mine."

    That is just freaking unbelievable and selfish.

    "He loves his gparents."

    You are going to cause more problems by trying to exclude his grandparents. You just sound like an awful woman.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:38 PM on Sep. 19, 2009