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How do I handle this?

I recently found out that my husband has been e-mailing and having an "emotional affair" with an ex-fling 5 states away. I found e-mails and pictures of privates between the two of them that dated back to March. I also found out that he has been looking at porn for the past 3 months EVERY DAY. What do I do? I confronted him and he shifts the blame to me...saying I always nag, am too busy..that type of thing. HELP!

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 12:05 AM on Sep. 20, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • Maybe you should try to change alittle bit. I know that it's not really you...but men like to make themselves feel better that way. I don't know how you are with your man...but you still have to step up your game even when your married. Marraige gets boring. You think that they know that you still love them...but they don't sometimes. I hang on my hubby sometime when he's watching tv and just give him little smooches and tell him that I love him...and I smack his ass just about every time he walks by. It's the little flirty things that you can do, that might keep him around. Men need to feel sexy just as much as a woman wants to. Men are way more sexual then try to keep your mind and legs open. I was always told by my mom that if I wont do it for my man....he'll find someone who will. To me, those are the greatest words ever. Good luck

    Answer by GotToHaveFaith at 12:16 AM on Sep. 20, 2009

  • I'd also wonder if perhaps he had a sex husband did...went to a 12 step program and has worked through the issues...they have an S-Anon (for spouses/loved ones)'s worth checking's one thing to have an online affair...but with the porn added...I'm not so sure that any increased sexy stuff would be enough...especially if it is running his brain...

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:21 AM on Sep. 20, 2009


    Answer by Anonymous at 12:24 AM on Sep. 20, 2009

  • Yikes Faith! Good answer, but a wee bit blunt :) Men are complex in a more simple way. BJ are the secret to a good marriage my husband says. Sex-doggy style in the closet while the kids are eating breakfast always helps too. My husband watches porn sometimes to get ideas, and to jack-off :) I personally know i would not be happy (pissed, throwing clothes out on the lawn) about an affair, because that is what it is, cut-and-dry. These are two huge road bumps on the road to having him beside you when you 6 feet under, and matching stones.  I would sincerely suggest going to a counselor to work through this.  The women on this site are awesome with good advice, but this is major stuff.


    Answer by Anonymous at 12:37 AM on Sep. 20, 2009

  • I think you just need to take a deep breath and try and talk to him, try not to yell or get mad as hard as it can be, but yelling will only make things worse, and just ask him what led him to doing what he has been doing. Good luck

    Answer by looovemybabies at 12:40 AM on Sep. 20, 2009

  • Honestly to me that is cheating and I would leave him, but it sounds like you still want to work on things. Go get this book, it's a great read and could really help you. Becoming the Woman of His Dreams by Sharon Jaynes.

    Answer by feesharose at 12:44 AM on Sep. 20, 2009

  • Uh no. Don't change. It's NOT your fault. I freaking hate that - when it's OBVIOUSLY their problem yet they shift blame to make it someone else's fault. If he doesn't think it's his fault, he's not going to stop. And that's the truth.

    Answer by Blubuni99 at 3:11 AM on Sep. 20, 2009

  • to the first answerer - I am not my husband's whore. And the whole
    "so try to keep your mind and legs open" is awful advice. Yes, it's good to keep an open mind - I'm not disputing that but nobody should ever do something they don't want to do to keep their man. I know that isn't specifically what you said to do but to me, it came across that way and it's just pathetic.
    And if a man goes to find it somewhere else because you don't feel like having sex, he never really loved you to begin with. Men don't get excused to cheat because his wife wouldn't have sex with him. That's the lamest, most overused and just plain AWFUL "excuse" I've ever heard and if my husband ever tried to sell me that crap, he'd be out the door, door hitting his ass on the way out. I am equal partners in this marriage and I deserve the safe amount of respect that he gets. That goes for all of us and if you're husband can't manage to return it, leave him.

    Answer by Blubuni99 at 3:17 AM on Sep. 20, 2009

  • I woulda been PISSED!!! Then I woulda thought of all the mean things I could do to hurt him (burn his favorite things, throw stuff away). Then I would cry. Then confront him. Um, excuse me but DO I HAVE FUCK ME OVER written all over my face. No, I don't think so. I don't feel respected and if I find out that you are continuing this shit (cause that's what it is), then you'd better get an atty cuz I am going to make your life a living hell!!

    Then I woulda cried, and cried, and cried, and cried.

    Answer by Vero0724 at 3:39 AM on Sep. 20, 2009

  • You girls are amazing...I am new to this site and just from the 9 answers I received, I feel better. I am torn with it. We have been together for 6 years, have 2 kids (ages 3 and almost 2) and have grown tremendously. Last night he said the reason he did it was because before we got married, I kissed another man at a bar (drunken obviously). That was his way of getting back at me. We've signed up for counseling and start this week because I know we still want to be together. HOWEVER....I don't feel it's okay to "get back at each other" for our mistakes, if he continually brings up the past, neither of us can move on from it...every time we argue - he brings up the night I kissed that guy. IT'S INSANE! He comes from a very rough home life - mom has been married 5 times, all 4 siblings have different dads, that sort of thing. I go back and forth daily between staying with him and leaving.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:21 AM on Sep. 20, 2009

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