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Is there a response to this?

Background info:
I have a friend, well not close, but one I've known for over 11 years. We only chat now via text/e-mails because we live in different places and are at different places in our lives. I have four kids and been married almost 10 years, she's thinking of marrying a person she and I have known for 11 years and considering on having kids. She has always been the party gal that thinks of her looks and herself a lot (mean that in no bad way just who she is), and I haven't.

So, I don’t know if it’s just me taking her the wrong way, please let me know. She has been talking about having a kid right after she gets married. She wants a surrogate because she doesn't want to gain weight from having a baby and has a daycare on collage campus picked out for it as soon as it’s born. She’s talked of getting nannies to come in and watch the baby, they have barely money for the two of them.


Asked by Knightquester at 3:53 PM on Sep. 22, 2009 in Relationships

Level 5 (81 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • I don't think you should just fade away - I think you ought to say something. You obviously disagree with her choice to use a surrogate and to dump her newborn in daycare, so speak up! I'm sure you can think of a way to phrase it in such a way as to convey the enormity of the task of motherhood and that children are not accessories. She must see them as some sort of notch on the belt of life, which is super selfish. Tell her how you feel and then let her fade out of YOUR life. At least you'll know that you conveyed your message to her and that it's up to her to deal with it.

    Answer by jacobsmom707 at 4:42 PM on Sep. 22, 2009

  • Continued:
    I’ll be honest I consider this her life her problem, but it’s like nails on chalk board to hear her talk that I’ve distanced myself from her. Should I not say anything if she talks like this or if I say something what? I have only asked her once if she is sure she really wants a kids, she said she loves kids and she’s sure, I said loving and caring for are two different things, and she said she knows. I left it at that.

    Answer by Knightquester at 3:54 PM on Sep. 22, 2009

  • She's a vain person and I wonder what her SO thinks of having a surrogate? She wants kids for the wrong reasons too. She's actually gonna miss out on what being a mother is all about, not carrying and having nannies around the clock, but you can't change her mind you can only tell her how you feel. Maybe she should adopt!

    Answer by MommaRox4683 at 3:58 PM on Sep. 22, 2009

  • I have a few friends Ive had to drift from because their views are so differnt from mine. She may change after holding the baby but if not, I would encourage you to just fade out a little so you dont have to listen to it all th time.

    Answer by ria7 at 3:58 PM on Sep. 22, 2009

  • Sounds to me like she hasn't looked at the cost of surregates at all... or daycare/nannies.

    But, truly: what do you find admirable about this woman? Why do you want to spend any time or energy with her?

    If the answer is 'nothing' or 'I don't' you need to release her back to the great big sea of 6billion strangers, and do something more constructive and rewarding with your energy than worrying about some anonymous weirdo's odd life plans.

    I think your buddy is in for some life-altering surprises. She may not be willing to accept them, which will make her, if anything, weirder than she already is. Which is fine. People are weird, there are no exceptions. The people who think they aren't weird are much weirder than the people who know they are.

    Answer by LindaClement at 4:13 PM on Sep. 22, 2009

  • Her hubby is just like her, he is all for nannies and surrogacy and they have priced surrogates together. They think when they graduate they'll be wealthy and able to afford nannies, which I'm not saying they won't.

    I agree with you LindaClement, I should just let her go. To be honest she keeps tracking me down, I have avoided her like a plague and have not seen her in over ten years for the reason of how she is. She used to date random people online she met then complain they weren't hansom enough for her or they all of a sudden dumped her and she couldn't figure out why. I have been able to shake her a few times but I think I just need to tell her I'm busy and not respond to her texts/e-mail messages. She really does need to be released from my life, I rarely spend energy on thinking of somebody but was wondering if I shouldn't say "please don't breed" to her, I give her a word or two reply of yes/no/ok most times.

    Answer by Knightquester at 4:27 PM on Sep. 22, 2009

  • Hmmmm......... being a good mom requires a lot of selfless behavior......This girl doesn't sound selfless in the least. I could understand if there was some reason she couldn't carry a baby, or if she chose to adopt because there are so many children out there needing homes, but to not get pregnant because you don't want to gain the weight?!??! No, I don't personally believe someone is ready to be a mother if they seriously believe this. On the other hand I don't know how to tell you to get rid of her aside from just ignoring her. Then again, maybe she needs a wake up call from you and you can tell her your honest opinions about things. Chances are she'll never be able to afford to do what she's talking about anyways. It sounds as if she looks at children as more of pets.

    Answer by WindyTheWidow at 4:40 PM on Sep. 22, 2009

  • Thank you for your suggestions all. I think I will do a couple things in this situation, when the next occasion arises rather than keeping my mouth zipped and ignoring I will be honest and give her a full response as to what I think of how hard life is raising children… children’s needs over parents always type thing.

    I will also start ignoring rather than reading and feeling compelled to respond in any fashion. It is not my place to set standards for this or any person. She isn't a child of mine, nor close to me; she’s been coming to me for years with troubles she's created through lack of commonsense and I have just not bothered brushing her off or saying much. I feel if she wishes to live a life as this, fine, but I don't wish to be witness any further, not nice but I feel I'm a pointless observer.

    Answer by Knightquester at 4:39 PM on Sep. 23, 2009