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Deceased reunion

Hubbies homecoming is coming up at the college that he and his deceased wife went to. He wanted me to go but told me that when we got there that I was going to have to accept the idea that he was going to get drunk. Then he wants to take me to show me where he and his other wife carved their signatures in a tree, the chapel they went to, and hang out with her friends. I am not up for that and told him to take his oldest daughter as she wants to go and see where her mother graduated college, etc. I think he got mad because I would not go and that would make him be a responsible adult there since the oldest would be there. Am I wrong???I think he is still stuck on his wife. I want him to always remeber her but he does need to move on and I hope that him going up there would help.

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:59 PM on Sep. 22, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • I agree with you. He should take his daughter (hopefully not get drunk) and enjoy the time with her. Let her go see where her parents went to college together and meet old friends. I think he is asking way too much of you.

    Answer by FL2AK at 10:23 PM on Sep. 22, 2009

  • I agree that it would be nice for him to take his dd. But, maybe it would help if you look at it this way, he loves YOU enough that he's wanting to open up to you and show you this part of his past youth, to show you things of significance to him that helped shape him into the man that he is now, the man that loves you and that you love.

    That he's wanting to share these things with you probably means to him that he loves you so much that he doesn't want any part of his life to be closed off from you - even the bittersweet parts from his past. If he DIDN'T want to take you would be more of a red flag to me, that would say that he's still "more in love" with his dead wife than with you - this says that he loves you so much, and is so secure in his relationship with you, that he feels that he can trust this part of his inner self to you.


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 10:57 PM on Sep. 22, 2009

  • cont

    I know it would be VERY hard to do, but if you could find it in you to go with him, and be gracious and loving and understanding about it (to a certain extent of course), I think you would find that at the end of it, he's going to walk away from it thinking how wonderfully lucky and blessed he has been, to have TWO wonderful, loving women in his life - and you're the one alive and with him to get the benefit of that feeling.

    Maybe go with him and when he shows you the tree, say something along the lines of how sweet it is, and how precious young love is, and how lucky she was to have been able to know him during that time. When you go to the chapel, say something along the lines of how glad you were that he had God in his life, because you know that his faith helped him through losing her, so that he was open to the love you have for him.


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:01 PM on Sep. 22, 2009

  • cont

    When he wants to hang out with her friends, go, be gracious to them. If they start in on how she was such a saint and you're sloppy seconds or anything like that - then say something along the lines of "I'm sure she was a wonderful woman, and I'm sure that if I had been lucky enough to have known her, we would have been great friends, and all of our lives would have been different. But things didn't turn out that way, and I'm sure, from all that I've heard about her, she wouldn't begrudge __ (dh's name) or I the happiness and love we've found together."

    Believe me, if you can go and spend this time with him like this, and do it with sincerity, he's going to walk away from it feeling so much love for you and gratitude for your understanding, it's going to be a blessing in your marriage :-)

    gl - I know it's going to be hard no matter what you decide.

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:04 PM on Sep. 22, 2009

  • You marry a person...and unfortunately their baggage...that is why people are husband and wife...they are partners....don't be jealous or stupid....think of how hard something like that will be for him....if I were you I would stand by matter how insecure I felt just to make sure he had someone to lean on if it is needed...that is not his daughters job!

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:09 AM on Sep. 23, 2009

  • I understand and I was until he said he was going to leave me and go get drunk....I am not jealous and I was going to go with him until he started this drinking part. He has been having problems drinking for the past 4 years....I really do want to share everything with him ;-)

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:44 PM on Sep. 23, 2009

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