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Out of Control 16 year old son? Not sure what to do about him at my whits end?

Ok my 16 year old son is the oldest of 3 and well he just seems to be going down hill and fast. He has failed the 9th grade Twice he has no motive for school what so ever. He has a one year old son (He is a great dad and he works two jobs to provide for his son and his girlfriend.) and we have found a massive amount of porn on his laptop and porn magazines and DVDs. He has called us three times before to come and get him because he was drunk and there was no designated driver. He is very very aggressive and he has a very bad temper. My husband and i are at our whits end here we do not know what to do anymore. I feel like i have failed my son and as a parent i am not sure what to do anymore help. Advice?

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Asked by Anonymous at 1:02 AM on Sep. 23, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (12)
  • Disclaimer that I don't have a teen yet but it sounds to me like he has a lot on his plate for his age and it could be stress that he doesn't know how to deal with. If he's raising a child and trying to work and do school, he may feel defeated that he cannot juggle all three at his age, he doesn't have the tools to know how. I think it's amazing that he works to pay for his child and even more amazing he calls you when he's drunk. Good for you for sending that safety message. Maybe try sitting him down (you probably have) and ask him not about his bad behavior but what you can do to try to help him through this tough time in his life? I think you sound like good, concerned parents. Sometimes you can't get through to teens. I was a rotten one and remember well my bad behavior. I had trouble with friends, several car accidents, a trauma and on it goes. Chances are, something is going on in his life and he needs help coping.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:10 AM on Sep. 23, 2009

  • i think you should just sit down with him and tell him you think he might have a whole lot right now,tell him how proud you are of what a great dad he is,ask him if it would help him at all to be put in homeschool, so he doesnt have so much stress,then ask him if theres anything you can do as a parent to make things easier,take him to church and start spending more time with him so he understands you guys really care.

    Answer by BUSYLOVINGHIM at 1:19 AM on Sep. 23, 2009

  • I agree with anon.
    It sounds like he could use some help. Maybe he should try going to school online where he can do things at his own pace. Contact CPS and ask what kind of services they county offers for teenage parents. They might be able to get him free childcare or a free study program/tutor. Or any number of other services.
    And they only reason why i suggest CPS is because they have changed their name (at least in my state) to CFS child and family services. ...If they can't help they will try to find some place that will! good luck!

    Answer by outstandingLove at 1:21 AM on Sep. 23, 2009

  • I am by no means an expert but I was a teen parent and now have two teenage daughters. Being a teen parent is so hard. I agree with the others that have commented and would like to add that when you talk to him, ask him what he wants from life. What are his goals? Right now he may be feeling trapped that this is all his life will be. If he knows what he wants he can find ways to work towards it. Does he want a certain career, to marry his girlfriend and be a family, to graduate and go to a specific college? If he can make a plan to reach his goals he may start to feel in control of his life instead of just being pulled along by his life.
    Comliment him on trying to be responible. Let him know you see how hard he is trying. But, let him know that as parents you can't allow some of his behavior to continue. Relate to him as a parent. He cant let his child do something to hurt his/herself, neither can you. Good luck.

    Answer by coltsmom45 at 7:16 AM on Sep. 23, 2009

  • First, you should pat yourself on the back that he is trying to act responsibly to his baby and around drunk friends. Now, get to work (parenting is work): the boy needs a plan. You need to help him literally write down what he wants and how he will get there (each day, each hour if necessary). He is agressive because he is frustrated and 16. Anger gets you nowhere. He is looking at porn since is is available and he is 16 (hormones). Explain that sex is great but has its place. Drunk friends are a huge red flag. Why is he wasting time with them? They are a dead end. Show him that his choices take him down a path. If he doesnt like where he is, then take a different path. I have 2 teenage boys, it takes constant attention: you cannot slack off yourself for a moment.

    Answer by Endless_love at 8:05 AM on Sep. 23, 2009

  • Ok I know this is not going to be a popular answer but not everyone graduates from high school, some kids just cannot do it. My stepbrother was the only person I have ever encouraged to drop out and get his GED because he just could not pull it together and go to school. I generally hope teens will stay in school, but if he has failed the 9th grade twice and is already working to take care of a family, maybe a GED is the best option for your son. He is being responsible by calling you when he is drunk and there is no designated driver, so look at the positive side of that. Also porn is very normal for teen boys. Just talk to him, tell him how proud you are that he is responsible, and then go over the rules about drinking and porn and school.

    Answer by goaliemom93 at 10:06 AM on Sep. 23, 2009

  • Please get him counselling and aside from everything else thank the Lord that he is a good father and is actually responsible enough to call when he's drunk. I in NO WAY condone the drinking but he does earn a point for actually calling. He is obviously stressed and has made a serious of poor decisions. He probably is too tired to concentrate on schoolwork with the two jobs. Is it possible to offer him any further assistance if he quits one of the jobs and the drinking and focuses on schoolwork and goes to counselling. If this were my son and I had the financial means to do so I would tell him if he quits his jobs, gets good grades, goes to counselling and stops the partying and drinking that I would provide finacially for him and his child. JMO. He sounds like my late husband in his youth minus the child.

    Answer by WindyTheWidow at 11:28 AM on Sep. 23, 2009

  • virgo67

    Answer by virgo67 at 2:22 PM on Sep. 23, 2009

  • Please get into counseling as a family. He needs the support of his family at this time. He is probably drinking to escape the problems in his life. At least he isn't driving drunk! However the behavior must stop....And, don't take the porn addiction lightly. It's very addictive. As a parent you can call the shots. I would never allow a minor living in my home to have that material in my home, let alone an adult child. I am not being judgmental, just explaining that it's your house and he needs to abide by your rules. Good luck.

    Answer by poohbear04433 at 3:24 PM on Sep. 23, 2009

  • Holy cow that is a lot for 16. Hang in there!

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:19 PM on Sep. 23, 2009

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