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How do you move on after been cheated on, when you know you havent heard all the details.

My DH cheated and lied to me about it after I found out. It took him a whole month to even admit that he had been talking to another girl and another 2 weeks to admit that they kissed and made out at a parking lot. I still feel like I am being lied to. I feel like if he took him that long to even admit the affair, there must be other things that he hasnt told me.

We have agreed to work on our marriage and try counselling but we cant afford it right now. We are on the waiting list at the church right now. But on the meantime, how do I move on and work on our marriage when I feel like there is this elephant in the room that everyones ignoring. I have a deep seated feeling that there was more to the affair than making out one time at a parking lot. I have a feeling that they did more than that. I cant move on for real until I know ALL the truth. This is really hurting our marriage because one minute I'm happy contd

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:40 AM on Sep. 26, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • Telling you more would serve no purpose other than hurting you more imo. He strayed. He admitted that and that is the issue. Details are not important. He's remorseful. That takes the marriage in a positive direction. You are the only one holding the relationship in a holding pattern. You cannot move on from here without being willing to forgive the incident. I repeat that details are not important unless the goal is to harm further. Accept what you do know and go from there. Wasting energy wanting details is giving the OW power and control over your life. Do you want that? She came into your life once and you are keeping her there and between you and dh. How long she is there now is up to you. Personally I don't think allowing her to control your marriage now is what you really want. The more you think about her and what may have happened means she wins. Don't let her win again. Move on and get the marriage better
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:53 PM on Sep. 26, 2009

  • And the next minute I'm not. There are so many things that trigger the feelings of hurt and depression and then its a downward spiral from there. I know that I might never know ALL the details but its so hard to reconcile that and move on and be truly happy consistently. Any adivce?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:42 AM on Sep. 26, 2009

  • you need to rebuild the trust and respect back into the relationship... it takes time and eventually you really don't even want to know you just let it go but respect and trust mmmmm could take yrs but it is overcomeable especially if he is truelly sorry. alsosome time apart may be much needed...when jack cheated on e my boys were 4mo we went to my moms for 6mo till i felt i waswilling to look pat becauseHE trully wanted and needed us. it'sbeen a yra and i trust he won't betray me like that again, good luck
    mirit.rose

    Answer by mirit.rose at 2:04 AM on Sep. 26, 2009

  • PM me, I know of a free newsletter that is all about that, its with a man named Dr. Huizanga.
    NightOwlMama

    Answer by NightOwlMama at 3:57 AM on Sep. 26, 2009

  • You need to ask yourself the real question. Do you really want to know what happened? Do you want to know all the details? You know that something happened, and work from there. Figure out why it happened, and what you both can work on to fix it. If you're not ready to really talk about it yet, then maybe you should just get away for awhile. If you can't go to your mothers for 6 months, maybe you could just take a weekend alone or with the girls. Take some time for yourself and just think of everything you want to say to him. What you want to know. How you think it can be fix. What you want. If you feel that you want to know everything, ask him one last time, and work from there. I wish you the best of luck.
    Payan04

    Answer by Payan04 at 4:08 AM on Sep. 26, 2009

  • Ive been thru this. Its hard. The first thing you have to do is get yourself in order..meaning, put yourself first, address how you feel and really find out how this makes you feel in the long run. What are your fears? What are your desires? What are your angers? The answers may seem obvious, but they are not. After I looked in the mirror and examined what I was really feeling, the true answers came: (1) I didn't like being taken advantage of (2) just wanting to be desired period-i wanted more sex, (3) that this was not about me, but he put me in this situation.

    Once I could think with confidence and put myself 1st, our conversations become more mature and productive. We didn't have counseling but we take each day as it comes. The best thing I took from this was that I didn't fear being alone. I'm a catch and if he sees that great, if not, well that is his problem - but not mine.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:16 AM on Sep. 26, 2009

  • One more thing: women often see this as a matter of: why did he do this to me? I thought that way as well....but I realized too soon that it only put me as a victim who was powerless. Indirectly, it also made me feel like something was wrong with me. Because I felt this way, I acted this way. Not good.

    Truth is, this was all about him...it had nothing to do with me or how I was as a woman. I refused to allow his decision to cheat to be a statement of how desirable I was, how worthy of love I was or what a catch I was. I needed to put myself first in order to truly speak what was on my mind and determine what I want.

    You are worthy, you are beautiful...but you need that validation from yourself and not rely on it from your husband. It will just make it harder to get through this.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:20 AM on Sep. 26, 2009

  • It will never go away. I too wanted to know EVERY lil painful detail.. It didn't help. What he has done I'd typical, it's called Trickle Truth, he'll give you a lil at a time, but that's it. I fully believe if he's fully remorseful and willing to try you have a fighting chance.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:14 PM on Sep. 26, 2009

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