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are you happy with your adoption? (for a-moms and b-moms)

Most of what I see on this part of the site is amoms pitted against bmoms, and vice versa. A lot of the moms who answer seem to have an intense dislike against one part or another of the adoptive community. I think most of this stems from moms who are unhappy with their adoption, whether they are amoms or bmoms.

So how many of you are happy with the adoption arrangement you had?

I know personally, I am very happy with my adoption. I have an open adoption and close relationship with my DDs a-mom and the rest of the family. My first born knows that my second born is her "special sister." My amom jokingly refers to me as her baby mama, and that is what I call her also :~) We also frequently discuss "our daughter" and are able to express our wants and desires in the relationship we have. I wish all adoptive families had what I have.

BTW my first born DD is 7 years old, and has been with this family since the age of 8 mos.

 
epoh

Asked by epoh at 11:42 AM on Sep. 26, 2009 in Adoption

Level 6 (146 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (31)
  • The circumstances that existed for each of us at the time of our children's adoption, our personalities, whether or not an adoption was closed or open, how we we were treated throughout the adoption process, what happened in our lives after the adoption, whether or not promises made were kept and many other factors affect how each of us view adoption. If we relied on faulty information before deciding on adoption or if coercion was involved, it is difficult to overlook such major factors and feel "happy" with the details of our particular adoption.

    For some moms who are rejected at reunion, or find children who were abused or mistreated, it is unrealistic to expect them to feel happy about the adoption. Closed adoptions rarely produce "happy" situations either.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 12:11 AM on Sep. 28, 2009

  • Epoh, I am so happy that you and your childs MOM, has been able to survive this journey...in becoming united for your daughter, this truly is what any parent wishhes for. I have absolutely no ANGER, or ill feelings, towards my twins parents. How can I, in knowing from what I have learned...they have had an incredible life...so I thank GOD , for their ability to raise my sons, in the capacity they have. AS you are aware though...EACH persons journey is different, and cause differing results. I truly do not think that any of us truly "dislike" the other parents...no matter whether it is First Moms, or Moms...period. I feel where the issues that come into play, is where SOME of us, portray ADOPTION in general, in a certain light...depending on our INDIVIDUAL experience, and the other party...just hasn't the same opinion, because they did not experience it in the same way..make sense????? Blessings, C.J.
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 12:02 PM on Sep. 26, 2009

  • I am happy with the adoption arrangement we have. My birthson is almost 9. His adoption has been open since birth.
    VanessaV

    Answer by VanessaV at 2:07 PM on Sep. 26, 2009

  • I also have a really good relationship with my sons adoptive family. I love them all, and amom and I often discuss "our son". My avatar is amom, me, and our son celebrating his 21st. I'm one of the lucky ones, and it sounds like you are too. But, I know far too many that have had heartbreaking experiences due to adoption, and far too many. And for that reason I am pro-adoption reform.


    I actually don't see it as amoms Vs bmoms because there are plenty who see eye-to-eye. I see it as people who like the adoption industry status quo, and those that want reform.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 2:40 PM on Sep. 26, 2009

  • "Happy with adoption" is not a concept that resonates with me. Have I made my peace with it? Yes, mostly I have, but my son just turned 40. Am I bitter because things turned out badly? No, I too consider myself one of the more fortunate moms from the BSE. My son and I are reunited and after 8 years in reunion are still in touch with each. Plus, my son was fortunate that his adoptive mom did a good job of raising him (his aparents divorced, twice each) and giving him a happy childhood. She and I have mutual respect and a good relationship.

    Since I buried everything for years, I was not suffering as much as many birth/natural moms that I know who thought about their relinquished children often. At reunion, I paid for all those years of buried emotions, and those first two years of reunion were equal amounts of torture and pain, and joy and excitement.

    Happy? I am happy, but not happy with adoption...mine or others.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 2:59 PM on Sep. 26, 2009

  • If your child was adopted at 8 months, your adoption situation was likely very different from most. I wonder how much that influences how you feel about adoption? If your rights were terminated or you voluntarily relinquished them because you felt certain you could not parent well, I can understand how you might be "happier" with your adoption than many of us.

    I completely understand how someone can be happy inspite of having placed a child for adoption. And, I can also understand how someone can feel at peace with their situation, resigned to it and accepting. But, happy? No, I cannot grasp the idea that someone is "happy with adoption" given their loss.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 3:06 PM on Sep. 26, 2009

  • My DD was placed for adoption at birth. The first family she was with was found to be unfit after 7 1/2 mos. She spend 3 weeks in foster care, while I fought to regain custody. In order to do so, I would have had to basically adopt my own child, as I had already signed over my rights. I decided to find her a family to get her out of foster care, instead of fighting for months to get my parental rights backs. I was 18 at the time.

    I placed her for adoption voluntarily. Her father was not in the picture, and at that point in my life I could not have done it myself.

    It just makes me sad to see so many moms on here who are unhappy. I know everyone's situations are different, but some of the posts on here are just full of resentment and bitterness.

    And no, southernroots, I AM happy, not just resigned. My DD has the best life I could ask for her. And I am still part of it.
    epoh

    Answer by epoh at 3:20 PM on Sep. 26, 2009

  • Thinking about this, I wish the agency would have made contact with any of the parties of my adoption, either of my Moms, or myself, to inquire how it all turned out and if it was happy. I'm sure they would have got an earfull from anyone of the three of us.

    You'd think they'd attempt to do this to show customer satisfaction, huh?
    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 3:26 PM on Sep. 26, 2009

  • I am so blessed by adoption!! My son is my heart. I am so thankful that his birthmom is still a part of our lives. We still email one another, and I send pictures and updates. There is and will always be a special bond with us. From the start we had no idea what to expect, but we grew to know one another. We respected each other feelings, always have and always will.
    Kellyjude1

    Answer by Kellyjude1 at 3:51 PM on Sep. 26, 2009

  • For me to get to an honest answer of "happy" I have to consider and separate the "decision to give up my rights" - which is where my unhappiness lies from the "decisions I made post-adoption":

    So am I happy with how things have played out AFTER my decision to relinquish? Yes, I too believe that I am part of the minority of birth moms from the early 1990's who are lucky.

    I'm hopeful that we will see an increase in satisfaction rates with post-adoptive relationships the farther we get from the closed adoption era. But, in all reality finding satisfaction in relationships isn't a formulaic equation - when people are involved you are dealing with a whole variety of personalities.

    I think I've said this before but, most often the decisions to bind yourself to another involve a much greater exploration of personality compatibility than adoption allows. In most adoption matching we are talking about mere months.
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 4:23 PM on Sep. 26, 2009

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