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My husband says I am jealous of my stepkids....

I am a stepmom to a 4 and 7 year old and my husband and I have a 19 month old and one on the way. I think he tries to overcompensate for leaving his kids by giving them special treatment and attention when they are with us... he says I am just jealous. Help?! This caused a huge fight today and I am really struggling. I care about them but dont love them like I do my son .. I wanted to take professional family pictures with me, my husband and my son but my husband refused saying we cant leave his kids out. I am caught between feeling resentment towards them because I also want to do things with just my kids.. Any advice from stepmoms or moms with experience!! thanks!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:31 AM on Sep. 27, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (16)
  • My fiance would have said the same thing that your husband said to you..

    I think that it is ok to get a picture of ALL of you and a picture of your hubby and the children you
    have with him..

    You need to remember that his kids are his family and now with you his family has grown bigger.
    Dannee

    Answer by Dannee at 12:39 AM on Sep. 27, 2009

  • This is really something that needed to be carefully considered before you even got married. He is right. In his eyes, his family consists of his and yours. It's simply not right to leave his out. With that kind of attitude you are defining family lines... that's not a good thing. Of course, he loves his kids as much as you love yours, but you must all love them equally or it simply won't work out.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:40 AM on Sep. 27, 2009

  • mom your gonna hate me,but he is great for not wanting to leave them out,he should make up to them for leaving them,ill tell you why, i come from a broken home and you have no idea the hurt a child goes thru just with a divorce,he sounds so great and it actually should make you happy because he will be great to your kids too,you knew he had kids before you had a child with him,so he actually never desived you about it and with him comes those kids,i say get close to them and love them with all your heart,undersatnd that those kids need a dad as much as your kids do,they are not any less important than your kids you have to see the reality of this,good luck mom :)
    BUSYLOVINGHIM

    Answer by BUSYLOVINGHIM at 12:42 AM on Sep. 27, 2009

  • You have to show him that you are willing to be one big happy family. Perhaps if you take a set of pictures with all of the children then he would be willing to do another set with just your children. I have taken pictures of my stepchildren but I take a lot more of my own children. It's not really intentional. It's just easier to get the little ones dressed for pictures than it is to get the teens dolled up.
    always_chris

    Answer by always_chris at 12:43 AM on Sep. 27, 2009

  • To him, his family isn't complete without ALL of his children. You married a man who already had children. The fact that he's such a loving father to his children means he'll be the same to yours. My oldest son is mine from a previous marriage. My husband & I have been married for 21 years. He's never treated my son any differently than the two boys we have together, & to be honest, I don't know if I could love him the same way if he did. My oldest son considers my husband his father. (And yes, he had a relationship with his bio dad) My husband would never consider leaving my son out of a family picture. He never says I have 2 sons & a stepson, he just has 3 sons. We are a family. If you want your marriage to be as strong & loving as it can, you need to find it in your heart to make those children part of your family. You can make a difference in their life, & your husband will love you for it. I know I love my husband for it
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 12:46 AM on Sep. 27, 2009

  • Wow. I agree with your husnad. The family is not complete without all the children. We have yet to take a family picture because my brother is in Texas. Our family is not complete with just two kids. My mom would NEVER think of getting pictures of me, her, and my stepdad. His kids are just as much her kids. You have to start realizing you married a man with children and they are JUST AS IMPORTANT as the kid you have together. This is coming from a stepchild, so when I say this, I have more than 7 years experience. I would NEVER try to act like I am more important in my mom's life, she doesn't just have one kid anymore,she is the mother of 4.
    OneToughMami

    Answer by OneToughMami at 12:55 AM on Sep. 27, 2009

  • I agree with all previous posters. You married him knowing he had children, you are their stepMother now, so you really should treat them the same exact way you treat yours. if you try to play favorites it could make the kids not like eachother, it could make your husband resent you. just all sorts of problems. and really I dont see why you wouldnt want them in the FAMILY picture. they are your family now.
    cassie_kellison

    Answer by cassie_kellison at 1:56 AM on Sep. 27, 2009

  • If you want a picture with you three AND he wants one with all Compromise, Get the one with you 3 , Get one with him and the step kids, Get one with all kids together, Then take a Big Family picture :)
    dolphin_gurl85

    Answer by dolphin_gurl85 at 1:59 AM on Sep. 27, 2009

  • I'm not trying to be mean here, but I wouldn't have even suggested a picture of the family without including my stepson in the mix. I treat him exactly as I do my own children. I would be so upset if he ever felt that I didn't love, want or welcome him here. This is his house as much as it is his half-siblings' house. So what if he lives with his birth mom most of the time? I am his mother as well.

    When you married your husband you became a mother. I don't agree with special treatment of any child, step-kid or bio-kid, and I think it should be laid out the rules ALL people in the house should follow. No one should get treated like a princess/prince.

    My father is a stepdad to my five older (half)siblings. We have family pictures of all of us with just him, because he is our father. I also have adopted siblings. My parents never treated anyone differently because of who they were born from.

    Good luck.
    Kenre

    Answer by Kenre at 2:02 AM on Sep. 27, 2009

  • A family picture would not be complete w/out all your children, that includes your step children. My mom remarried when I was 4 (my older brother was 6). Together they had 4 more children, my sibblings. I love the man my mom married more than my bio-father. It would have broke my heart if they had done a family pic w/out my brother and I
    Lynette

    Answer by Lynette at 3:01 AM on Sep. 27, 2009

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