Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

How do I stand up to him?

My boyfriend (yes I said boyfriend because we are not married) is super controlling, and I really hate it. He will tell me something to do and I will just do it knowing in my heart that I should tell him to shut up and do it himself. We have been together for four years and we have a three year old, our relationship never had that get to know you period because I was preggers right off the bat and we moved in together. It just makes me feel so defeated when he barks out an order and I have to do it or else he will yell that I am lazy. Right now I dont have a job, I am applying tho but he always plays the card about how he has a job and is tired and I sit at home all day with our son, so I should do more. When we first got together I had a job and he didnt then my parents made him get a job but he got hurt and went on disability and I supported him for like a year. I just dont know what to do, I dont want to do this anymore.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:00 AM on Sep. 27, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • OP-
    Actually I should say that I dont want to feel like this anymore. I just need to be able to stand up to him and speak my mind, I just dont know how.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:01 AM on Sep. 27, 2009

  • There is an expression that says nobody can use you as a doormat if you don't lay down.

    As long as you aren't afraid that he's going to hurt you, then you need to stand up for yourself more. Though I have to be honest and say that I don't see what your relationship has going for it from what you described. He takes advantage of you, he bullies you, he controls you, he makes you feel bad about yourself, and it sounds like he's emotionally abusive.

    So, what's the up side of this relationship? If there's something there to salvage - and you're the one who has to decide that - tell him that you aren't happy, and you would like to work on it with him, probably with the help of a counselor. If he won't, or if he's not willing to work on making your relationship better, you need to decide how much your willing to put up with.

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 10:10 AM on Sep. 27, 2009

  • cont

    As far as how, you do know how - you just get up and do it. It's going to be hard, but keep in mind, this isn't just about you and him.

    Do you want your child growing up thinking that this is normal and acceptable in a relationship? Do you want your son to grow up thinking this is how you should treat a woman? Or, if you stay together and have another kid (say, a daughter), do you want her to grow up thinking it's ok to be treated this way?

    Only you can evaluate how much of this you're willing to take, but, honestly (and I REALLY DO NOT mean any of this in a mean way), but as long as you put up with it, then, frankly, he's going to keep doing it.
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 10:13 AM on Sep. 27, 2009

  • You've been together for 4 years and you still aren't comfortable enough with him to be yourself and let him know what you really think!?!?!?!?!? Just be yourself, say what's on your mind if it hurts his little feelings oh well, I wouldn't be controlled and have my feelings hurt all the time!
    MommaRox4683

    Answer by MommaRox4683 at 10:13 AM on Sep. 27, 2009

  • Get him into counseling for his controll issues. He dosnt sound like a good match for you if it's so bad you have to seek advice from stranger about what to do. In your heart of hearts you should listen to what it tells you to do, as your heart never lies to you. How long do you think it will be before he starts to hit you for not jumping to his every command?
    vbruno

    Answer by vbruno at 10:19 AM on Sep. 27, 2009

  • OP-
    I know. Its kinda like I could break it off and we could go through a nasty break up, and I know he wouldn't make it pretty. Or we could keep things the way they are. He grew up without a dad so I can see how he never learned how to treat a woman. I also know he is stressed out cuz I am having a hard time finding a job and he cant have the things that we wants because we have very limited funds. But I also know that these are still not reasons to treat me like shit, and if my dad found out then he would probably beat the shit out of him. I just dont want drama and I want everything to be peaceful
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:20 AM on Sep. 27, 2009

  • There's another saying - Peace at all costs is a price too high to pay.

    I think you know what you need to do. I know you wish that the reality of your situation matched what you wished your situation was, but it doesn't, and no amount of wishing will make it so.

    Yes, he has his reasons for doing this - but honestly, a lot of us have bills, wish we had more money, have work issues, have stress from our kids, etc. Also, a lot of us - men and women - grew up without one parent or another, or with crappy parents. You say they aren't excuses, but, honestly (and again, I don't mean this mean) but it sounds like you ARE making excuses for him, because you allow him to get away with it because of these things.

    So, what, if he loses his job and things get harder, or if he gets hurt again, or etc, is it going to be ok if he hits you, too, b/c he's under pressure?

    Do what you know in your heart you need to do, even if it's hard.
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 10:34 AM on Sep. 27, 2009

  • If he is on disability then they should be paying out for the kids as well. So you could take the money for the kids and move out. You don't have to take his crap.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:27 AM on Sep. 27, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.