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9 + years together but not married ( long)

I need help. I have been with my SO for over 9 years and we have been living together for over 7. We have one 4 year old and are 100% commited to each other. We have a great relationship with just a few arguements here and there. He has some issues and has always claimed we don't need marriage to prove our love and I agreed for the most part but have been waiting for him to pop the question anyway. Both of our brothers got engaged last year and married this summer. They both met their wives less than 3 years ago. I began to feel very hurt that his brothers wife got the family last name before me and is basically a real part of the family and I am not. I started thinking how the law won't acknowledge me as his wife or the public or his family until we have the piece of paper to prove it ( our state doesn't have common law marriage).

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:12 PM on Sep. 28, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • I was with my husband for 5 years before we got married. However it's not like your story because he proposed when we first got together, but I was under 18...when I turned 18 I was pregnant and DID NOT want everyone to think that we got married because we were having a baby (like my mom, his sister, and his brother all did). We finally got married when I was pregnant with our 3rd and became followers of Christ.
    If you haven't already, start going by his last name, and see what you can do about officially changing your last name to his without marraige.
    mammacjjc85

    Answer by mammacjjc85 at 9:49 PM on Sep. 28, 2009

  • started feeling deep in my heart it is time to have that marriage license and have a wedding to celebrate our love and commitment. I told him and had a long talk and asked him to marry me unofficially. He said I cannot ask him because it is the man's job to ask and he needs to think about it. This hurt me because he didn't say anything for a week and then I brought it up and he said to let him do his thing and began to say I " Did not wait because he had plans but I messed it up." I don't believe he was going to propose for a second . I have pressed the issue every 2 or three weeks after nothing happens. It is now a little over 3 months since I asked him and STILL nothing. I don't get it. I am confused beyond belief. He says I should trust him and wait but I have been waithing almost a decade
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:12 PM on Sep. 28, 2009

  • I am starting to doubt the level of commitment he has given me all these years. He says he wants to marry me but I have to wait. I don't want to leave our relationship because I am happy but now I feel it is not as good as I think it is. I am hurting and NOBODY knows how I feel. He certainly doesn't have a clue that I am hurting everyday because I feel rejected or something.

    Please don't say leave him...it is not that easy. He is a good man and a fantastic father. I love him. I just don't know how to cope. I am lost.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:13 PM on Sep. 28, 2009

  • I'll put it to you this way - I proposed to my husband. He accepted within 5 minutes. Nobody needs 3 months to "think it over" he's just hoping if the keeps avoiding the question you'll quit asking.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:17 PM on Sep. 28, 2009

  • I'd give it a mental time frame, like six months--so three more. Maybe he's saving for a ring? If in six months he doesn't pop the question then you need to sit him down and say that it's beginning to be embarrassing and you're a tad resentful.
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 9:26 PM on Sep. 28, 2009

  • Thanks, Jeanclaudia. I did tell him I don't want a ring. I just want to get married next year on our 10th anniversary. I don't need traditions. He knows that.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:30 PM on Sep. 28, 2009

  • Well I think he is not going to marry you anytime soon.It has already been 9 years.Why should he ask you now.I think you should move on.I lived with my husband for 3 years and then he asked me.I knew you feel bad but you should put your foot down a long time ago.You should ve not moved in with him and married him first.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:31 PM on Sep. 28, 2009

  • For pete sake .Let me put it to you plain and simple .It has been 9 years.He has had 9 years to think about it.I do not think he needs anymore time.He probably wants you to stop asking.If a man wants to marry you it will be up to him.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:35 PM on Sep. 28, 2009

  • I just told mine when we were getting married. Who cares about the asking crap? He's getting all the benefits of it now so why ask, just make it official
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:38 PM on Sep. 28, 2009

  • I'm in the exact same situation, except we've only been together 3 years, but heck thats also long enough. I've sat him down and told him in all seriousness that I want to be truely engaged and marrried. I've even relieved him of giving me a ring also. I even offered to just have him write it on a sheet of paper and sign his name. He hasn't even done that. So I actually did what jean said a couple of days ago [setting a mental time frame] but I told him that I've set that time frame, but said I won't reveal to him what it is. And as hard as it will be if that time frame comes and he hasn't asked, then I will do what I have to do and leave him. I know you don't want to leave your man, but you have made a request of him and he refuses to oblige. You have to do whats best for you. If you want to be married, you should be married. If he doesn't want to marry you, then you should not stay with him. (cont)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:41 PM on Sep. 28, 2009

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