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Am I being selfish?

I found out that before my husband left for Iraq (before we were married) that he slept with this girl and she found out she was pregnant. Well she had the baby at like 24 weeks and 2 days later she died. My husband was convenced it wasnt his and she waited 2 months after the baby passed to tell us. Now he is more focused on this girl than his own family.
I dont want him talking to her becuz she causes problems with us. Am I being selfish? I dont know what to do! He said he wasnt talking to her anymore. But I saw where he was sending her messages on yahoo.

Help please!


Asked by sweetheart254 at 1:16 AM on Sep. 29, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (10)
  • gdiamante, I believe this is the first time I've disagreed with you!

    Really, when you decide to forgive for indiscretion then that needs to be the end of it, and the OP decided to forgive. The fact that a pregnancy resulted doesn't change anything. It doesn't mean that he cheated MORE, it just means that it took :p

    I couldln't stay with a man who cheated on me either, but the OP did, and that was her choice. Now her husband is in a world of hurt because he lost a child. If it were me, the queen of grudge holders everywhere, not even I could be bitter enough not to feel horrible at the thought of someone I love losing a child. Even if he was in a crappy apartment across town because like hell I'd still be under the same roof with him. He did her wrong, it's true... but it would be wrong of HER to leave him to deal with this alone, or to be mad at him trying to give comfort to the mother. Forgive or not, you know?

    Answer by Ati_13 at 1:59 AM on Sep. 29, 2009

  • well i honestly dont think your bein selfish. i feel the same way he didnt know and theres a possibility the babies not his. idk if it was me i would feel the same way.

    Answer by shermi08 at 1:22 AM on Sep. 29, 2009

  • No you're not being selfish; you are his wife and if he has problems he needs to come to you with them not the other girl....If that was his baby he needs support but it needs to be from you. you are his wife and should be his best friend. He shouldn't have done what he did, but if he lost a child i would be there for him. And he needs to stop talking to this chick and respect your wishes because obviously you love him if you're still with him.

    Answer by heartfrommyson at 1:24 AM on Sep. 29, 2009

  • Wow that is hard I think that he is filling a lot of gilt over the fact the baby died and that it was his kid I would ride it out for a little while. But this is a hard situation to be in. he should not be paying her more attention than he is the family that he has with you. I wish you the best of luck.

    Answer by kristyleigh614 at 1:25 AM on Sep. 29, 2009

  • He just wont get over the fact that he lost a child. I fear this will tear our family apart. I cant stay in a marriage where he regrets being with me and my daughter. But he talks to this girl every day! He would rather talk to her than me.

    Answer by sweetheart254 at 1:29 AM on Sep. 29, 2009

  • Okay, he was wrong for getting another woman pregnant. Period. But YOU are wrong for not understanding that he's upset about this. Of COURSE he's preoccupied with it! HIS CHILD DIED. He knew it was his or else he wouldn't be so upset about this and preoccupied with this girl. They lost a child together, and they share that guilt and pain. I'm not saying that you should be okay with this. Far from it, you should be furious. But you forgave him for sleeping with that other woman, and now you need to understand that he's going to have a hard time with this. Even if he wasn't sure that the baby was his, he still knew there was a chance, and now he will never know for sure. He's distraught and strung out and his emotions are everywhere.

    You need to be there for him. If you can't do that, then you haven't really forgiven him for cheating int he first place.

    Good luck and brightest blessings!

    Answer by Ati_13 at 1:44 AM on Sep. 29, 2009

  • thanks everyone! Ill give him space to deal with it!

    Answer by sweetheart254 at 1:49 AM on Sep. 29, 2009

  • Selfish? YOU?

    HELL NO.

    You've been far too forgiving. His butt would've been on the curb had I been in your shoes, long before the baby was born. Sorry, he committed the error I wouldn't be able to forgive. We'd have been done the second I learned of the pregnancy.

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:51 AM on Sep. 29, 2009

  • There is a long story behind all this. Him and I seperated end of last year so he can get through his previous marriage. So between December and March he was with this girl. Him and I got back together in March and married in April. I knew nothing about this girl until 3 days after he was in Iraq! So I was blindsided by all of this! My neighbor was close with him and she told me. So i confronted him about it. It was true. So since April we havent talked about it. and now all of this happened. Its really hard to just sit here and say it was ok because we werent together but we had agreed not to be with anyone else. Once his divorce was final we would work it out. In which we did. Until he deployed to Iraq. Then ever since its been a nightmare.
    Thanks for all the advice

    Answer by sweetheart254 at 2:05 AM on Sep. 29, 2009

  • He doesnt want to confide in me at all about any of this and honestly I dont blame him but i would perfer he talked to me about it than her. I just dont know how to feel about all this. Im sad for both of them but he also has a family to take care of here too. We have a young daughter and she doesnt get to talk to him as it is but for him to go and talk to this girl instead of his daughter. I dont know. I do sound selfish and it may be becuz i havent lost a child but he does have a daughter that needs him more than ever. He could at least grive with us.

    Answer by sweetheart254 at 2:11 AM on Sep. 29, 2009

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