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How do you reconcile accepting that your DD wants to date a controlling (very sneaky, at it) boy?

This is an ongoing issue in our house, although since we voiced our opinions and concerns, she hasn't been able to date him. But, when she's 16 and can date, it seems clear that it will be him. She tends to compromise the morals and values we've taught her (be positive, accepting of all races, non-violent, not lazy, conscientious, not overly focused on a boy) in order to be accepted by him. This is very important to her, and she's said she'll do this the right way. I know she needs to make her own mistakes, but what, if anything would make you comfortable allowing your DD to have even the most limited access to dating a creep?
I need some concrete tips on how to both allow and discourage this at the same time...I think I'm going to go nuts!!

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Asked by Anonymous at 11:06 AM on Sep. 30, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (7)
  • WOW, I don't know honestly.... Ya know you might wanna try really sitting down with your DD and talking to her why she feels it is so important to date this boy, what is it about this boy that she likes so much, and ask her for both the pros and cons of this boy to her. Maybe she feels she can change him... the things you say he is, but I would definitely question her reasons why she is so persistent in dating this particular boy. I would also maybe have her talk to other gals or women that have been in relationships with boys like this one, just to get an outside opinion and out look in the results of dating boys like that. Good Luck.

    Answer by TheFriskyKitty at 11:12 AM on Sep. 30, 2009

  • The more you discourage it the more she'll pursue it, let it go and see what happens. Sorry to say, but you will have very limited control. The more you say he's a creep, the more she's gonna try to prove you wrong. Or maybe she'd just like to defiy you. Good Luck. Trust though, my sister and I were taught by our jerk step-father never to date outside our race, and that's exactly what we did all throughout highschool.

    Answer by Rachel24517 at 11:16 AM on Sep. 30, 2009

  • You could always call the local women's shelter and I'm sure they'd be glad to meet her and talk with her about recognizing abuse. Not saying the he would be, but give her the things to look out for so she's more educated on it. Take her to the health clinic and get her educated on stds and pregnancy.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:20 AM on Sep. 30, 2009

  • For a friend of mine, it took her going away to college (where I met her) making friends there, one of whom was Jewish. When her Fiance came to visit, he openly threatened our mutual friend IN HIS OWN HOME. It was a very eye-opening experience for my friend, who had ignored everything her parents had to say about the guy. Try to point out specific instances where this guy is acting out of line and keep watching, he will eventually step out of line.

    Answer by auroura at 11:31 AM on Sep. 30, 2009

  • Sorry but I laid down the law straight up, no dating creeps. The father of my children is an abuser and I refused to stand by and watch them go down that destructive path. I just said "NO". Now if you have given her leeway to believe she can date this guy I'd sit down with her and go over his attributes good and bad. I'd be finding out all I can about the jerk. I'd be contacting other girls he has been with, his school friends to find out about him. I'd leave no stone unturned. I'd even call his mom and tell her he wants to date my dd and what does she think about it? I'd drag everyone I can into it for info. I don't play when it comes to my kids. I just found out a controlling jerk who acts nice to adults was hitting my friend's dd (he is dating). She got on his myspace and found out he's a thief, a con & now an abuser. She stopped her dd from seeing him again. Don't be passive in this. Be active & show him you are watching

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:37 PM on Sep. 30, 2009

  • I've told my kids ANYONE/ANYTHING not supportive of our family is bad news. No bf, church group, school friends, NOBODY should criticize the family unit. It's ok for YOU to say, "I hate my mom's rule about _", & a friend can agree, but it's NOT ok for an outsider of any sort to introduce problems.
    Using reason, why would anyone break down family ties? A bf should be looking at becoming an integrated son in law, a church group should be inviting parent volunteers, friends should expect to interact & be welcomed. If the situation is otherwise, there are red flags flying! In her own mind she has to ask is this boy trying to isolate me? why? Is this group trying to separate me? Maybe it's a cult. Is my friend trying to keep me from telling my parents something? What's the reason for secrets?
    Make sure she understands you're 100% supporting her. Tell her to honestly evaluate the situation. Then welcome him - he'll likely hate it.

    Answer by cutiemoose at 3:33 PM on Sep. 30, 2009

  • I JUST got back from a lunch on the topic of Healthy Relationshiops. It sounds like a bad situation. Just talk to her about what she wants out of a relationship. What she feels would be her definition of a good boyfriend and a bad boyfriend. A controlling boyfriend can be very dangerous. Have an open converstation with her. Hopefully, your talk will show her that maybe this guy is sending out some red flags and there are better guys out there for her.

    Answer by Glowing4Caleb at 2:26 PM on Oct. 1, 2009

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