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Should I stay or should I go?

This has been the worst morning. I found personal ads that my husband of many years had posted. Pictures of himself nude and looking for casual sex. I also found the hidden email account. He swears that he has not met anyone from them and has not done anything with anyone, but I just can't trust him. I don't want to hurt my children but right now I feel like my heart has been ripped out. The pain is unbearable and I am not sure I can forgive him. At the same time I feel that a divorce might destroy my children. I am torn between leaving him or staying for the sake of my children. How can I ever trust him again? How could I cause that much pain to my babies by leaving their daddy? Any advice? Anyone else been through anything similar? How did you deal with the pain? I feel like I am dying. Maybe it is the death of my marriage I am feeling.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 2:36 PM on Sep. 30, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • alot of ppl will say leave but like u said it's not that easy when you have kids that adore their father, that's why i havne't left my dh, but mine hasn't done anything like that... how old are your kids? you think maybe try to ride it our until they are a little older? idk hun *hugs*

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:38 PM on Sep. 30, 2009

  • Only you know what you can take. Many men are addicted to the sexual arousal they get from online attention. I know lots of men who do this and don't let it affect their marriage. It's all about you and what you feel you can deal with.

    Answer by admckenzie at 2:40 PM on Sep. 30, 2009

  • wow! i am very sorry to hear that.. and some men can just be pigs..

    I dont think he wants to be married if he is looking for relationships/casual sex. I believe "women are treated the way they allow themselves to be treated." If you stay he will continue to do this over and over again. just because a couple gets a divorce doesnt mean the kids have to lose a father. he can still be a father if he wants to be. the decsion is his to make if he wants to be a great father or not. I would say temporary seperation but really the choice is yours to make.

    good luck, best wishes and hope you feel better.

    Answer by navajomama7 at 2:42 PM on Sep. 30, 2009

  • i could have written most of these post

    i am with you, sorry to say for both of us

    i found my man on a site like this too, it was last July and he too swears he did nothing, I caught him a few days after he signed up, I am still untrusting of him, still feel so unsexy, so unwomanly and so unloved, so disrepected

    I can not answer if you should leave him, but I got some good advise on the questions to ask yourself, the best one was....would I want my daughter to be in a relationship with a man that treated her like this? My answer is NO, I would want my daughter to have a man that loves, respects and cares for her feelings

    I wish that I were with you to give you a big hug and maybe we could help each other, maybe even find some humor in the crappy way our men are acting. wow, I feel like a found a friend going through the same shit,

    i am not being anon, so you can write me if you want to
    take care

    Answer by boredmom44 at 2:44 PM on Sep. 30, 2009

  • I have been through something similar, and I didnt think I could get over it either and trust him again. I cant say that I fully trust him again yet, but we are working on it, it will take a while to rebuild. When I found out about the things that happened, I left, I went to my moms, and we were separated for 8 months. In that time I was able to figure out what I could and couldnt not forgive, I once was sure that I couldnt forgive the things he did to me. I wont say its easy, b/c it definitely is not, but its worth it to me. We have been back together now for 6 months, and things are much better than they were for a long time, and we are stronger than we once were. Only you can make the decision to stay or go.

    Answer by kimbob2284 at 2:44 PM on Sep. 30, 2009

  • It may come as a total shock to everyone here, but what he did, he did not do TO YOU. If he did it to you, it wouldn't have come as a surprise, because you'd have been right there while it was happening.

    Not to minimize the sense of betrayal you have certainly experienced... but whatever he did was out of his own internal junk and has almost nothing to do with you. I mean, feel free to take ownership of whatever it was that made him feel unacceptable to you, so he felt the need to find the solution 'out there'... Betcha a dollar he feels really terrible about himself, and worse because he has hurt you, his marriage and his view of himself (even if it was a lie, he was happy with his view of himself), plus whoever you may have told... like us!

    Yeah... this is allowed to be your dealbreaker. It may also be the only thing possible to break down the wall between you two, and build a genuinely fantastic marriage.

    Answer by LindaClement at 6:56 PM on Sep. 30, 2009

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