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He doesn't want me to talk about stuff???

We are going through couple's counsiling because of sever issues we've had, we've had two big "fights" both over the phone since we've been going. He feels like I don't need to bring up the fights in the sessions because "they've been delt with" I feel like because they drug out for over an hour that we aren't using the skills that we should use to stop/resolve the fight. Last time I brought it up he got most of the shit for it because I recognized and tried to handle it with the skills we know to use, and he wouldn't allow me. And he thinks he's going to get the shit again over it. He called me tonight just to ask me what I was going to bring up. It's like he wants to keep all the negative away from the counsiler and tells me she's not goin tobe there forever. I know that, but why not get the most out of it while we can??

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Asked by Anonymous at 10:59 PM on Sep. 30, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • Because he doesn't want to deal with it. Instead, he just wants to brush it off and ignore it, but what he doesn't understand is that the more you try to ignore things such as this, the more they build up which causes what I call an "under current" of big problems. Meaning that you may not be fighting at the moment, but the problems are still there, and not dealt with, and they will surface many, many more times until they are dealt with properly which takes both of you learning how to meet each others' need, learning how to resolve a fight, learning how to keep one from happening, and most importantly, always thinking about the other person and how what you do or say will affect them.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:04 PM on Sep. 30, 2009

  • Op here - So what do I go tomorrow and say "well, he didn't want me to say anything but,"

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:05 PM on Sep. 30, 2009

  • You need to discuss what you feel needs to be discussed with the counselor. If he doesn't want to get the most out of it that doesn't need to stop you from doing so. He either joins you or goes away. I went through the same thing when my husband and I went to counseling. He acted like we had no problems when we were there but things were so far from being ok at home. The counselor told me it is like dancing...if you change the steps and he doesn't follow, he will be dancing alone. This can be the hardest part about counseling. You never know what way it will go. Good luck.

    Answer by IzzeAddy at 11:14 PM on Sep. 30, 2009

  • How about ask the question you really have? "SO and I disagree about something. Maybe you can help. He believes that when we have a fight, that if it is dealt with at that time, we shouldn't mention it in here. I believe that we need to have things out in the open. What do you think?" She may have some insight into this very question that could help you both.


    Answer by Petie at 11:18 PM on Sep. 30, 2009

  • What is the point of going to counseling if you can't discuss these things?? If he doesn't like what's being said, maybe he should change his behavior at home. The counselor is the place to discuss all of these things. Better than discussing with your mom, or friends, who will take sides.....and will be there later!!!

    Answer by ohwrite at 11:47 PM on Sep. 30, 2009

  • My husband is the same way. When he has dealt with something, it should never be brought up again. If I have not dealt with it yet & need to talk about it, he accuses me of 'never letting things drop' or 'you are throwing that up in my face' or 'you always bring up the past' could have just happened yesterday or last week & we never talked about the problem. Until something is discussed, it can always pop back up, which he is good at bringing things up later.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:53 AM on Oct. 1, 2009

  • husband and I have gone to two counseling sessions (because he informed me that he hasn't been happy in years, only been married for 4 and that he just wants to do whatever he wants to do when he wants to do it and spend time with his kids). The first one was great...we got a lot of the air cleaned, etc. The second one not so much, more came out and he told me that he was so unhappy with our marriage that he didn't even want to come home to me anymore! He went from one extreme to the next. Now the problem is I feel like he won't talk to me about anything unless we're in the counseling office! He keeps saying just wait until Monday at 5, or whatever the appt is. Why are Men so difficult and why wouldn't you really discuss the issues at hand.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:26 PM on Oct. 1, 2009

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