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My stepdaughter

I love my stepdaughter with all my heart, even though her dad and I are not together anymore. I have raised her since she was 8, she's 14 almost 15 now and she's become one of my best friends. We never had any children together, but I honestly feel like she's mine. She's been so supportive through this divorce to me, and truly understands why I had to leave her father. (He has custody of her, he's a good dad). Her biological mother has been accusing her lately of picking me over her and her brother and sister, which isn't the case. My SD made a choice on her own about a year ago not to go around her mother anymore because of the way her mother treated her. My SD says she knows that I don't make her choose between us and that she wants to be with me because I treat her better than her mother ever did. Is there anything she can do to build a better relationship with her bio mom? I know this is hurting her, and not seeing her...

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:55 AM on Oct. 1, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • Cont...
    not seeing her brother and sister is hurting her too. Her mother honestly has the maturity of a 14 year old always causing drama, and while I'm trying to be there for SD, I get SO angry at her bio mom for putting her through this. Any advice?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:57 AM on Oct. 1, 2009

  • Your daughter is getting older, & can start making decisions on her own. She will learn something out of all of this. If she truly thinks her bio mom is toxic, then maybe it is better that she rely on you for motherly love & support. As far as her brother & sister go, how do they relate? Is she the oldest? Maybe encourage her to spend time w/ them. Can they go to her dads, or to your house? Tell her that in the future, she might regret it if she creates an estranged relationship from her brother & sister. Sometimes it can be hard to go back to an uncomfortable situation, when you found a comfy place. I understand that. But she should make at least a small effort to remain civil & loving towards her other family members. It might bite her later on if she doesn't.

    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 9:06 AM on Oct. 1, 2009

  • *op* Her siblings are both younger than her, and her mother won't let them come and see her. The only way she gets to see them is if she goes over there, and that's the only reason she goes. We had concert tickets that I bought 3 months ago for us, and her mother decided to have a joint birthday party for my SD's brother and sister on the same night and my SD choose to go to the concert because she went over eariler that week to spend time with her little brother on his birthday. Bio mom went off on SD telling her she was selfish and the world didn't revolve around her. It was pitiful, SD cried and cried because her mom was being so mean. When she was younger SD wanted to get her hair cut and bio mom said no, but my ex husband said she could get it cut, then to punish her bio mom put a home perm in her hair. It's all about comtrol for the bio mom, if she can't be in control it kills her.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:13 AM on Oct. 1, 2009

  • No matter what just keep encouraging her to go see her mother and siblings.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:20 AM on Oct. 1, 2009

  • Just because you give birth doesn't mean your a good mom, & I appreciate that you are a role model & influence in her life. But I will say that you were wrong to let her go to the concert she should of been there for the party. Put yourself in her brother or sisters position it doesn't matter if she was there earlier in the week she should of been at the party too b/c she wasn't the mom gets to brain wash them "she doesn't love you" I think you need to help her go out of her way to establish a connection w/ brother& sister help her make cards,take her to the dollar tree to buy trinkets for them.simple things will help her create a bond with them. Because if their MOM is a BAD MOM then she is probably a bad mom to all of them& they will need their sister as a positive connection& support system. IMO she should just try to be civil to her mom she doesn't need to try to build a relationship with a negative person. Good luck.
    abbyg

    Answer by abbyg at 11:29 AM on Oct. 1, 2009

  • *OP* In all honesty I had no idea about the party or the texts her mother was sending her until we were on our way to the concert, I thought they had his party eariler in the week and that's why she went over there. I would never try to come between her and her siblings, and she knows that she would never make me mad by going to something they had over something we had planned to do. I wish I had known about the party eariler maybe there was something I could have done...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:37 PM on Oct. 1, 2009

  • I'd tell her to keep her visits and talks to you a secret from mom and go visit just to see the siblings if nothing else.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:55 PM on Oct. 1, 2009

  • I totally believe that just because somebody is there for conception or birth does NOT make that person a parent. Her biomom, even if she qualifies to be called a parent, is not a very good one but she is still one. However, you fill the void in this girls heart & have been with her for years...you are her 'soul mom' so to speak. That relationship should not be broken. Stay in touch with her as much as you can without causing problems between her & biomom. DNA does not determine who our family is...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:14 PM on Oct. 1, 2009

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