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How can I fix my marriage w/o such drastic measures?

My husband & I have been married only 6mnths, & have a 5 mnth old son. We lived together for 2yrs before we got married. We have recently been having such big issues that we seperated. I moved in to an apartment just down the hall from him & tho we still see each other everyday (& knew we would w/ this arrangment) we are still technically seperated. I am miserable! I don't want to be apart like this & I feel like there has to be something else we can try! A couple of our problems are that I'm messy & it drives him crazy so he thinks by doing this I'll learn to clean up better. He's also not sure about the married w/ kids life suddenly. He wants to get a taste of being single...but not in the dating way, more of just the on his own part of it. I understand his reasonings for thinking this will work, but I'm too miserable to take anything from it. Please, any ideas of what else to try! we do start counseling on wed.

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Asked by blessed_mommy09 at 10:29 PM on Oct. 1, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (6)
  • well he separated from you because you are messy? i don't think hes the one you should be pining after..if he left you for such a minuscule thing!


    Answer by naturepeace at 10:31 PM on Oct. 1, 2009

  • Ok, so he knew you were messy for 2 yrs BEFORE he married you and he had no complaints? It just now started bothering him, right? Personally I think he should have been working with you so you both could compromise during that period but I guess that is water under the bridge. Living in 2 apts seems like an expensive way to go. Why not get a house and him give you your space to be messy in and the rest of the house can stay clean and neat like he wants? Not sure what to say about the not sure he wants kids and family. Personally I think he should have considered that before he had a wife and kid. It's a bit unfair to be doubting it now. He sounds a bit selfish. I hope counseling goes well.

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:33 PM on Oct. 1, 2009

  • The counseling is the very best thing you can do. Good luck.

    Answer by gdiamante at 10:39 PM on Oct. 1, 2009

  • I know how you feel. I am messy too. My Dh is always complaining how it bothers him. I would say your best bet is to try and work on your messyness. And I agree with th previous poster about him wanting to separate over that little thing though. Maybe he doesnt so much as want to be single but to have things he does on his own but still have you and your son. So maybe try to get him into something that he will enjoy that will ake him feel like he has his own things but still has a family. And if he still seems to say that he doesnt know about the whole kids and wife thing thats too bad because he already has that. I think the counseling will definatley help. That will help you both get in things you feel but dont feel comfortable saying or cant find the right way to say. I hope this helps. Just tell him we need to remember where we started. There was obv something in the beginning that made him want to marry u and have kids :)

    Answer by OliviasMommy614 at 10:42 PM on Oct. 1, 2009

  • Thanks, he has admitted that its selfishness on his part. And me being messy, yea I was then & its always bothered him, but since I had the baby its worse b/c its not just my stuff its the baby stuff too! His job pays for the apt also, so I'm just working now too at the same job & its a job I can have the baby w/ me. Its a job for 3 managers on 3 different 4 hr shifts a day. Its not a bad job! I'm just at such a loss on other things to try! I tried picking up after myself but I guess I didn't do it well enough. I agree that he's being selfish & that it seems silly about my being messy. Those aren't our only problems mind you, those are just our 2 bigs ones! We have agreed to talk tomorrow & then on Tuesday and suggest any new ideas we have on ways to fix this, but I think my emotions are preventing me from coming up w/ anything right now!

    Answer by blessed_mommy09 at 10:44 PM on Oct. 1, 2009

  • Marriage changes relationships. So does having babies. So you get to have 2 of the largest changed your marriage will ever experience at the same time. Excellent.

    He's not being selfish, he's being immature. He has freaked out about the situation he doesn't feel prepared or qualified for. Welcome to the human race, dude. NO ONE ever feels qualified to be a parent before they are actually parents (the ones who do are often in for a massive shock when the reality of parenting hits them). His 'solution' to the problem of feeling incompetent and out of his depth is to blame you. See... real maturity, there.

    Separation is just about the dumbest thing you can do to make a marriage function. Running instead of actually working on the problems, negotiate the 'deal' and saying 'I will not leave, even if it gets hard' is also immature. And ineffective.

    It's like waiting in bed to get strong enough to lift weights. Doesn't work

    Answer by LindaClement at 12:44 AM on Oct. 2, 2009

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