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What to do with an SO who is bad with money! We keep fighting!

He keeps adding extra expenses that we don't have the funds for, and buying stuff when we have ANY extra money. We need to SAVE our extra money so we can afford everything we already have but he won't do that. Instead we end up in a knock-down-drag-out fight over it and he ends up spending it anyway! We are in a one-income household - but just because you earn it doesn't mean you get to spend it however you want. He has a wife and child and basic bills to pay. Just for example: last time we had extra money he bought 300 dollars in car parts for his "projects" that he rarely works on. The time before that I was 9 months pregnant and he bought a vehicle that now costs 150 a month in payments. And then last night he bought an expensive hunting license with the bare-min groceries I sent him for cause the bank account was low. He also will not quit smoking even tho that costs 250/month. I can't keep having huge fights. WWYD

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Asked by Anonymous at 11:21 AM on Oct. 2, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • I'd divorce him and file for child support.

    Answer by Gailll at 11:25 AM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • Have you tried sitting down with him, when you aren't fighting over it, and making a list of every bill you have - rent, car payments, insurance, groceries, cigarettes - EVERYTHING.

    Add it all up and show him the amount (it might help if you have this list done in advance). Put on there how much comes in, too, if you want.

    Then, very calmly, tell him that these are all the obligations that you, as a family, have to meet, and that you're getting really stressed over trying to keep everything straight and going, so you need him to help you (say this in a non accusing "well, you just need to help" sort of way - say it in a "I love you, and I'm having a hard time, and I really need your input" sort of way).


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:28 AM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • cont

    Then, tell him that what would really help is if he would sit down with you every week, or month, or however often you pay your bills, and help pay them. You have the stack of bills, and he writes the check (or pays them online, or whatever). BUT - no matter HOW you pay them, he needs to also record them - in an old fashioned checkbook ledger, or in a quicken program, or whatever.

    You sit with the stack of bills, and are like - ok - here's the car payment. $150.00 - the account number is ---- as he's filling out the check or entering the info on the computer. Then you set that one aside. The next one is __ for __.

    Do this EVERY bill time. When you're done, you can be like - ok - so, you're saying we have __ left for food. Wow, that's not very much, I think it's going to be tight this payday, or whatever.


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:33 AM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • cont

    This way, he is being forced to actually see the problem and be a part of dealing with it, but not in a way where he's being irresponsible and you're yelling. Because all that's going to do is make you more stressed, make him mad and where he's doing it almost (or maybe not so "almost") to spite you - to prove "it's my damn money, I'll do what I want" sort of thing.

    If, after helping you with the bills and doing that, he STILL is doing this sort of crap, then next payday, you just hand him the stack of bills and say, since you needed to spend the money for ___ on ___, then YOU figure it out, and YOU call the creditors to explain why we can't make our payment. Make HIM deal with it.

    If that STILL doesn't work, then I don't think it's a money problem you have, I think it's a he doesn't care about you or your family problem.

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:36 AM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • Oh, btw, my dh used to do something like that - only usually the things he bought was gifts for me or the kids, or things for the house.

    Someone gave me the advice I just gave you, and we did the sit down together and do the bills thing, and it only took a couple of paydays before he realized that we just couldn't continue like that. He stopped doing it, and now, if it's something big that one of us wants to buy, we talk about it first and we both look at the budget and see if we can afford it.


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:40 AM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • i agree with sailor.....i had to do just that...i made a list, food,electric,cable,phone,car payments, insurence,rent and childsuport..and totaled it out for the month...even did another that showed what we have to put in saveings everyweek to pay bills (271.00 a week, so 271 had to be taken out of his check and put in bill account everyweek ) ontop of his tool payment ( 200.00 a month ) i broke it all down. totaled it up and showed him, also showed him his normal avrage paycheck weekly and after taken money out for bills that left x amount a week which wasent much but bills are being paid.and we had food. so his asking can i fill up my disele we dont have 60.00 to just throw to gas ( he uses his truck to go to dump thats it ) i also took his debt card ( he went debit happy and brought us to a negitive all because he wanted...but showing him a breakdown might help. it did for me, he understands now..cant afford.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:44 AM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • i will add that once dh saw he didnt make enough for his " i need to buy" needs he smartend up..i have once or twice threw the check book at him. ( fine heres what money we have and what bills are due) good luck im not stressing anymore its your deal..that scared him. mainly when i said ohhh yeah by the way ontop of the normal bills u have to write a childsuport check..he decide he will make the money and i will be the one to make sure it goes were its needed. and any xtra i do give him some to spend as he wishes. good luck hun but take that advice it really does work.xo

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:51 AM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • We seperated, he has almost ruined my credit, I am in such a hole, I will have to work very hard to get out of it and I'm 29 weeks pregnant sooooo I will have to wait till I can go back to work after she's born. We have lost a lot, and my mother is helping me and my 1 year old now. He's always worked and kept a job, he just has priority issues.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:52 AM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • Time to get a job working nights to supplement your income. I would also sit down with your budget and have him go over it with you in a calm and adult way.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:53 AM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • This is OP

    I've been panicking because he is getting paid "extra" this weekend with a side-job he did.. But once you minus out all the bills and the hunting license we will be in the RED if he doesn't use that "extra" for our account.

    He blames me because I had him take one day off of work last week to help me take our son to the doctor. I panic really bad at the doctor without him there and it's only once every 3 months.

    He won't tell me how much this side job was for and he told me last night he has no plans of putting it into the account.

    I will attempt to break it all down for him and give him a visual.

    I'm thinking about just giving him the passwords and handing him the checkbook because this is making me incredibly anxious.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:58 AM on Oct. 2, 2009

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