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Do people here believe that a mother or family *not* wanting the child is normal?

I am indicating foster care here and the occasional overseas adoption where abuse/neglect by a family member was a factor in the relinquishment.


Asked by Mei-Ling at 11:36 AM on Oct. 2, 2009 in Adoption

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Answers (24)
  • Addressing the "why does she even have it," issue. I think there are some few women who take no responsibility for how their life goes, and always choose the path of least resistance. In other words, if they get pregnant, they have child after child, whether they want them or not. It may not be a big deal for them because they do not care about the child and its welfare. It is easier for them to just have babies, rather than going to the trouble/stigma of placing them for adoption.

    However, I think most women who become pregnant without meaning to, take the life of their child as a serious and significant issue. They first decide on whether to abort or give birth, and then decide between parenting and relinquishment. Most birth moms I know love their children dearly and, if they were not coerced, chose adoption because they loved their children and thought it was in their best interest.

    Answer by Southernroots at 4:03 PM on Oct. 3, 2009

  • Normal is diff to everyone. If you are adopting then you should know whether you want kids or not, thats a given. But the ones that adopt for the wrong reasons are sick and need help. They obvioulsy have a sick way of wanting some form of control.

    Answer by Steph319 at 11:43 AM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • I believe that most children in foster care are there due to abuse and/or neglect due to the bfamilies involvement with crime or drugs.

    It is not in my range of "normal" to ever be able to put a "high" or anything else above my child. I do think that many times this is a cycle that repeats itself. My child's bmom grew up in foster care and experienced many horrors as a child/teen. She had no mother role model and as a result, I dont think she could mother herself. She lives in a world where drugs are a "normal" and her losing her kids was not an unheard of event in her community. I am glad for this child that she broke the cycle and placed this child rather than let another generation of this pain continue.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:54 AM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • There is very little about adoption in general that is "normal." Nothing about relinquishing a child for ANY reason is normal. Nor is it normal for a mother or a family to NOT want a child. I believe that most mothers want their children.

    Answer by Southernroots at 12:08 PM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • I think a mother or family not wanting the child is abnormal.

    Answer by onethentwins at 1:04 PM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • I don't think it's normal to not want your child, but I know it happens very often. As a PP mentioned, sometimes it's a repetitive generational cycle. You live what you've learned. (Not in all cases, but in way too many.) In some of our foster children, there was CPS involvement in the mother's life when SHE was a child. She WAS the child victim, (some w/ allegations, but not enough evidence to remove) stayed with the family, or some were removed and later returned to the family, and the cycle repeats itself. It's very sad. There was no true change. This is why so few relatives pass the home study to take in the children. The abuse or neglect (or problems with addictions) is occurring in their lives, and so they are not suitable to raise the children. Maybe they are suitable but they feel sorry for the mother and won't keep the children safe. It's NOT normal, IMHO, but it's sometimes learned/accepted behavior.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 2:42 PM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • I also don't know why parents aren't put in jail when their kids are taken. They are offered services, rehab, job corps, housing options---you name it---all for FREE but if they choose NOT to avail themselves of it, & their time to get the kids back is up, they can relinquish (so they can keep their future kids) or be terminated on (so their future kids can be removed at birth) BUT then they can just go back to their same old life. Where's their punishment? It's like a get out of jail free card. They should be prosecuted for the abuse &/or neglect. Every other crime has a sentence. Why is there no sentence for abandoning your children to the state?

    I know this isn't the case for EVERY CPS case. Exceptions & "successes" (while rare) DO exist. But in these other cases, the child is paying for the crime of the parent.

    However, I am thankful for our child, regardless of how he got to our home. He is very special to us.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:01 PM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • I wonder why though, if the woman clearly does NOT want the child, does not want to be a mother why even give birth? If she does not care about the child why have it at all? I cant buy that someone who would beat or neglect a child is "pro life" me, that means you respect life in general not just you dont believe in having an abortion. If you believe your child deserves to live then why abuse it?

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:18 PM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • "Why is there no sentence for abandoning your children to the state? "

    Can you possibly think that abandoning your child feels good? Don't you understand that desperation is often behind abandoning a child OR placing it for adoption? Do you really think mothers without their children do not usually torture themselves enough without additional punishment?

    By the way, in China there are laws against relinquishing a child, I believe. That is why children there are often abandoned on street corners, rather than taken to an orphanage. Would you rather our country have children abandoned on street corners? Come to think of it, we already do have safe havens, which to me isn't much better.


    Answer by Southernroots at 4:06 PM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • I jumped the gun. Abusing children does have legal consequences. Some parents are prosecuted for abuse and/or child neglect. Unfortunately, I don't think our system does a very good job though of protecting children.

    Answer by Southernroots at 4:09 PM on Oct. 2, 2009