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When does "fighting to keep your family" become plain old "stupidity"? - LONG

When we first met (10 yrs ago); he didn't want to go to sleep because he didn't want to miss spending any time with me. Now I definitely didn't expect that to continue; lol but...

We had fun together; we used to work together; we enjoyed just hanging out on the weekends. Yes; we had a few bumps in the road, but we worked hard and pushed through them and came out together on the other side.

When our first child was born (5yrs ago) he was great! He was all about helping and holding and feeding and changing and would get upset that I didn't wake him in the middle of the night to help! lol He would try to hurry home to beat bedtime when it was still at an early time just so he had some play time.

As time passed he would take our child everywhere with him; need something from the store; “WE'LL” go he’d say...he had a good job that allowed him to be home for dinner & on weekends with us.

{cont'd}

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:50 PM on Oct. 2, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • OP:
    Our second child; not quite so much; I fully admit this child is a much more active handful than our older child; but I still don’t consider that a valid excuse.

    We're not happy. We haven't been for a while (1.5yrs )

    His issue:
    *he doesn't get sex, (last time was June, I think)

    {cont'd}
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:51 PM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • OP:
    My issues:
    *he doesn't have steady work but he's gone 10-12 hours a day/ 7 days a week; “looking” – he used to work great; but after he was let go due to the economy things haven’t picked up; I was cutting him some slack for maybe being depressed about everything but…
    *We're past broke; living in a foreclosed on house waiting to be kicked out; w/utilities always turned off & scrambling to get back on
    *By the time he gets home (after kids are in bed) it's maybe an hour TOPS before he's ready for bed. [hence no sex, I can't have sex w/ someone who doesn't pay ANY attention to me!?]
    *Anytime I call his phone he's busy or in the middle of something or has to take another call or will call right back [which rarely if ever happens]
    *Yet anytime he is around when the phone rings he’s “got to” answer it…no one else ever has to hold on a min or get called right back.

    {cont'd}
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:51 PM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • OP:
    I am by no means a saint. I can be bitchy; snarky; snippy; and downright unpleasant when the mood strikes. (I honestly did warn him before we started dating but he didn’t listen…) I complain about our situation at least once a week. I cook pretty well; but am no where near the world’s best housekeeper by any stretch of the definition. But he’s not complaining about any of that…just that he doesn’t get laid; which makes me feel like a piece of meat and not very attracted to him.

    So how long does one hold on to ‘keep their family’ together before they’re just being completely stupid? Am I there? Is it insanity for me to continue hoping for the guy I fell for and had children with to return? I’m a little frozen by fear of all the “what if’s”...

    {cont'd}
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:51 PM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • OP:
    He says things will get better once he finds steady work but there’s always a reason why he can’t apply for this job or that job; it’s like he’s waiting around for the “perfect” job and that’s just not working for me!

    {Before we end up there: I know he’s not cheating…if he was he wouldn’t be pestering me for sex…he’s driving around all day using gas $ we don’t have looking for odd jobs to barely get by on}

    The End...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:52 PM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • I wouldn't be so quick to jump on the "he's not cheating" bandwagon... Even if he's pestering you for sex, that doesn't mean he isn't getting it somewhere else TOO.

    But if you're sure... I'd say you NEED to sit down and lay out all the things you just said to us to HIM. Tell him you want things to be better. Tell him that if he made you feel more attracted to him, you'd be more willing to give him sex. Tell him that you feel like he is drifting, that you feel like he is wasting time and money, and that you are hurt and confused. Tell HIM these things, and see what he says.

    Then, if you are still sure he isn't cheating and he doesn't change, you might want to consider marriage counseling (churches often do this for free), or start looking for a way out.
    Iskkra

    Answer by Iskkra at 5:02 PM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • I think you guys have alot going on. It sounds like he is a great person who has lost himself due to circumstances. I dont think you shouldgive up yet, tell him the things you ahve said here and tell him you want more than anything for him to be happy again. Tell him y you dont feel like sex and see if you guys can work on him finding a job. Have him talk to you about his job hunt..does he have a plan for places to go b4 he leaves the house each day? things like this so you know why he may not be getting hired. I know it is tought to find a job and guys feel awful when they cant provide. Sex makes them feel better, you both may have to give alittle til things get better.
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 5:34 PM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • The signs of a cheater is either no sex at all with the spouse or a large amount of sex with the spouse. Something different from the norm at home.

    At this point I'd suggest what the PP did. Counseling and communication. IMO, it sounds like he's got things like he wants them. He doesn't have to hold down a job, you're at home taking care of the kids. This frees him up to do whatever the hell he's doing when he's "looking " for a job.

    My heart goes out to you and your children. Good luck with whatever you decide.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:39 PM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • I would not give up untill you have tried everything there is to try. I don't think it's ever stupid to fight to keep your family. (unless you are being abused or cheated on)
    This is why our vows say for better or for worse, richer or poorer, ect. I know it's so hard to hang in there when you feel like there's not much to hang on to. Just remember, people def. do change, and you may never get that man back that you married. kids change us tremendously, as I am sure he would say you have changed to.
    My best advice would be, work on yourself. Work on being happy, making him happy will be a wonderful side effect. We all want to be with a happy person. We all want to feel loved and special, so really think about the way you make him feel too.
    Good luck and I hope your marraige survives and thrives. :)
    JackieGirl007

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 7:07 PM on Oct. 2, 2009

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