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my 14yo wants more freedom

We live in a nice safe town, but some of her schoolmates drink and I dont want her in that enviornment. She went to a game at school which ended around 10:30pm but she wanted to go hang out at her friends house, but we said that she couldnt. I dont know her friends parents and her friends parents let them hang out til whatever time and i dont feel good with that. how do I get her to understand that I'm just trying to protect her.

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Asked by Anonymous at 11:54 PM on Oct. 2, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (13)
  • She knows you are trying to protect her. and she hates it (or at least, that's how i felt when i was a teenager and my mom was trying to protect me). I don't think there's much you can do. Make sure you have her friend's numbers. And meet the parents. Trust me, if she's going to get into drinking she's going to do it with or without your knowledge. ...and i'm glad you made her come home with you after the game. I don't think any young girl should be out past dark. JMHO.

    Answer by outstandingLove at 11:58 PM on Oct. 2, 2009

  • thank you!, that's what i told her. but she's all, uh , nothings gonna happen,ugh

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:00 AM on Oct. 3, 2009

  • the more u try the more she will rebel. i used to lie to my mom all the time i didnt try drinking till i was 17 but kids start young these days. i would tell my mom i was spending the night at my bff's house and since i had been spending the night there since i was 7 she never questioned and she would say the same to her mom and we would go out and party. i wasnt much of a drinker but weed was my drug of choice. kids dont really understand they just c what there friends r doing and want to do it too as long as u know that u have given her good morals i would not worry too much. at 14 i was home by 9 on school nights and 11 on weekends

    Answer by monroemommyof2 at 12:01 AM on Oct. 3, 2009

  • You were right in making her come home. In high school, I never had a curfew and was rarely told "no" when going out with friends. But, I was a good girl. Literally. I always called if we were going somewhere else other than originally planned. My mom knew my friends and knew their parents and had their phone numbers. Had I not been that way, I have no doubt my mom would've been the same way. And I wouldn't have blamed her ( i might have then). The world is so untrustworthy now.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:05 AM on Oct. 3, 2009

  • when i was 14 i felt smothered by my parents long story from childhood led me to cutting school because that was the only way i got to hang out with my when i got to highschool they picked me up from school n drove me 2 i kept cutting school.we went to family counseling n ended up coming to an agreement with eachother.i call when i get to where im parents can pick me up from where im at.and yes def. meet the dont want her going to a parents house where there are no morals.she'll understand when she gets older but at that age there hard headed and oblivious as was i.

    Answer by Desi2Sweet at 12:08 AM on Oct. 3, 2009

  • OP here. she's a good girl and i want her to stay that way. I'm afraid that if she starts hanging out with these girls that she wont be so good any more. These girls are sexually active and drink. I dont want her in that environment. She only goes to school with them. She says that she knows what to do if they start to drink, and i know that she's strong and smart but she's a kid and peer pressure is so rough that i'm afraid she'll succumb.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:10 AM on Oct. 3, 2009

  • WELL i am 19 and tell you the truth... she is overlooking you caring and protecting her. bc i have a friend thats 15 and i feel like her mom sometimes bc i dont want her going out partying and all.. and i see when she dissrespects her mom by doing stuff that she shouldnt. but the other friends parents not caring is ridicolous. you are just being a caring mother. what i would do is make sure she has a cell phone on her at all times and i would give her a curfew of 11 on weekends. and 9 on weekdays. 11 is late enough for a 14 yo. now when shes 16 its time for a bit more freedom, but thats when they want to party so let her have a little more freedom but keeps your eyes on the ball. i wouldnt say dont let her attend parties, bc thats fun for teens. just depending on what type of party ya know. but let her have a little freedom with friends maybe let her stay at friends houses more

    Answer by SweetiePieAfWf at 12:13 AM on Oct. 3, 2009

  • shes gonna be around that environment of drinking and sex eventually.try talking to her about it so she doesnt get curious.thats usually why teens try drugs alcohol and sex, they see every1 else doing it and it makes them wonder why.let her be aware of all that but if you restrain her too much shes gonna make sure she has all the fun she can when she does get to go out.and if she violates that trust by getting drunk for example.theres always ways to teach your child a lesson when they do something sister came home drunk 1 night so my father made her drink some more and she threw up and felt sick.she never drank again after that and to this day and shes 32 she doesnt drink.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:31 AM on Oct. 3, 2009

  • If she is a good girl then she is entitled to some entertainment. You two just need to sit down and find something you can both agree on. You may not be able to choose her friends but you can choose the group that she picks her friends from. Get her envolved in something where she is surrounded by people you approve of. A church youth group, a sport, an organization. There are countless outlets. I went through this with my oldest daughter a few years ago. She needed a place to get away from mom and dad and feel like an individual. I signed her up for an indoor rock climbing gym. Most of the people there were her age. Most of them were physicaly fit and being in good shape gave them good self esteem. Best of all the only drink available to them was fruit juice and sports drinks. The gym didn't even offer soft drinks.

    Answer by always_chris at 12:50 AM on Oct. 3, 2009

  • I agree with the PP... if she is good, avoid frustrating her and maybe driving her to sneak around your rules by finding an alternative, or letting to a little.

    Frankly, if she has proven she respects your rules and your priorities and values, maybe allow her some freedom - pick her up at 11:00 - and tell her that is if she respect your rules, etc. You need to make sure that whatever times or opportunities you give her, it is a privilege because you trust her - and you will take them away if she doesn't keep that trust. But today, she sees 10:30 as a punishment.... so maybe change that, a little bit, and see what happens. If it goes well, maybe allow a bit more at the end of the school year, or next year.

    Also consider that when some kids see some of their friends 'wild' ways, it may turn them off on being the same way. Not all kids imitate those bad behaviours, but essentially all want to feel part of the crowd.

    Answer by PhillyinFrance at 5:05 AM on Oct. 3, 2009

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