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Do you believe that most birth moms in 2009 do not want contact?

"Some Birth Moms choose to have phone contact, but many choose to have no contact at all."

I found this statement on an agency site listed as a "fact" about adoption for expectant women considering adoption. It goes on to suggest that they will provide counseling to help you make your decision. If an expectant mom is told that the norm is to have no contact, will she believe it?

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Asked by Southernroots at 4:28 PM on Oct. 3, 2009 in Adoption

Level 16 (2,433 Credits)
Answers (30)
  • IF she has not researched adoption options...ABSOLUTELY! I think we all sometimes forget, that in small communities, where 'hiding" the pregnancy is still practiced...not all people have axcess to the cyber world. This is so sad...and to think , we even still have perfectly smart, astute people whom think, this type of practice is no longer used! If a young naive9or even not so anive0 person is told something from authorative figures( counselors, agencies,attornies), absolutley no reason to question them..correct? Hell, at 25 I did not question anything! Sadly, adoption is like 2 steps forward, then you read something like this...and its 3 steps backward! Blessings, C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 4:36 PM on Oct. 3, 2009

  • Its about choice not beleif. I dont think that ppl base their decisions on statistics but instead their heart. I know that I would not go on the popular vote but what I really feel is right for me.

    Answer by Steph319 at 4:37 PM on Oct. 3, 2009

  • Steph, it is NOT always about choice. This is where the problem lies...too many feel or are told they really have no choice, or are told they can't possibly be a good parent. Adoption agencies/ web-sites, should NOT be stating such is false, and youn naive women, can and will believe this. BELIEF-many times is what is told to one...just enough times! Blessings, C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 4:46 PM on Oct. 3, 2009

  • My point was that to state something as a "true fact," when it is simply an opinion, might sway some expectant moms. I think if a woman follows her heart, she will usually want contact. However, if she is made to feel that is asking too much, she might accept that as well. Many expectant moms are not feeling strong and brave enough to question or fight for what they want.

    Answer by Southernroots at 5:32 PM on Oct. 3, 2009

  • I know that in my child's situation she chose to be the one to initiate contact and has our number. She has chosen not to contact us. That may be unfair because she very well may be in a situation where she can't call us. She has never been shy about telling us what she expects or wants from our relationship. She would also be the first one to tell you that. In fact she told us she always gets what she wants one way or the other. She will also tell you she is assertive. And she is. But I also know that not everyone is as assertive as her and she was in her mid thirties when she placed her child for adoption. One thing I will say is that his birthmom can always ask, we will listen, but it doesn't mean the request is appropriate at that given time. I wish we actually did have more contact. At least to know she is alive and safe. When you don't know on either end it is very hard. Where ever she is I hope she knows

    Answer by frogdawg at 7:05 PM on Oct. 3, 2009

  • he is safe, cared for, happy, healthy, well adjusted, and just crazy smart. She at least deserves to know that he is happy and healthy - alive. Not all birthmothers are passive. Each expectant mother we met were VERY assertive. Some so assertive that they continued to parent and raise the child. Some so passive they cried because they felt forced by their family to raise the child and not place. Life is complicated. We couldn't choose for them but certainly if they choose us we were open to having contact.

    Answer by frogdawg at 7:09 PM on Oct. 3, 2009

  • Does age play a role when that is expressed? After my grief let up 15 years later, I no longer thought about contact. Now that I know I'm NOT WANTED, I no longer want contact. The Adoptee is happy, has all birth information, and I do NOT want to play the hurt each other game. I found an Adoptee on fb that fully understands a Mother and I get comfort from that.


    Answer by Anonymous at 7:38 PM on Oct. 3, 2009

  • I think that most women who walk into an adoption agency for advice are completely ignorant about adoption. I believed everything I was told, for example, that I would hurt at first and then get over it, and that my son wouldn't be harmed at all.

    I thought I would be treated like the women from the BSE and not be allowed to see my baby. I did! It seems laughable to me now to think I believed I wouldn't be allowed to see my own child. I'd never heard of open adoption, which is what they called semi-open adoption back then. And, I never imagined that full open adoption would exist.

    So while I think that most do want contact, I think a woman walking into that agency would believe it.


    Answer by onethentwins at 9:35 PM on Oct. 3, 2009

  • Age may be a factor only in that as time goes on you know yourself better. Some people, not all. And as time goes on you are then the same age or around there as the people you are working with. As a teen you may just trust all adults to guide you. I'm not saying every teen or young woman. But my son's birthmother had been-there-done and has been around the block two or three times. She actually told us she always gets what she wants and told us how assertive she is. And she ruled the hospital with an iron fist. She had that entire wing jumping when she said jump. The only ones who didn't jump were me and my husband. We had the social worker flat out tell her we don't play games. If games is her way then she was told our bags are packed and were content with going home...without a child. Because I knew it would set a bad precident to let her walk all over us. We had to establish boundaries. I suspect


    Answer by frogdawg at 9:53 PM on Oct. 3, 2009

  • quite strongly, we may have been the first time anyone has ever put there foot down with her and said NO. No I will not play this game/dance you have going on. This isn't a joke. I believe she may have respected that. Since she had her family at the hospital begging her to let them raise the baby and let them help her....we never really understood her reasons. And yet she had to have some. It was the only thing that made sense to me. I'll never know. But she was plenty of assertive. I think the way she grew up and what she had been through in her life made her even more so as time goes on. I just worry in her circumstances that she confuses assertive vs. aggressive and hope she is safe and well.

    Answer by frogdawg at 9:57 PM on Oct. 3, 2009

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