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My teenager is making life very unhappy...help!

I have a 14 year old that is very disrespectful UNLESS she is getting her way and having fun. She is very selfish and it only gets worse. I divorced her father when she was 4 years old & it's been an ugly custody battle since that time. She tells me that I have ruined her life (although I am the one that takes care of her every need on a daily basis and dad is around just to have fun on occassion). I remarried about five years ago & she hated my husband, life was difficult in our home so I left my husband (who was a good man) because I felt so torn between him & my child not to mention the drama my ex husband caused. Basically I have allowed my ex and my child to control my life for the last ten years. My daughter now tells me that she does not want me dating anyone and if I do date or ever remarry then she will not live with me. What do I do? I feel guilty and she knows how to manipulate!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:07 PM on Oct. 5, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (13)
  • have you thought about counselling...sounds like your daughter has fears taht if you remarry she loses you, or is afraid of getting attached to another father figure and losing them.....
    blueeyedgrl2377

    Answer by blueeyedgrl2377 at 7:09 PM on Oct. 5, 2009

  • I think she needs counseling...no offense intended but honestly she should go to a counselor
    She's old enough to have some tough love...so try this and stick to it

    tell her if you having love and happiness is so bad then you can arrange for her to live with her father and she can visit with you. This will help the father to understand how she is and she will have a wake up call asap
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:11 PM on Oct. 5, 2009

  • I wonder if she would think dad so fun if she lived there full time and he suddenly had to be a parent instead of a friend. Is he close by? If so, would you ever consider letting her live with dad?

    just a thought, can not tell in a few short words if this is a good idea

    i feel for you,

    on a positive note, she will most likely respect you for all you have done for her and thank you some day, but this will not happen for some time (if at all) some selfish teens do not grow out of this, most do
    boredmom44

    Answer by boredmom44 at 7:12 PM on Oct. 5, 2009

  • My dd was so difficult, I basically let her move out with friends when she was 16. It was very hard but I could not let her ruin my life. Look up" toughlove." now she is 22 and although she was on her own for 6-7 years, she has finally come back to me, it makes me cry to think of how hard it was to let go and all the years I worried about her but she refused to respect me. Now she knows I love her and she respects me even more for allowing her to go.
    If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, its yours, if is doesn't, it never was.
    writeon

    Answer by writeon at 7:13 PM on Oct. 5, 2009

  • She can only manipulate you if you allow it. Do not feel guilty for moving forward with your life and taking care of her every step of the way. She needs the rules laid out in plain english and what the result will be if she breaks thjem. Then you have to follow through every single time. 14 yr olds are pretty grumpy, hormonal people to begin with. She continues to escalate her behavior because she has been getting away with it. You CAN say..ENOUGH. If worse comes to worse send her to live with Dad. Let him be a full time parent for a while.
    I agree counseling could help. She sounds like a very angry, bitter young lady. The bitter custody battle has worn on her as badly as Mom and Dad I suspect.. Good Luck.
    GrnEyedGrandma

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 7:23 PM on Oct. 5, 2009

  • I will tell you,it will get better,but,not by you letting her control your life.You can try 2 things,let her go stay with her DAD for a while,while she is there ,you need a refresh course,try to set up a counseling session for all of you. I can remember my goddaughter doing the same thing to her mom,she thought her Dad was the best,she hated her step-dad,she was disrespectful, mean to him,but,he hung in there,my goddaughter is now 26,she now honors and respect her step-Dad to the highest,when,she became 16,her eyes became open,on the sad side,she don't have a relationship with Dad,she learned on her own,that her mom and step-Dad were true people and cared about her the most. Enough is enough,parents was placed over kids,not kids over parents,if, you don't stand up now,your DD will soon walk all over you. Be blessed.

    lady-t3984

    Answer by lady-t3984 at 7:59 PM on Oct. 5, 2009

  • tell her she cant date then.only buy the basic when it comes to food,somehing that she has to make herself if she wants a snack.take away phone privlivages and internet.
    angelairelan

    Answer by angelairelan at 8:08 PM on Oct. 5, 2009

  • MY DAUGHTER IS 17 AND SHE ACTS THE VERY SAME WAY,
    SOME ONE ONCE TOLD ME THE TEENAGERS ARE VRY SEFISH AND SEFL CENTRED WITH MY DAUGHTER I LET HER KNOW THAT I LOVE HER BUT WONT ALLOW HER TO BE IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE CUZ I TOO AM ALLOWED HAPPINESS AND THAT IF SHE DONT LIKE WWELL TOO DAMN BAD........
    kiera09

    Answer by kiera09 at 10:24 PM on Oct. 5, 2009

  • Please don't take this badly, because girls this age are frequently difficult, but it sounds like in addition to the regular teen difficulties, your daughter is being a little monster - and, again, no offense, but you made her this way (or, more to the point, let her get away with it for so long that you made her that way).

    I think the best and most effective, and, honestly, at this point the one that's most likely to be able to successfully make a positive difference is counseling - for BOTH of you. SHE needs to get a grip and get in control of herself, and YOU need to learn how to be the parent and be in control of the situation.

    There are lots of places that will provide counseling on a slide scale if money is an issue - I would look into it. Also, talk to her counselor at school or her (or your) Dr for a recommendation.

    GL to you both!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 8:41 AM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • Im 17 & I know how that little game works.

    She's full of resentment and hurt. Not to mention that us teens are ALWAYS hurt.
    You think she doesnt know shes wrong ? Trust me she does. All you have to do is be FIRM. Stop giving her her way ! I'm TELLING you. We will PUSH and PULL you EVERY which way once we know how to BREAK you. The NICEST of the NICE , once they get that POWER its NONSTOP. I PROMISE. Once she realizes your ALL she REALLY has .... she'll be SOOOOO sorry !

    But in order for her to see that , she'll have to go through alot.
    So I say counseling. She should go to counseling.

    By now when you put your foot down she'l lose her mind & rebel like hell. She'll run to daddy. She'll want to live with Daddy. Then Daddy cant take her & she'll be back but then she might run off again with friends or even go back and forth betwen you and daddy. Thats without counseling.
    LidaBaybee

    Answer by LidaBaybee at 10:27 AM on Oct. 6, 2009

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