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How do I tell him?

Well my husband and I have been married for 6 years, and 4 of that we have done nothing but fight. He is very controlling, and he always tries to find something wrong with me, the house, or the kids to fight about. For instance yesterday my youngest wasn't feeling well, so he laid around in his pj's, I got yelled at for not getting him dressed. I can't take the fighting anymore, he is always bringing me down, and it's really not good for the kids. How do I tell him I want a divorce, without getting him mad? I want it to end nicely for the kids sakes. Any advice would be helpful....THANKS!!!!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:52 AM on Oct. 6, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • If you are sure that you want to end it, just be strait forward. There is no getting around that he is going to be mad and that YOU are to blame. If he is as controlling as you say, he will try to turn this around so where it is all your fault and guilt you into changing your mind. Make sure the kids are not there.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 10:54 AM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • if i was you, i would find somebody whos house you could stay at for a little bit like your mom or something and while hes at work, pack up the kids and some of your stuff and go stay there & tell him over the phone that hes gotta move out or your moving out & you want a divorce,
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 10:55 AM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • Well i would just sit him down and tell him how your feeling and that you just want to split up and get a divorce. Tell him for the kids sake lets just end this like adults and if he freaks out on you then pack some clothes for you and the kids and go stay with a family member until he can get his stuff together and leaves. I would talk with a lawyer first before you say anything to him divorces can get really nasty.GL
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:57 AM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • My mom was in that situation with my dad and she started getting everything together before she told him and before we moved out. Since your husband is so controlling it would be best if you started to make your preparations now- before telling him. If you don't already have your own account open one. If you have a job start putting your money in your own account. If you don't have a job start looking for one. I would also start looking around for places to live and make a 'game plan' . I would also consult a lawyer and find out what your rights are.
    I think no matter how you say it your husband is going to be mad. Your best bet is to just come right out and say I am not happy, I can't go on like this I am getting a divorce.
    I wish you the best of luck and hope all works out for you and the kids!
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 11:01 AM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • If you leave the house, you most likely will lose it in a divorce. Thats what divorce lawyers told me at the time. The person with the house has a greater chance of winning pyshical custody of children.

    When i confronted my (ex) about a divorce, i did so with my parents in the house, for my protection. My ex threatened to kill himself, so i appeased him when he begged for counceling. During counceling, i got him to move in with a buddy while we "work things out". Then, at counceling, i told the councelor about everything, and told him i still wanted a divorce, and he was not allowed back in the house. By doing this in front of the councelor, i had a witness and record to my ex's behavior, and if he tried anything has just cause for a protection order. point of the story...you have to do what you have to do for you safety and future.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:03 AM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • It sounds to me that there is no way to end it with out him getting mad. He seems like he is a very mean spirited person, at least towards you, and he will get angry no matter what happens. You need to talk to a lawyer, and if you feel that he might get physically violent when you tell him, then you need to get a restraining order. As for your children, the constant fighting is more harm to them than a divorce would be. I know that you want to keep your family together, but there are certain people who should not be together. It will be hard on them, but as long as you and your husband stay cordial to each other and don't say bad things about the other in their presence, they will be fine. You both need to attend all of their activities. I am sure that you do this anyway, but you will probably have to work harder to keep him involved. I am sorry things didn't work out, and I hope things get better for you. Good luck.

    krissyvelazquez

    Answer by krissyvelazquez at 12:26 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • if he gets mad about little things, there will be no NICE way of telling him that you no longer want to be married to him

    good advice so far on here, make a plan, consult lawyer, even call an abusive center, if he is this controlling it could get very nasty from from when he knows, you sound like your mind is made up, but that does not mean you have to tell him right away (although you are probablby axious to tell him and get it over with) if you have put up with this for a long time, you can put up with it a bit longer while you get the your ducks in a row

    plan for your new life before telling him
    boredmom44

    Answer by boredmom44 at 12:28 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • Control freaks don't like it when the controllees leave so no matter how you say it he's not going to take it well. I'd just tell him straight up that the fighting stops or you will consider leaving. That gives him the opportunity to control things and fix them or he knows the consequences (so it would be his fault). That gets some of the "blame" (he'll try to pin on you) off your shoulders. So that puts the ball in his court and he can make it work or not. Meanwhile you can be planning your move since you know he's going to screw it up bc Controllers have to criticize and keep people emotionally under their thumb to maintain the control. It's just their way
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:37 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • Honestly, from the way you say he is, there's no getting around the fact that he's going to be mad. Your just going to have to realize he's going to be mad, and just set your mind to it and go for it. Like a few other mom's suggested, you should find a safe place to go for awhile, maybe even tell him over the phone. He will try to talk you out of it, by putting you down, threatening you, blaming you.....just expect these things from him and stick to your guns. There's no sense in trying to make him understand your reasons, he can't understand, and won't understand. It can't matter what he says or does, you know what you want and what is best for you.....dont' let him talk you out of it. He may even claim he'll change.....dont' believe that...he is who he is!
    robinann5

    Answer by robinann5 at 3:01 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

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