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For Adoptive Mothers

What bothers you most about birthmothers? I am a birthmother for a bit over 2 yrs now. I know I was sooo clingy to my parents mother via email, and always sending pics and letters and gifts.
I have since have had another child by same man whom we are rasing together. I have stepped back a lot. She (the amom) has stopped the email in Sept of 08. I would really love to start emailing again, but not as much as we (I) used to. Just to be friends, be in touch and just share stories of our children. Since she has my birthdaughter and now I have my son, I would love to see and hear stories of her at his current age.
Should I just forget about it and move on or is there a way that the bio and adoptive mom can really be friends. Am I asking for to much? And how do I go about talking to her about this since the only way we talk is via the agency.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:29 PM on Oct. 6, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (18)
  • So you were emailing through the agency?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:43 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • This is a tough one. I'm a birthmother too and I send them letters thru the lawyer who handled the adoption. Sometimes, I feel like they just want me to disappear. I am raising my older daughter, the surrendered child's full sibling. After telling me they do not consider the girls sisters, they then rubbed it in my face by talking about how baby Z will have a "new brother or sister" soon (adopting again). I don't bother them, I have sent maybe 3 or 4 letters total in the past two and a half years, and all I ask is for them to accept me and my older daughter as a small part of their lives (even if thru updates and pictures). I have made it clear that I will not just slink away and act like she never existed.

    I think the issue lies with the women who continuously bother them for things. I have heard of a few cases here. Those of us who don't ask much get treated like we're trying to invade their lives ten fold.
    randi1978

    Answer by randi1978 at 1:03 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • Ann :43 OP poster here

    To answer your question, no. We email directly to each other. We started that while I was 7 1/2 months pregnant. We emailed back and forth till Sept 08.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:11 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • As an adoptive mom I would ask that you try again. Let her know in the email that you realize you went overboard for a while and would like to be in the picture on her terms. She may not reply but you will at least have tried.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 1:36 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • To answer your first question, there is nothing about birthmothers in general that bothers me, just as there is nothing about any entire group of people that bothers me. I think sometimes it can be a challenge to be in a relationship with someone whose lifestyle is radically different from your own.

    I do think it is possible to be real friends. I consider my DD's bmom one of my closest friends. She has been making some choices recently that make me sad and concerned, though. Even if you are friends, it is different from other friendships because you always have in the back of your mind that you don't want to offend that person because it is such an important relationship.

    I would try again, and maybe say that you'll try not to e-mail quite as often or that she shouldn't feel pressure to answer back until it's a good time for her. Please don't just give up.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 2:00 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • OP, I forgot to add that it made me very sad to read that your child's APs said they do not consider your other child to be a "real" sibling. I don't understand that it all. Maybe it sheds some light on their cutting off contact with you. Is your agency at all supportive of open adoption relationships? Maybe they would be willing to contact her and remind her of the importance of keeping contact for the sake of the child. I hope things will change. I am sorry.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 2:02 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • Iamgr8teful: Thank you for your words. Its nice to hear the other side of things.
    However your statement about my daughters parents not considering her brother to be her "real" sibling wasnt something I had said. That statment came from Randi, who I agree with you Gr8teful, that it does sadden me that-that has happen to her. Her daughters are full siblings as well as my daughter that I placed and the son I had in May. I MUST say that my daughters mother and father DO consider them to be brother and sister. My daughters parents are very respectful with that and that my oldest daughter is also her sister just as all her brothers and sister she lives with. I am truly happy that they do see the relationship between everyone involved. I just want our (the parents from both sides) to have that friendship. She is truly an amazing mother and when we are around each other (once a yr, and a week at birth) I learned so much from her
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:01 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • I need to know more, what do you mean she stopped the emails? Did she tell you she was not sending any more, was the last email negative. Have you emailed her since?

    You are not just cooresponding through the agency if you have each others email addresses. Use what you do have, the email address, to keep in touch.

    Do they know you have another child? It is very possible that you can build your relationship back up using that. All Moms like to talk about their kids, can you talk to her like you'd talk to another Mom, just discuss the kids, etc.

    When you completed your application with the adoption agency, how long did you say you wanted coorspondence. They may have stopped because they think the period that they were to do it is over?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:06 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • OP - sorry, when I re-read the posts I saw that I had gotten the two stories mixed up. I'm glad to hear that she acknowledges the sibling relationship. My DD has an older brother who had been living with her bmom, but is now permanently in an aunt's custody. We call him "brother" the same as the brother she gained through adoption. I don't like 1/2 brother because it implies that they are only related to the degree that they share genetic heritage, and I don't like the implication that has for an adoptive family. I also don't think her brother in her adoptive family is somehow more "real" than her bio brother. We are all real.

    I hope your child's amom will be receptive to starting up contact again. It seems so early for this to have happened. I wish you the best of luck.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 3:31 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • I do not think you are asking for too much. I am an adoptive mom myself and my son's birth mom and I have a wonderful friendship. We email to each other all the time. For us, we have a genuine respect for one another and for our feelings. My son is 4 years old and I am thankful that his birth mom still is a part of our lives. Ours was a private adoption so I am not sure how it works through an agency. I think anything is worth a try when it comes to following your heart and I hope everything works out for you.
    Kellyjude1

    Answer by Kellyjude1 at 7:49 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

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