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28 yr old son moved home 2 yrs ago during divorce. His 3 kids live with us half time. He drives w/o license or plates. He was laid off but gets work 20 hours/wk. He pays us nothing. He does nothing in the house. I do not want him here anymore but worried about kids. He is on depression meds, doesn't always take. Doesn't have a single friend. I am concerned for him yet I cannot take him anymore. I have begged. written letters , cried, humiliated him, nothing works. What should I do?

adult children living at home.

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skydoll1900

Asked by skydoll1900 at 12:53 PM on Oct. 6, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

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Answers (10)
  • Man, thats rough. I don't have any adult children, but I can testify that I used to treat my mother (and her house) in a similiar fashion. She kicked me out and let me be homeless. If she didn't kick me out, I probably would have never learned a thing about respect and responsibility. It pretty much forced me to get my life together. Kick him out, keep the kids. Otherwise you'll be going through this forever.
    burning_woman

    Answer by burning_woman at 12:59 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • Tell him he's had enough time to figure out what he wants to do with his life. He's an adult now and shouldn't cost you any more money. Set a date for him to move out- and tell him you will accept no excuses to leave by that date. If he is homeless or ends up in an inapprpriate environment, you can let him have visitation with the kids at your house. You can choose to let him spend the night when they are there or set a curfew for him to go home I hope whatever you do works out for the best.
    ranedare

    Answer by ranedare at 1:21 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • At 20 hrs a week and 3 kids, how much would you want from him? I admit he should help clean up after himself but if he is depressed good luck on that. Maybe he could get food stamps to help you out. Men are thinkers. They are visionaries. Ask him what his goals are for 3 yrs from now. Then ask him if he has mapped out how to attain those goals (school? job training program?) Goals help those who are depressed to stay focused and are less likely to harm themselves. I'd also ask him if he knows the consequences of getting caught driving without plates/license. He'll care if he gets locked up and can't get out. My grandson is in jail now and we can't get him out even with a good lawyer. Jails that are privatized are big business and they don't want to let folks out. Inmates and families have to pay for every day they are in there like some horrible B & B that won't let them go! Good luck on this. Maybe he needs a girlfriend?
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 2:14 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • I guess if the kids live half time with him then the ex will have to have them full time. Time to change the locks.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:52 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • I like that goals comment above. Is he paying child support? Ever thought of having his illegal car towed away? Don't cook for him. Don't clean up after him (dump it all in laundry basket and shove it in his room.) Warn the mother of his children that she might be getting them full time. Exercise is better than the meds anyway. does he get any?

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:14 AM on Oct. 7, 2009

  • wow! I could only imagine the pain you suffer from this.....I have 2 young children but my mom is dealing with a similar issue my brother is 28 years old and he has a young son that is always thrown my moms way (with the circumstances, in my opinion, it is much more healthy for my nephew) My brother has a drug problem and this just adds to the family problem-my mom pays for his child support, his car insurance, etc. she believes she is helping him but she is only hindering him in the end. Help and enabling are 2 different thing!.
    I think that it might be helpful not only for your son to seek professional help but it would not hurt if you had someone to talk to (totally outside the situation) I am sure friends and family may offer you some support but it might be easier to have an outsider (professional) to talk to. I wish you the best and will keep you, your son, and the children in my thoughts/prayers.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:37 AM on Oct. 7, 2009

  • give him time to be out. go with to the drs. tell his dr. hes not taking his meds and hes driving without his licences or plates. talk to the mother of his kids this cant be good for them. flatly refuse to let him take the kids with him when he drives. if he gets caught theyll impound the car haul him off to jail and your grandkids could be in foster care. i know its hard and you feel for the kids but your not helping their dad. your just enabling him. if the mother is responsilbe kind like she supports herself and the kids thats great. but if not kick him out and seek full cousty of your grandkids. good luck
    stressedoutgran

    Answer by stressedoutgran at 11:15 AM on Oct. 7, 2009

  • Get him help. have him talk to someone. a phychologist. But don.t sugest it, you just take him there. I think your son is hurting bad. and can't seem to deal with it. and that makes him care less about anything in life.
    incarnita

    Answer by incarnita at 8:20 AM on Oct. 9, 2009

  • I believe your son is hurting bad, but just staying with you - even his kids with you - is enabling him to continue his behavior. does he and his ex have shared custody? 20 hours a week is what he is working ALL OF HIS MONEY SHOULD GO TO YOU IF YOU ARE TAKING CARE OF HIM AND HIS KIDS... He needs to go out and find 20 MORE hours a week and that money SHOULD GO TO YOU IF YOU ARE TAKING CARE OF HIM AND HIS KIDS...

    he should take a cold shower, see a psychiatrist and be a DADDY to his children!!!

    good luck!!
    imdodi

    Answer by imdodi at 8:08 AM on Oct. 11, 2009

  • Time for tough love--which you should have been practicing all along. He goes, the kids go back to their mother's or stay--work that out. He is old enough to be working and he has CHOSEN the responsibility of children. It is a CHOICE! He doesn't get to sponge off the world the rest of his life. Time for the little boy to become a man.
    And as for the other post who suggested he get a girlfriend? Seriously? I mean...SERIOUSLY??? Yes, let's complicate his situation that he is NOT dealing with by adding another person who may or may not help.... maybe she could come live at OP's house too!!! I'm thinking that is the LAST thing he needs! Unless of course YOU are volunteering for the job and have a home and an income to support him and HIS kids and a psychiatry degree...is my sarcasm lost here? Right now this manboy is not taking care of himself or his children. Get that under control BEFORE you toss other issues at him!
    DaniandTom

    Answer by DaniandTom at 1:14 PM on Oct. 11, 2009

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