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Question about adopting and not letting the child know they are adopted.

For all the amoms, was there anyone who didn't tell the kids they were adopted? And just let the kids think they were theirs? Do people do that anymore?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:41 PM on Oct. 6, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (17)
  • Hopefully adoption agencies stress the importance of telling the child at an early age.

    I feel absolutely awful for the adopted children who find out in their teenage or adult years.
    When a child is told early on - they can accpet it and see it as totally normal.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:43 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • We were thinking of adopting - I'm an adopted child too - and this was when we were so sure we couldn't have any kids because of several doctors telling me it was not possible.
    My mother told me when I was a teen - around 14, and... I don't see why you would feel it is absolutely awful, anon. I guess it depends on how you were told.
    When my parents told me, it didn't change ONE thing for me. I was adopted when I was fresh out of the hospital - around 3 days old. What little my mother could tell me about my birthmom was that she was very young, 14-15 years old and from a very rich family that looked down on her having a child so young with no idea who the father was. And her last name.
    When I turned 18, my mom offered to help me find her, but I declined. I have no urge to find her. As far as I'm concerned, I have one mother - the one who stuck by me through thick and thin, through all the idiotic things I've done, and still-
    K_Sawyer

    Answer by K_Sawyer at 4:48 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • -loves me despite it all. I'll never try looking for her, not even for medical histories.
    To me, she just doesn't exist.

    If we were to adopt, it would depend on when I would tell the child if they were adopted, but I would tell them. I wouldn't be hurt if they told me they wanted to try finding their birth mother, it's their choice. But I don't ever want them to stumble upon the truth one day on their own, when they're much older. I just don't see the point of not telling them.
    K_Sawyer

    Answer by K_Sawyer at 4:50 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • We never considered keeping it a secret. I knew a kid who found out he had been adopted, and it was quite a shock because he was at least ten or twelve. I was interested to hear the POV of the adoptee who posted above. I guess everyone is different and deals with the information in their own way.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 7:54 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • An adopted child should know he/she is adopted. Hiding the fact of adoption is never a good thing. How do you think an adoptee would feel if they knew they were lied to by their adoptive parents for all along? That brings in the trust issue. Nothing stays hidden forever, sooner or later the truth will surface and it is always best to know the truth from the start by your parents. You can never hide the fact of adoption or of birthparents. It would only hurt the child.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:58 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • A few links for and about late discovery adoptees

    http://www.latediscovery.org/faq.html
    http://www.geocities.com/poetmom2/noframes.html
    http://forums.adoption.com/relating-adoptees/240705-looking-late-discovery-adoptees.html http://stories.adoption.com/story/late-discovery.html
    http://www.pacer-adoption.org/education_editorials/pn_late_discovery_adoptees.htm http://latediscovery.blogspot.com/
    http://www.bensoc.org.au/uploads/documents/why-wasnt-i-told-may2001.pdf
    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 9:03 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • Not letting a child know that they are adopted would never be happen here.

    I tell my daughter the truth about everything...yes she is only 5...but her and I have a bond.

    Not telling them them are adopted is a lie....lies distroy...
    No secrets here ever...
    Dannee

    Answer by Dannee at 9:24 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • HELLO MY 2 VERY SWEET YEAR OLD HAYLE IS ADOPTED WE WHERE THERE IN HOSPITAL WITH HER 3 HOURS AFTER SHE BORN WAS RACING TO GET THERE WE LIVED 8 HRS AWAY I ALWAYS SAID I WILL TELL HER JUST TRYING TO FUQUIRE OUT WHAT 2 SAY AND WHEN DO I START BECOUSE IT NOW EVEN MORE DIFFICULT BECOUSE MY COUSIN WHOM LIVES IN DEFF STATE ADOPTED HER SISTER WE SO WANTED 2 BUT DIDNT KNOW SHE WAS GOING TO GIVE HER UP BUT ANYHOW I DONT WANT ANYONE BUT ME 2 TELL HER SO DOES ANYONE KNOW WHEN 2 START TALKING ABOUT IT??????PLZ HELP
    kathyjojo

    Answer by kathyjojo at 9:57 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • If you adopt a child as an infant, you don't have to make telling them such a big deal. You just naturally talk about it as part of your family's "stories." Like when you talk about how you felt when you first saw her and how blessed you felt when you knew she would be yours, etc. Now I adopted children who were older than 3 so it would've been very difficult not to talk about it. But not telling them will be giving them the impression that's it's something to be ashamed of when they do find out - and eventually, they definitely will find out from someone.
    ceallaigh

    Answer by ceallaigh at 10:13 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

  • Quoting Dannee "Not telling them them are adopted is a lie....lies distroy...
    No secrets here ever...


     clappingway to go

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 10:25 PM on Oct. 6, 2009

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