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OMG OMG OMG Is a 19 year old ready for this????

Okay, he just left so NOW I can freak out! My son 19 year old son (just turned 19 in July) has been seeing a 22 year old woman for the last two weeks. Tonight he walked in and told me that they are moving in together! I didn't try to talk him out of it (I WANTED TO BUT I RESISTED) - anyhow, then he drops another bomb on me; she's been married and was pregnant.

What? OM my head is spinning a little bit here. So, I clear up that she does not have a child but had a miscarriage AND that she WANTS to have another baby!

He's over 18 (barely), not really very mature, JUST got his financial life together well enough to afford his own vehicle. Works at a convenience store and doesn't have enough money left over to get his own place.

MOMMAS help calm me down - I have a MILLION things going through my head and a million questions. I don't think he's ready, but I will not allow myself to try to stop this - but I want to. HELP

 
PaceMyself

Asked by PaceMyself at 11:18 PM on Oct. 7, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 5 (75 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (19)
  • I hope that your son figures out pretty quick what he is getting into - I bet he will. If they are "moving in together" after just two weeks, it is unlikely that they know eachother very well. Living together is hard, and most couples find that out pretty quick. I doubt it will take him long to get annoyed with her, and her with him (considering the fact that he IS 19, my money's on her getting annoyed with him - he still probably likes to play video games and leave his dirty laundry around). I know you are freaking out and that is understandable, but my advice is to let nature take its course and hope that they come to their senses before they are stuck with eachother due to a baby. But if they don't, who knows? It just might work out... But be patient. Make sure he knows he always has you to lean on, and if he starts getting uncomfortable he won't feel like he needs to stay there to "prove you wrong" or something.
    Iskkra

    Answer by Iskkra at 11:24 PM on Oct. 7, 2009

  • He is an adult and should be able to make his own decisions and in-turn mistakes, thats how we learn. Have faith in the way you raised him and trust him!
    truthteller0722

    Answer by truthteller0722 at 11:23 PM on Oct. 7, 2009

  • be strong, mom! you can't control his life, and his mistakes are his to make. you can try to point out IMPERSONAL facts about the situation, such as the financial stats of having a child vs his income and the status of life he plans on having... that if he gets this woman pregnant, and she is using him, he may not have a great relationship, if any, with his child. and if you can, work it in that she has to be committed to him first for them to cnsider having a baby... marriage is a good start... for at least a year... before that you can get an anulment considerably cheaper... a divorce costs more and is more difficult to get therefore not worth it to just have the baby and leave, etc etc. but if you make it seem you are questioning his independence, he will want nothing to do with you. im a 20 year old mom with an 18year old bro... i know the importance of competency to people this age!!! :)
    missbreezy214

    Answer by missbreezy214 at 11:26 PM on Oct. 7, 2009

  • lemme clear up her being married, and having had mc a child. unless you know what the situation was, i wouldn't assume that it was her fault. i met my ex husband when i was 17- and it was a snowball effect. i am lucky to have survived it. the fact that she is 22, and divorced means simply that she had a bad experience, and bad judgment. perhaps it also means that she is a little more prepared for the reality of living together, and maybe has a little higher BS tolerance.
    as for them moving in together, no, its not a good idea, but it is also trial and error- he may have to learn the hard way. or, she may truly see something amazing in your son, and want to hang on to him for all he is worth, because she knows what a rare gem he is.
    try to see the glass as half full. hard as that may be. i can only imagine, and i have another 10 years until i am in your shoes- but i'm not far removed from his reality either. i see both sides.
    ObbyDobbie

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 11:29 PM on Oct. 7, 2009

  • No, no - girls don't get me wrong - I said I wanted to - but I didn't. I did ask him if he realizes the level of committment and responsibility that he's about to walk into. He said he did - so I told him the only thing a supportive mother COULD tell him - if she is who he chooses and he's happy with his decision then I'm happy for them.

    I haven't even met this girl. She asked to meet me a couple of night ago - but I declined. I figure it should be up to him to decide when he's ready for her to meet his mom. But it wasn't his idea. Then today, she went and bought him a ring.

    And guess which hand he's wearing it on? I wanted to ask if she proposed to him or something - but I didn't. I refuse to be "that kind" of mom (MIL) or what ever I'm about to become to this girl. I'm keeping an open mind and a closed mouth, but I am skeptical and cautious.
    PaceMyself

    Answer by PaceMyself at 11:30 PM on Oct. 7, 2009

  • I know it's not much comfort, but chances are, he's lazy! He'll be too lazy to deal with this beyond a few weeks.
    ecodani

    Answer by ecodani at 11:31 PM on Oct. 7, 2009

  • I didn't mean to insinuate that he being divorced was her fault in any way - I was just pointing out (or thought I was pointing out) the difference in the level of maturity in these two people. He lives with me, I know how immature he is. I don't know anything about her, other than what he's told me. Hell, he just showed me a pic of her 3 days ago -

    She's been married and when I asked him what his intentions are he said "Going steady"
    PaceMyself

    Answer by PaceMyself at 11:34 PM on Oct. 7, 2009

  • Although I don't condone what he is doing, I really don't see a big deal in the age difference. She's barely older than he is anyway. It's not like she's a 45 year old divorcee or anything.

    They are adults. Not much you can do.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:36 PM on Oct. 7, 2009

  • My only concern here would be that they have only been together for 2 weeks. I mean, things happen and people make mistakes. She probably shouldn't have been married the first time, but at least she was honest about it. And it may be more of a they are moving in together for financial reasons, not actual romantic reasons. Maybe he is trying to grow up and just needs some support? I don't know, but just be there for him if this thing falls through and support him as best as you can.
    I was 18 when I moved in with my husband, and he had a child that was nearly 2 when I moved in with him. I am now 24, my almost 8 year old stepson calls me Mommy, and we have a 20 month old daughter together.
    Mom1Stepmom1

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 11:38 PM on Oct. 7, 2009

  • Well, sometimes some people need an extra push in order to be more mature.
    Some times, it's the fact that they KNOW that others are relying on them, that straightens them out. People rise to their expectations. (as long as they are not set TOO high).

    GL to the both of you.
    outstandingLove

    Answer by outstandingLove at 11:47 PM on Oct. 7, 2009