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Should money be a deciding factor?

As an adoptive parent, do you feel you are more worthy to parent a child than the child's own biological parent? (sans abuse and/or neglect)

You pay fees for a service that matches you up with a child and you bring that child home to start a family or join an existing family. However...

"... what I call the adoption myth is the notion that the adopted life is superior to the original life, whether from an economic, health, educational, cultural, spiritual, religious, or other perspective. Because of this assumption on the part of caregivers (who would not involve themselves in the process of adoption if they did not believe in this crucial tenet) at every stage in the adoption, the adoptee is often bound into a kind of mutual pretense..."

Is it possible to adopt without feeling superior? If so, what enables an adoptive parent to feel that way?


Asked by Mei-Ling at 12:31 PM on Oct. 8, 2009 in Adoption

Level 5 (66 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (91)
  • "I also believe society, as a whole, feeds a lot into such feelings and/or views of amoms being somehow "superior" to bmoms"

    I see your point completely, especially about the more money you can pay to adopt, the more value is perceived.

    I also think unfortunately that there is extra value applied depending on the race of your child. If you are a white couple adopting domestically a child of another race, there are some that will assume it had to be foster care. (Along with a foster care assumption is that the woman lost the child due to decisions she made). So yea, the instinct is that you are the good guy.I do feel like over stress how wonderful my daughter's bmom is to offset this..

    International adoption is another story all together.


    Answer by Anonymous at 6:37 PM on Oct. 9, 2009

  • I would guess that the adoptive parents feel thankful rather than superior. I do believe they and the birth parents or government agency feel they would be the better parent otherwise the child would not be in an adoptive situation. The quote up there makes it sound like the rich or ripping babies from the poor and that just is not the case. I know many adoptive families that are far from rich-they are loving and accepting and willing to take on a child that needs a family.

    Answer by wildboyz1994 at 12:35 PM on Oct. 8, 2009

  • I do not really know much about adoption. But doesn't it cost money to adopt? Don't you need to qualify to adopt? Not everybody can adopt a child?  If so, I would feel I am better then the Bio parent.


    Answer by louise2 at 12:38 PM on Oct. 8, 2009

  • wildboyz1994: What about in the cases where the family is legally known? The child already has a family. OK, in China orphans are legally abandoned. The anonymity law is not applicable to all 2nd/3rd-world countries. I mean, there are quite a few Korean adoptees who have managed to dissect their adoption files and sort through the mis-translations to find out who their families may be. It's not always impossible.

    Answer by Mei-Ling at 12:42 PM on Oct. 8, 2009

  • What a simplistic question, no one is more worthy of anything. Are you talking about int'al adoption because you dont simple complete a form and get a child in domestic adoption.

    Dom.Adoption is an extremely humbling experience. You 1st spend your life savings, open up all of your financial records, provide physicals, child abuse clearances, FBI & criminal checks, have your home inspected all hoping that you are "worthy" enough to pass a complete stranger's (the bmom) approval enough to be considered and chosen. You have NO SAY in who chooses you, it doesnt matter how great of a parent you know you will be. It can take years which is more $$, you may never be deemed "worthy" by anyone simply because you arent cute enough or weigh too much.
    If chosen, you then have to worry that she will change her mind and you will lose it all. All because you want one of the most basic feelings that anyone can have, to be a Mom.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:46 PM on Oct. 8, 2009

  • "What a simplistic question, no one is more worthy of anything."

    Obviously they are more worthy [judging] by your second paragraph. Does that make parenting a right in itself?

    (*is waiting for the ever-so-infamous argument of "Well, should a bio mom have the default right to parent her own bio child?" * :P)

    Answer by Mei-Ling at 12:51 PM on Oct. 8, 2009

  • I now have many of the same things that the aparents, home, money (no, not rich but we pay our bills & have extra for vacations & such), & at one point in time, when they adopted my child, they had "more" then I did. This is no longer true as far as I see it. Perhaps their house is bigger then mine or their cars newer. So are they still considered "better" parents then me? Or are we now "equal"? Or will we never be equal because I am a birthmother? I've heard some amoms say they cherish & love their adopted child MORE because they worked & waited to get them (well & paid money too even if that part isnt mentioned; they did pay some money for adoption) So in turn do they feel they deserve the child more? That's how it sounds to me.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:53 PM on Oct. 8, 2009

  • What about in the cases where the family is legally known?
    I think my example is of a family legally known... if you are willingly giving your child up, you feel there is a better family out there for them. If you are wanting to adopt, you feel you would make a good parent. Feeling like you would be a better parent than someone that is in a bad situation does not in itself mean you feel superior to that person. I view feeling superior as feeling that overall you are a better person no matter what. In this case I think the adoptive family feels like they are better suited to raise the child at that time. I would not feel superior to a woman or family going through a hard time and I don't feel most adoptive parents feel superior to the birth family, they probably feel thankful. For families adopting because they are unable to conceive, I think the women feel inferior (or men if the problem is on their side) CONT


    Answer by wildboyz1994 at 12:53 PM on Oct. 8, 2009

  • because they were unable to have their own children. I am not sure what point you are driving at here... am I missing the point?

    Answer by wildboyz1994 at 12:54 PM on Oct. 8, 2009

  • I think some feel they are superior due to economic circumstances and cultural bias. You only have to read some of the blogs and articles about adoption to see where many feel they have "saved" a child from a terrible life.

    But I tend to think most adoptive parents are sold on the notion of using adoption as a way to avoid a childless life. Western society puts heavy pressure on everyone to have children and be perfect parents. Those who are unable to have children try to find a way to fit into this one-size fits-all expectation. Adoption becomes the answer to the perceived problem of life without children. Adoption agencies, relatives, clergy, friends also feed into this idea.   Add to this pressure the notion that there are unlimited babies to be saved and an industry is born.


    Answer by maybe09 at 12:55 PM on Oct. 8, 2009