Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

How involved is your MIL?

How often does your DH/SO talk to their mom? Do you talk to your MIL often?
My SO's mom is always calling at least 5-6 times a day. She comes over unannounced. She is always trying to start useless childish arguments. What can I do without upsetting my SO or his mom? I'd really like for them to cut the cord without making anyone mad at me. Any advice would help.

Answer Question
 
BlainesMommy09

Asked by BlainesMommy09 at 1:48 PM on Oct. 8, 2009 in Relationships

Level 20 (9,173 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • Talk to your man. Let him know that you need boundaries established so that his mother is not always calling or coming by. Tell him that you feel like you need more distance from her so the two of you can make your own choices without her interference. It's his mom and he needs to be the one to cut the cord.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:13 PM on Oct. 8, 2009

  • Be a little cold with her when she visits. Less talkative. When she does comes tell this is not a good time for a visit and to please call in the future.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:44 PM on Oct. 8, 2009

  • Move to the other side of the Atlantic Ocean.  That's what I did.

    beeky

    Answer by beeky at 2:45 PM on Oct. 8, 2009

  • If you go into the Military and get transferred every two years-maybe to Europe-you can have all the seperation and privacy you want.LOL. My MIL NEVER called long distance because she was too cheap. LOL. And she never called anyway. She died 10 years ago. Don't be so hard on your relatives because you might feel sorry after they are gone.
    Lindalu2

    Answer by Lindalu2 at 2:56 PM on Oct. 8, 2009

  • My MIL looked after my kids quite a bit when they were young but she was agoraphobic so didn't come over to us and I didnt feel too much interference. She died 9 years ago. I can't quite understand families who absolutely have to live in each others pockets but thats just me!
    jackdaw

    Answer by jackdaw at 4:31 PM on Oct. 8, 2009

  • He talks to her every day several times. It's typically them calling him. I don't talk to her unless I can't avoid it. She seems to feel the same unless she is trying to manipulate some situation to go her way. They show up without calling, they still try to tell us, and this is no joke, what we are going to do with our kids even though we've repeatedly said we're the parents and that is it, they even throw tantrums when we say we can't afford to drive to their house for entire weekends. I've heard people say we'll miss them when they are gone but why use the fact that everyone eventually dies to dismiss bad behavior? And why would any mother want to try to control her grown son and his family? It's one of the creepier things I've seen since I got married.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:57 PM on Oct. 8, 2009

  • I'm in the same boat, except my MIL is disabled and milks that for all its worth. Yes, that sounds cold, but it is the stark truth. She calls DH at all hours to run to the store for her (she refuses to tell him to get everything she'll need for a few days - its one thing today, one thing tomorrow), she throws fits that when she wants to see us we are busy but when we want to visit, she isn't willing to clean her house so its baby-proof (she leaves cig butts on the floor, chemicals all over the house, etc.). She gets mad that I offer to help her clean, but then gets upset when we won't visit because her house is dirty. Ugh. At least I'm not in your shoes, where she stops by un-announced. I'd kill myself.
    My only advice is to make it clear that if she wants to come over, she is to CALL FIRST. Let her drive all the way over if she has to, and politely decline she comes in because you were about to (insert excuse here)...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:23 PM on Oct. 8, 2009

  • (Con't) If the calls are just calls and he doesn't seem to mind them, then maybe I'd leave it alone (for now). But if they go on for hours or he is dropping important things to be on the phone, then mention it. I would be wary of trying to get in the middle of it, because the calls are his issue - its likely that if they are getting on his nerves he'll just stop answering. But if he likes her calling, it would be a mistake to try to pressure him to limit them, because he might resent you for it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:28 PM on Oct. 8, 2009

  • **thankfully** my MIL is not involved AT ALL! DH refuses to have anything to do with her because she is abusing drugs. So, I am MIL-drama-free!
    trentntats

    Answer by trentntats at 5:29 PM on Oct. 8, 2009

  • My mil is a complete control freak. She has two sons and I married the oldest. It has taken over 10 years for her to be ok with me, but she is still a bit competitive and jeolous. The only thing that made our relationship bearable was my husband standing up to her and saying very firmly if she cant be nice to her daughter in law, then she is not welcome as part of our family. He made it very clear that me and our son was his piority, not her. When we are alone together she will still drop an inappropriate comment to me to try and upset me. That is how childish she is, and she is to much of a coward to say anything in front of my husband. I do stand up to her which stops her in her tracks, like all bullies if stood up to she will shrink back. I dont like her, Ive tried to be friends with her, but can only manage a polite tolerance towards her. Make boundaries and stand your ground! Otherwise she will make life hell.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:21 PM on Oct. 8, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.