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Need a ear for marriage problems

I'm wondering if marriage counseling can save a marriage where the husband has no respect for his wife. We've been married 20+ years. I quit my job 10 years ago to do my H's bookwork. I often wonder if he wasn't jealous of my salary but I was willing to quit and stay home with the kids at that point. In a nut shell, my husband is not nice to me like he should be...like he was the first 10 years of our marriage. We have fights, always due to something stupid he says, he's always sorry, he'll change, blah blah blah. Same thing, different day, or week, or month.

I don't understand where it comes from if he's jealous of me somehow or why he treats me with no respect and insults me from time to time. And then it's always, well, he didn't mean it he's stupid. Yeah, that's a given. Of course, neither his family or mine know what goes on and I'm not comfortable talking about it with anyone who knows us.

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TTK

Asked by TTK at 8:09 PM on Oct. 10, 2009 in Relationships

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • get out dear. no councelling is going to change that man, been there done that.
    Kayge

    Answer by Kayge at 8:11 PM on Oct. 10, 2009

  • Have you ALREADY tried counseling? Is he WILLING to go (or go back)?
    momrocks1000

    Answer by momrocks1000 at 8:11 PM on Oct. 10, 2009

  • It's not the counselor that saves the marriage, it's the couple. The counselor is just a person to help you see the other person's perspective without the emotion that sometimes blocks understanding. So can the marriage be saved without respect? Possible but not probable. DH will have to put forth respectful effort if it's going to work. So there is hope if he is willing to try
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 8:12 PM on Oct. 10, 2009

  • You will never know if you don't try. Maybe he is having an issue with himself and he is taking it out on you. GL
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:12 PM on Oct. 10, 2009

  • Thats what I was thinking (what anon said at 5:12)
    momrocks1000

    Answer by momrocks1000 at 8:15 PM on Oct. 10, 2009

  • I feel the same on not discussing marital problems, I believe counseling will work and so does prayer. try it if it does not work then at least you tried. Good Luck and God bless you and your Marriage.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:15 PM on Oct. 10, 2009

  • You've been together for over 20 years. Could he be having a "mid-life crisis?" is he happy in his career? Has he hit a "milestone" birthday? Have you suffered any significant losses recently--savings, family members, etc.? Men tend to bottle up their feelings, but also misplace their anger and frustration on to the people that are nearest and dearest to them.

    I would flat out tell my husband I will not tolerate being used as a sounding board, unless he makes it clear that the issue is not with me and he's just venting. Communication at this stage is sorely needed and is critical to saving your marriage.
    LoriKeet

    Answer by LoriKeet at 8:19 PM on Oct. 10, 2009

  • dont take that shit! lay it out and tell him how its going to be. if he loves you, he will do what you want (within reason) but maybe hes going through some stuff right now thats making him ill or angry toward you. either way, id suggest writing a letter so an argument doesnt come up and sincerely let him know you love him and let him know how you feel. but dont just "get out" like some people above have said. thats taking the easy way. if he loves you and you love him then work it out
    micahsmommy512

    Answer by micahsmommy512 at 10:33 PM on Oct. 10, 2009

  • His behavior to me is not new. I don't take it, I tell him he's an a$$hole and we argue about it and then he's sorry for what he said, it's all his fault, he won't do it again...on and on and on. This last time he embarrassed me in front of my family, or no reason other than he's an idiot. My family was uncomfortable, I was embarrassed but I said nothing back because he would have only said more stupid crap and my family was here. The next morning he's sorry, he was an idiot again and he shouldn't have said what he did. I told him, THAT was the last straw and he needed professional help. Those are the only words I've said to him. He's been out of town for the weekend and I haven't talked to him. Right now I can't stand him and he knows it. We've been through this same scenario many times. I'm just wondering if he can change back to the person he used to be.
    TTK

    Answer by TTK at 11:37 AM on Oct. 11, 2009

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