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am i going insane or is this normal?

A few months ago I had a falling out with my mom over some stupid mess dealing with my stepfather- since then she hasn't spoken to me even though I have a new baby, well now he's 3 months old, but she hasn't seen him since he was just a week old. Well anyways I have been thinking alot about the reason we fell out and the things that happened to me growing up and the more I think of it the more I hate her and my stepfather- everytime I see his screen name signed online I want to im him and curse him out and every night I want to call her and tell her what a crappy mother she was and what a crappy grandmother she is. It brings me to tears if I think to hard about it, But then I think well she is my mom and that softens me up, but then I think yeah shes a mom who let a man come between our mother daughter relationship since I was young- everytime he said something it was law- no matter what she thought or said- cont...

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Asked by Anonymous at 8:26 PM on Oct. 10, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (10)
  • I remember so many things that he said or did while I was growing up that she just went along with that even now as an adult I find ridiculous. I dealt with it for a while but now that my kids are being hurt by their bs I am to the point of saying screw it and forgetting that I have a mother. Am I wrong? or should I continue sheilding my kids from this mental abuse and anxiety that I went through growing up?

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:29 PM on Oct. 10, 2009

  • That is a tough question. I have fought with several of those issues myself. If you can find it in your heart to let it go, you will be a much happier person for it. It is tough and every time my father and I have a falling out all of the old issues seem to surface but when a few days later he acts like nothing happens I let it go again. I let my family visit with my DS and often or as infrequently as they wish and provided DS never goes through any of my same experiences (which is very unlikely) then I just deal with it. I haven't been able to bring myself to by them any greeting cards touting what great grandparents they are but they are doing the best they are capable of I suppose....

    Answer by WindyTheWidow at 8:36 PM on Oct. 10, 2009

  • Yep. Keep your kids away from that. Cut her out.

    Answer by SAMNMAYASMOM at 8:37 PM on Oct. 10, 2009

  • First of all, he is a man. Men are different. The situation for your mom back then could have been the best she knew. My mom let more than one man come between mine and her relationship but I did not shut her out. I am sure there is alot to the story. I stick to the famous " the past is the past" If you live in the past you will never move forward.
    Your mom is missing out. I am sorry for you and your child(ren).
    It is hard not having a great mom. My mom was not the best "mom" but she did the best for us kids. She may have unresolved issues and she cannot get over things and she is letting them run her life. I hope things can get worked out for the both of you. You may have to be the big girl here and say hey, want to come over for lunch and see the baby? Or meet me at the park or meet and go shopping? I had to be the adult at one time and that one moment mended alot. My mom is gone now. Life is short!

    Answer by JLynn0871 at 8:54 PM on Oct. 10, 2009

  • OP here- thats the thing Jlynn- she never wants to come over here even when we were talking- she swears that since shes the grandma that we have to come visit her- when I had my 4th son she didnt even see him till he was 6 weeks because of her stubborness and my first son, even though I was single she didnt come with me to the hospital even though I wanted her to be there, and my baby ended up dying because of complications, and the time I needed her the most she wasnt there- she ended up visiting me later on but I needed her there with me while I was going through very scary things- she is never there for me when I need her and never was and Im sick of feeling like I have to be the grown up one- idk, i have know idea what to do

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:08 PM on Oct. 10, 2009

  • Anon, sounds like you are just better off without your mother. You don't need emotional drama over someone who isn't going to make an effort to be in your life. Same things with my DH's family. They don't want to take the time now for DD then I'm not going to let them do it at a later date.

    Answer by MoonLover06 at 9:23 PM on Oct. 10, 2009

  • Wow, this is a pretty serious question. I have a grown dd who gets upset with me and it's usually something to do with her stupid live in bf of 10 yrs. So she allows him and his "law" to come between us bc I refuse to take his crap. My dd has to work out her issues and so does your mom. They are torn between their loyalty to these demented "all about me" men and their love for us. Know that your mom will always love you. She's trying to find her way with him. Along the way you got hurt. Nothing can undo that. This is why I tell women not to stay with an abusive man for the kids. I'm so sorry you were hurt growing up but you got out and on with your life as an adult. That's great. My advice? Just accept her as she is. You know how she feels about him so either accept that as well and work around it or cut her loose and live without her. If you need an online "mom" let me know. I'm available until my dd comes to her senses!

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:41 PM on Oct. 10, 2009

  • Do you honestly want your kids going through the same stuff you did? I wouldn't. My mother is the exact same way and once I gave birth I moved outta the state!

    Answer by Aplatel87 at 10:34 PM on Oct. 10, 2009

  • hello! let me just say that I have two girls and i'm re-married so their step-dad has his laws of the house that we do go by. They are not set up to hurt my daughters or divide me from them even though they think they are. We as parents make decisions very day that ours kids are going to hate or think is crazy,but they are kids and one day they will understand just as we all do. If your mom and you are having trouble then try to talk it out if she still doesn't visit then just let her be she makes her own mistakes that doesn't have anything to do with your stepdad. Just have a little faith that she will come to her senses and be the mom you need because it sounds like you need and miss her so don't cut her out of your life just yet there maybe hope for both of you to sew some deep cuts that you have given to each other.

    Answer by donna1976 at 10:37 PM on Oct. 10, 2009

  • OP - My mom was the same. She was never at the hospital for any of my births and stayed away. She lived 1.5 hours away and rarely ever came to my house. As a matter of fact, I can tell you in 16 years that she came to my house 9 times. I bet she did nto stay a total of those 9 times 3 hours. We always had to go visit her. She would drive past my exit to go to the casinos and I live 3 minutes off the exit. It hurts and I know you pain and wondering mind. I pretty much kept going for my kids. I tried everything possible and it just did not click. I wanted that " mom " that was there all the time and baked with me and played with my kids but it did not happen. Do what fits your household and your lifestyle. Just kinda give those thoughts a rest about her not being involved. She is missing out though and she will realize it, eventually. It is a tough place to be in your situation, I know.

    Answer by JLynn0871 at 9:56 AM on Oct. 11, 2009

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