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My husband has absolutely no sex drive

I'm a SAHM with a 3 year old and 1 1/2 year old. My husband has always worked normal to less than average business hours and makes good money. I say this in consideration of stress factors, but he complains he's just too tired. He's always been unlikely to initiate sex, but now it's at a complete standstill. And he's never been passionate. I think he has something he needs to work out but how do I deal with it in the meantime? There is no sign of an affair. He says it's normal for guys after 40 to not want to do it, but this isn't normal. I'm trying not to stress him about it but did suggest for the first time getting some kind of help.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:38 AM on Oct. 11, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • It is not completely normal for a man past 40 to have no sex drive. Talk to your doctor about it. It is true that some men have a lower sex drive than do others, but I suspect your husband has something physical going on.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 6:52 AM on Oct. 11, 2009

  • There are many men out there who don't have much of a sex drive. Remember that men reach their sexual peak at 19 while we peak at 40. Has he had a physical to rule out diabetes, high blood pressure or any other medical condition that would affect his libido? His dr should know what's up. Tell him to ask his dr about a supplement called Ashwaghanda. I have no clue whether it works or not since I'm not a man but I heard about it a while back and then Dr Oz recommended it on tv the other day.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:11 AM on Oct. 11, 2009

  • My DH is like this, and he isn't even 25 yet... Its infuriating, especially since I am one of those women with an overactive sex drive! We've almost always differed in our needs. Except for that initial period of the first six months or so of dating when everything was new, my DH has always been happy with sex once every week or two (if that!), while I am raring to go pretty much every night. It makes for some tension between us, that's for sure. But we've worked on it some - I've explained (over and over) to him that I NEED him to try to be more willing, and I've conceded that it isn't necessary every night, and have tried to cut back on my resentment about it because hey, he really can't help it. It is a process. But as for the PPs, I wouldn't immediately assume it is a health issue, especially if he is over 40, and especially if this isn't a relatively "new" development. He just may have a lower drive than most.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:54 AM on Oct. 11, 2009

  • My dh is like this too, and has been for a long time. We can go months without it.... When we do have sex it is great, but I just think that he has a low drive. When we were dating it was more frequent, but 20 years and 2 kids changes things. We have talked to our counselor about it, he doesn't see a real issue....
    emnasmom

    Answer by emnasmom at 11:06 AM on Oct. 11, 2009

  • No, that's not normal. My dh is 40 and we have sex usually once a day and he would have sex with me multiple times/day if we could find the time! I would recommend he talk to his dr and realize that even if he's not in the mood, he could help you satisfy your needs.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 11:23 AM on Oct. 11, 2009

  • No, it's not normal. He needs to be checked out with is doctor. He needs a complete physical. Is he depressed? That can affect sex drive, as can medication.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 12:28 PM on Oct. 11, 2009

  • Actually, it is normal for some men. Society says all men are supposed to have high sex drives, but the truth is men vary just like women do. Some married moms love sex and some see it as a chore. Some men who work to support the family feel the stress and strain of the responsibility on their shoulders and it does affect their sex drive.

    I'm in the same boat. I"m a SAHM to a 3 year old, 17 month old, and in my 3rd trimester with my 3rd pregnancy. My husband is 41 and his sex drive was zapped after I got pregnant the first time. He isn't having an affair (like he would want to have 2 women to try and please right now). He's just over worked and stressed out. We have to budget to live off of his salary and with this economy he worries every day about being laid off.

    Some are going to say that a man with little sex drive is not normal, but that's just because so few people are willing to talk about it when it happens.
    ThrivingMom

    Answer by ThrivingMom at 2:21 PM on Oct. 11, 2009

  • ThrivingMom - I completely agree with you. My husband goes in spurts...in June we had sex every day for 32 days straight, but from the beginning of July til now we've had sex maybe 10 times. I've tried nagging him about it - but then he says it "is a chore" to him. I am still dealing with it, but have decided to back off and let him initiate it. I'm going to start trying the massages and stuff like that...one of my friends even suggested standing in front of him and taking your clothes off lol.
    SuzyQ515

    Answer by SuzyQ515 at 2:49 PM on Oct. 11, 2009

  • Baloney, it's not normal. ThrivingMom hit it on the head, men vary just as women do. I haven't had sex for 2 months now, I was sick, he was sick, the kids were sick and life took over. It happens....
    emnasmom

    Answer by emnasmom at 10:31 PM on Oct. 11, 2009

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