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What do I do now? I tried calling.

A friend of mine severed our relationship because she said my 4-year-old's behavior (tantrums, problems with defiance and control) would rub off on her two children. I thought we were, like, best friends. I was stunned. I tried to explain to her how i felt but she just said i misunderstood her, yet hasn't called for a play date or even a cup of coffee. I have a very strong willed daughter and we are making slow progress with her behavior...she has the occasional outburst but overall is fine. I called and tried to set up a play date, i even went to her daughter's soccer games, but recieved a frosty reception. What can i do now? I miss her friendship.

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char944

Asked by char944 at 8:04 AM on Oct. 11, 2009 in Preschoolers (3-4)

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Answers (8)
  • Why would you want to be friends with a person who does not like your child? That alone would make me not like her back.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 8:11 AM on Oct. 11, 2009

  • I think right now you both have to do what's best for your children. She doesn't want her child around one that she perceives as out of control (tantrums, etc), especially if they are young enough to not understand why Sally can throw a fit and her Mommy will give in, so why can't they do the same thing with the same result.

    NOT saying that's what you do - just that it could be how she sees it.

    On the other hand - you know that your child has behavior issues, and that you are working on it. You also have to protect your child, and you don't want to be taking her around an adult that will, at this point, not be able to give her the benefit of the doubt, that, say, on a scale of 1-10, your child is acting out at a 3 or a 4, she isn't going to respond like it's at a 7 or 8.

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:07 AM on Oct. 11, 2009

  • cont

    What I would suggest is that maybe you say to her that you understand that right now, both of you have obligations and responsibilities to your kids that aren't very compatible right now, but that you love her and value her friendship, and you would really like it if you all could still get together without any kids around.

    Don't attack her feelings on the matter, and don't listen to her bad mouth your child. Just talk about whatever else other than your kids that you all have in common. Then, give it a few months and if your child's behavior (not meant rude but you did describe it as slow going), you can say that ___ is doing a lot better now, she understands that her behavior was unacceptable and doesn't do that anymore. How about if we try meeting somewhere (suggest someplace neutral like a park or McD's playland) for a play date.

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:13 AM on Oct. 11, 2009

  • cont

    Btw - I just wanted to add that when my ds was little, he also acted out - a LOT - due to a lot of various reasons. I love him very much, and I loved him then, too of course, and I also understood why he acted the way he did - some of them more "understandable" than others. But, at the same time, I also had to help him understand - in a loving way - that honestly, the rest of the world is NOT going to want to put up with or be around temper tantrums, acting out, etc.
    He had to learn socially acceptable behavior (even at 4, and age appropriate of course).

    He did that, and when he got older, he was friends - for a short time - with a boy who, frankly, never learned that lesson. The boy had very few friends, because, frankly, he was a brat that nobody could stand to be around, which made life miserable for him and everyone else. I felt bad for him, but honestly, I didn't want to be around his fits, either.

    gl!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:17 AM on Oct. 11, 2009

  • I agree with sailor. You both have to do what's best for your kids. She sees your kid as out of control and doesn't want her kid around that - understandable and her right. You are working with your child to get her behavior better and you don't want her around someone who isn't understanding and sympathetic - also understandable and also your right. You don't agree with your friend that your child is out of control, and that's also your right. I can't sit here and say that you or your friend is right on your daughter's behavior, b/c I haven't seen your daughter. Maybe she's out of control, maybe she's not. Either way, you're working to get her behavior in line with what most people expect and tolerate, so just keep doing that. Either your friend will change her mind or she won't, and either way, you can just find some new friends for your daughter to play with, ones who won't kow the history and so won't judge her.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 9:53 AM on Oct. 11, 2009

  • *know the history* sorry, not fully awake yet, I guess.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 9:54 AM on Oct. 11, 2009

  • You just need to let the friendship go. If she really was your friend, she wouldn't walk away because of your kids. She is using that as an excuse to end a friendship she doesn't want to be in. I know it hurts, but find friends that want to spend time with you and your kids.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 11:27 AM on Oct. 11, 2009

  • If its your friend's friendship you miss, set up a time in the evening when someone can watch your child and get a girls night out. I have friends who's children act inappropriately in my opinion so we have adult activity time together. Scrapbooking nights, movies, card playing night, etc... Then you can talk to her, ask her what your kids are doing and maybe you can work something out. If not, then enjoy the adult interaction.
    Lifes-A-Dance

    Answer by Lifes-A-Dance at 8:35 PM on Oct. 11, 2009

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